Prey

[Pyxx]

Edit Second Revision

Prey
 
I am hunted by wolves,
forever suffering their hollow call.
I am a racing heartbeat,
stumbling;
the night falls in sheets,
into the pitch I'm pulled.

I burn to breathe,
Slick hides sever sweet escape,
the night promises grief.
I'm candy covered bait;
screaming into the abyss,
a sacrificial prey,
I offer my wrists.
 
Cannibal grins split the dark,
a razor blade slash;
savages howling for a laugh.
Teeth shatter oaths,
cleaving into bone;
the wolves they crawl within.
Parasitic;
under tortured skin.


Edit First Revision

Prey
 
I am hunted by wolves,
suffer their hollow call.
I am a racing heartbeat,
stumbling;
the night falls in sheets,
into the pitch I'm pulled.
I burn to breathe,
Slick hides sever sweet escape.
The wolves mutter lies, sugar laced,
I can taste their hate.
The night promises grief.
I'm candy covered bait;
screaming into the abyss,
a sacrificial prey,
I offer my wrists.
 
Cannibal grins split the dark,
a razor blade slash;
savages howling for a laugh.
Teeth shatter oaths,
cleaving into bone;
the wolves they crawl within.
Parasitic;
under tortured skin.
 
The Tide
Devoured by wolves,
suffer their hollow call.
I am pulled under,
the terrible deep enthralls.
 
A tide of jaws,
stills the marrow.
Slick hides sever sweet escape.
I burn to breath,
a jagged pill promise.
I take the bait.
 
Starving teeth shatter oaths,
mercilessly hacked into bone.
The wolves they crawl within,
with claws they burrow parasitic,
under tortured skin.
 
Steeled for the kill,
the pack closes in.
Savages howling for a laugh,
ensnaring sinful wings,
razor back hackles pierce the heart.

[ajcohen613]

Devoured by wolves,
suffer their hollow call.
I am pulled under,
the terrible deep enthralls.
 
A tide of jaws,
stills the marrow.
Slick hides sever sweet escape.
I burn to breath,
a jagged pill promise.
I take the bait.
 
Starving teeth shatter oaths,
mercilessly hacked into bone.
The wolves they crawl within,
with claws they burrow parasitic,
under tortured skin.
 
Steeled for the kill,
the pack closes in.
Savages howling for a laugh,
ensnaring sinful wings,
razor back hackles pierce the heart.

The title has nothing to with the poem itself, which is odd. "A tide of jaws" just doesn't work for me; what about tides and vicious jaws are similar? Where was that connection made? Also, a lot of the poem seems overly poeticized..often too wordy and flowery, yet adding little to the poem. Keep at it, there are some very interesting phrases in here; I'd be interested to find out what you meant by "jagged pill promise." 

[Erthona]

Pyxx,

Nice images, and it rolls along pretty good. I'm sure it must be a metaphor, but what it refers to I haven't a clue.Some of this seems out of sync with time, "The wolves they crawl within" is before "the pack closes in." So that is somewhat puzzling. I'm not asking for an explanation, you should never explain your work. But perhaps add a little more context so the reader might have a chance to divine what your on about.

Dale

[zahrakh]

This is a confusing piece to me though the idea is good and can turn into a good poem.

Devoured by wolves, (Metaphor but here it sounds like someome's been actually eaten by real wolves. What these wolves are?)
suffer their hollow call.
I am pulled under,
the terrible deep enthralls.(nice, these three lines)
A tide of jaws, (tide of jaws? awkward)
stills the marrow.
Slick hides sever sweet escape.
I burn to breath,
a jagged pill promise. (interesting but wordy)
I take the bait.
Starving teeth shatter oaths,
mercilessly hacked into bone.
The wolves they crawl within,
with claws they burrow parasitic,
under tortured skin.
Steeled for the kill,
the pack closes in.
Savages howling for a laugh,
ensnaring sinful wings,
razor back hackles pierce the heart.

Somehow this is reminding me of the twilight novels, :p I like the imagery but you need to expound it, add meaning to it. For now it feels more about an attack of wolves and the fear causes. Keep writing

[Mwaba don]

This is a confusing piece to me though the idea is good and can turn into a good poem.

