When the insomniacs & thinkers

[Alexearth]

When the insomniacs & thinkers
slump roughly
into the doldrums
of tomorrow,
I flee to the orchid sky,
journey the celestial moments
of higher fields.

*

Also, I encounter the
grand, imposing
Pillars of Creation-
mystical, as if
the tighten tone of
their heavy breathing
was to reveal
the inexplicable,
the tenebrous riddles
of Life, the World,
the Afterhours,
the still blankness of the mind abroad,
before,
during,
and after birth & death;
that the whole paradigm of Existence was only
the mirage of
an unintelligible detail
we keep failing to grasp.

[poe]

This piece has a good internal flow. Good use of fresh words. I love.."..orchid sky...journey the celestial moments of higher fields." Is "tighten" a play on Titan? If so its cute I don't know because it seems you've used a verb as an adjective. A wonderful theme, here. Speaking of higher realms. Tell you the truth. I really like this.
Thanks for a beautiful read. I look forward to your next post.
p

[Alexearth]

This piece has a good internal flow. Good use of fresh words. I love.."..orchid sky...journey the celestial moments of higher fields." Is "tighten" a play on Titan? If so its cute I don't know because it seems you've used a verb as an adjective. A wonderful theme, here. Speaking of higher realms. Tell you the truth. I really like this.
Thanks for a beautiful read. I look forward to your next post.
p

Poe,

now that you mention it, I think I badly used "tighten" here, the word should be "tightened" and I wanted to express the "deep repetitive style of their heavy breathing"..
Thanks a lot for your comment,


Alex

[billy]

i quite like the first stanza, it gives me something to think about apart from the unneeded lines. the first line is a bit thought provoking and gives the reader an expectancy that is paid out in the 2nd stanza. my suggestion is to edit the hell out of the 2nd part and add some solid images like the orchid line in the first.

When the insomniacs & thinkers
slump roughly
into the doldrums first 3 lines work well as the opening
of tomorrow, this line makes me ask why and i don't see an answer
I flee to the orchid sky, good solid line that has the dream effect of tying into the 1st 3 lines.
journey the celestial moments this line feels too speechy, is it needed
of higher fields.

*
from here on out it feels like rhetoric that doesn't hold the reader
Also, I encounter the
grand, imposing
Pillars of Creation-
mystical, as if
the tighten tone of did you mean tightened tone? this and the next line are the only lines that work for me in this part of the poem, the rest of the lines just seem like empty phrases.
their heavy breathing
was to reveal
the inexplicable,
the tenebrous riddles
of Life, the World,
the Afterhours,
the still blankness of the mind abroad,
before,
during,
and after birth & death;
that the whole paradigm of Existence was only
the mirage of
an unintelligible detail
we keep failing to grasp.

[Alexearth]

i quite like the first stanza, it gives me something to think about apart from the unneeded lines. the first line is a bit thought provoking and gives the reader an expectancy that is paid out in the 2nd stanza. my suggestion is to edit the hell out of the 2nd part and add some solid images like the orchid line in the first.

When the insomniacs & thinkers
slump roughly
into the doldrums first 3 lines work well as the opening
of tomorrow, this line makes me ask why and i don't see an answer
I flee to the orchid sky, good solid line that has the dream effect of tying into the 1st 3 lines.
journey the celestial moments this line feels too speechy, is it needed
of higher fields.

*
from here on out it feels like rhetoric that doesn't hold the reader
Also, I encounter the
grand, imposing
Pillars of Creation-
mystical, as if
the tighten tone of did you mean tightened tone? this and the next line are the only lines that work for me in this part of the poem, the rest of the lines just seem like empty phrases.
their heavy breathing
was to reveal
the inexplicable,
the tenebrous riddles
of Life, the World,
the Afterhours,
the still blankness of the mind abroad,
before,
during,
and after birth & death;
that the whole paradigm of Existence was only
the mirage of
an unintelligible detail
we keep failing to grasp.

Thank you for your help Billy,

I'll work on this

I'll post my edit soon...


Alex

[poe]

"Tightening" makes sense. I think it works in the way you intended.
Thanks again for a lovely read.

[Alexearth]

Here's a little edit for the time being, but I would want to add more imagery. Please tell me what you think:

Edit 1:

When the insomniacs & thinkers
slump roughly
into the doldrums
of tomorrow,
I flee to the orchid sky,
journey the erratic moments
of higher fields.


Also, I encounter the
grand, imposing
Pillars of Creation-
mystical, as if
the tightened tone of
their heavy breathing
was to reveal
the riddles of the Afterhours,
the still blankness of the mind abroad;
that the whole paradigm Existence was only
the mirage of
a certain detail
we keep failing to grasp.