Devoured by wolves, (Metaphor but here it sounds like someome's been actually eaten by real wolves. What these wolves are?)
suffer their hollow call.
I am pulled under,
the terrible deep enthralls.(nice, these three lines)
A tide of jaws, (tide of jaws? awkward)
stills the marrow.
Slick hides sever sweet escape.
I burn to breath,
a jagged pill promise. (interesting but wordy)
I take the bait.
Starving teeth shatter oaths,
mercilessly hacked into bone.
The wolves they crawl within,
with claws they burrow parasitic,
under tortured skin.
Steeled for the kill,
the pack closes in.
Savages howling for a laugh,
ensnaring sinful wings,
razor back hackles pierce the heart.

Somehow this is reminding me of the twilight novels, :p I like the imagery but you need to expound it, add meaning to it. For now it feels more about an attack of wolves and the fear causes. Keep writing

You title is not spoken of in the poem. I think you left to the readers imagination that you were caught in some kind of attack by wolves which you call a Tide. some it sounds like you have metaphors but then it seems it just has to be taken straight as it it. 
you have nice rhymes and it does sound actually good though i am a fun of poems broken up in stanzas.
The words used the rhyming ll's and S's make the poem really go with the mood of the story.

[BenjaminShaw]

Devoured by wolves, Jumps right into the poem with a shocking image... well played
suffer their hollow call.
I am pulled under, maybe no comma after under... you have a tendency to put a comma and period after every stanza but sometimes it isn't needed... I see what your trying to go for however: short, sharp stanzas... this is just my preference
the terrible deep enthralls.
 
A tide of jaws, I agree that this image could use some work, but on my initial read I was actually quite fond of it... I thought of a pack of wolves. Was that what you were trying to portray?
stills the marrow.
Slick hides sever sweet escape. I love this line!
I burn to breath, do you mean I burn to breathe?
a jagged pill promise. I don't like the word jagged
I take the bait.
 
Starving teeth shatter oaths,
mercilessly hacked into bone.
The wolves they crawl within,
with claws they burrow parasitic,
under tortured skin.
 
Steeled for the kill,
the pack closes in. You've been using better language than this line. It's short and to the point but among your other lines it falls short. Maybe find a more interesting word for "closes in," I think there are some.
Savages howling for a laugh, this evokes a great image
ensnaring sinful wings,
razor back hackles pierce the heart. nice ending

[oceanwanderer20]

I too really liked this. Your use of language is fantastic. However, sometimes it seems to have a rhythm and sometimes it just feels a little off. And I agree with the "Tide of jaws" comments, it's just a little strange.

[Word Weaver]

Devoured by wolves,  - I agree with Ben, this is very dramatic .The black and white predatory whales, orcas are known as the “ wolves” of the sea, because they hunt in groups like wolf packs.
suffer their hollow call. -  the observer feels the muffled pain resonating plea of the prey
I am pulled under,  - the prey being pulled under
the terrible deep enthralls. – the observer is fascinated by the drama of the deep
 
A tide of jaws, -the rush of mouths
stills the marrow. – subdues the observer's heart, like in suspense
Slick hides sever sweet escape.
I burn to breath,  - breathe/  the prey dives deep into the depths to try and escape, but soon needs air to breathe
a jagged pill promise.- great metaphor here! Jagged=are the predators teeth awaiting, pill= the air needed from drowning..very graphic for me
I take the bait. – alas! The prey succumbs
 
Starving teeth shatter oaths,
mercilessly hacked into bone.
The wolves they crawl within,
with claws they burrow parasitic, - I stumbled with the “claws” here. Did you mean tears from cuts?
under tortured skin. – again, very graphic, great metaphors,  this is the feeding attack
 
Steeled for the kill,
the pack closes in. – seals the fate of the prey
Savages howling for a laugh, - this evokes an image of gloating brutes, orcas are known to toss and play with their meal
ensnaring sinful wings,  - an image of entangling dorsal fins as in a feeding frenzy
razor back hackles pierce the heart.-  from the onset, I have assumed the prey was a seal or a sea lion in my mind, only to discover, at the very end, it to be a WHALE! a rorqual or fin whale are called razor backs, and the hackles”fear” of one, is heartbreaking to watch. Great ending!

Hi,

I truly enjoyed figuring out your poem and  was captivated by your choice of metaphors..very intense.

It drew me, although, I must admit to have been misled at first, my very  first thought was about a gang rape, lol, well, close a pod attack would seem like one.

Had to re read it a few times, also to realized you are talking in two persons, as the prey and the observer.

Your title was a great clue to direct me, as a TIDE could mean  "repetitive, powerful, and inescapable" and conflicts ebb and flow just as tides do

Very fascinating, read! To quote you, the “terrible deep” indeed, enthralls!

Intrigued by this read and was inspired to watch KILLER WHALES vs. FIN WHALE https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWxFbOrGEPE

[Brownlie]

Devoured by wolves, -- Who was devoured by wolves?
suffer their hollow call.
I am pulled under,
the terrible deep enthralls. -- Too many adjectives and enthralls is a bit too abstract.
 
A tide of jaws,
stills the marrow.
Slick hides sever sweet escape. ---ssssss, I will admit the k in there is kind of cool, but it seems a little nonsensical.
I burn to breath,
a jagged pill promise. -- I wouldn't simply lament over drug use. If you say do it, do it, do it to represent an internal drive, maybe.
I take the bait.
 


Devoured by wolves, -- Who was devoured by wolves?
suffer their hollow call.
I am pulled under,
the terrible deep enthralls. -- Too many adjectives and enthralls is a bit too abstract.
 
Starving teeth shatter oaths,
mercilessly hacked into bone. 
The wolves are crawling fast, --- Now you could stick plenty of words in those bolded slots.
with claws they burrow parasitic,
under tortured skin.
 
Steeled for the kill,
the pack closes in.
Savages howling for a laugh,
ensnaring sinful wings,
razor back hackles pierce the heart.

All in all, the poem was a little incoherent, but I did think there were some good halting sounds.

[Owl]

Devoured by wolves,
suffer their hollow call.
I am pulled under,
the terrible deep enthralls.

A tide of jaws,
stills the marrow.
Slick hides sever sweet escape.
I burn to breath,
a jagged pill promise.
I take the bait.

Starving teeth shatter oaths,
mercilessly hacked into bone.
The wolves they crawl within,
with claws they burrow parasitic,
under tortured skin.

Steeled for the kill,
the pack closes in.
Savages howling for a laugh,
ensnaring sinful wings,
razor back hackles pierce the heart.

After reading this poem through numerous times, I grew to appreciate the many images that I realized granted the continuation of each happening, whilst maintaining the story and allowing it to move along with a decent speed. I also found it quite thought provoking, as the slightly disjointed nature that it holds allows a sense of scattered creativity to become more noticeable, which is rare but still evident within this poem here.
I'm going to do a break down, line by line. Hopefully you'll find my crit helpful in some light.

1. Devoured by wolves,

You've started this off quite well. It caught my attention, because the idea of a poem starting with such an event that you would expect to be conclusive is intriguing. I pondered on the idea that it might be a bit problematic because you aren't initially addressing what point of view this poem is supposed to be read from, but the occasional variety of POV's here actually works, because it doesn't necessarily distract the reader from the main events taking place.

2. suffer their hollow call.  

It's crucial that this line connects to the first line properly, due to your end statement (the placement of the comma and period tell me this is supposed to be a connected happening), which I don't think is the case. I feel an intrusive awkwardness as I move along to this line, and just a small tweak would do the trick, I think.
You could consider instead, "suffering from their hollow call."
The next line is written in the first person, so the newly added gerund would actually help the reader move along the first stanza with more ease than they might have without the change. Additionally, it could enclose the image into a clearer illustration, thus furthering the imagery of the consumption-of-flesh that is taking place (which I can assume from the reference to skin in stanza three, line 15).

3. I am pulled under,  

I like how this was a short simplistic sentence, whether symbolic or not (which it's flexible character would allow easily either way), it tells a lot to the reader without overwhelming them with some sort of abstruse variation to "I am pulled under".
There isn't much I'd say you need to add to this line, as I think the way it flows with the above lines, and the line directly following it is complimentary and relatively conjunctive

4. the terrible deep enthralls.

When concluding a stanza that is not supposed to be wrapping up the poem, you should always allow lee-way for further observations, which I think this line allows for.
I considered telling you to possibly replace "terrible" with something a bit more captivating, like "horrendous" or "all-consuming" (which would pull you back to the idea within the first line, where a consumption of some form of prey with flesh is taking place), but in this case neither of those adjectives seemed to read aloud as nicely as "terrible" does. Moreover, since you very nicely applied the word "enthralls" (which, for me, added a satisfyingly deep touch to the last line of the first stanza), it seemed as if the line was in good enough shape for it to stay the same.

5. A tide of jaws,

For me, the originality of this sentence gives the beginning of the second stanza a really nice enchantment that I can appreciate. I've also noticed your ability to apply typically one-dimensional words into something wholly different with a slight twist of thrill (while still acknowledging that intricately dense words should also be applied accordingly); that's an awesome skill to have, and I've noticed it also helps the verbal readability when writers/poets can properly apply this technique.
I'm actually a hypocrite for saying this line may not need an adjustment, because although I feel it is nice as is, my eyes tell me that you should consider, "A roaring tide of jaws" alternatively...?

I thought of this as I was reading through the second stanza a few times more; I found that the adjustment I mentioned above could further the already great readability and verbal rendition. Line seven of stanza two is quite long compared to line two of stanza two, which would create a little pattern of "long-short-long-short". That would mean you'd also possibly have to lengthen line five of stanza two, but I think line five is adequately lengthy (because the pattern doesn't have to be strict in this case). As I analyze stanza two further, I'll mention whether or not that is necessary.

6. stills the marrow.

I like this line because I can imagine the "tide of jaws" gripping into bone, essentially "stilling the marrow". Now, I wouldn't say that you should replace "stills" with its gerund variation that I just used, because your application of "stills" here works, but you could certainly consider it if you feel that it somehow accentuates the sentences effectiveness (although I'd recommend leaving it as is, personally).

7. Slick hides sever sweet escape.

This is brilliant! The way you articulate the desire for "sweet escape" while also describing the wolves in such a effortless manner, really allows the general presence of both the prey and the wolf to be molded into an even more eerie light (while ALSO allowing the value of this sentence to bejewel the poem's overall tone). Again, I applaud you for this line, I really like it.

8. I burn to breath,

Read in context, I assume this is connected to the second line following, not solely because of the applied comma, but also due to the interconnection between breath(e) and "promise" (again, located within the next line), because of their deeper correlation to one's mouth (since one can verbalize a promise, as well as bring out the action of breathing). I'm not sure if there's some form of veiled symbolism between both lines, but it isn't breaking the poem's process of sinuous continuation, so it isn't really too concerning.
I am also hesitant to add any words, because as I mentioned in the breakdown of line five, there's a little pattern of "long-short-long-short" that would be broken if any more words were to be added. There is enough imagery and understanding within this one line either way, so any additions might be positive, but I don't think it would necessarily push the strength of this line higher than it is already at.

And of course, you might want to correct the spelling to "breathe", if that's what you were going for (it'd make the most sense in this instance).

9. a jagged pill promise.

This is an interesting amalgamation of words, it underlines the brutal intensity of the situation while adding a flare of unexplained representation. The reference to a pill makes me feel as if there is some sort of medicinal  purpose of the promise the prey has made; whether it be spiritual, physical, or mental, I like it and it works here.

10. I take the bait.

This line is good, but I almost feel it could be better. I was trying to think up something that would better convey "taking the bait" in a short but more powerful manner. The very simple approach I feel you've taken thus far, may not work in this line. I'm wary to completely change the format of the sentence, but that's hard because this is an idiom, and any significant change could throw off the meaning entirely.

What about morphing this sentence into something of a capitulation? I'm not sure if that would mess with your main metaphorical path for this poem as a whole... If not, then I'd suggest replacing this sentence with something that involves the same concept of "taking the bait", but in a way that is more vivid and intense.

11. Starving teeth shatter oaths,

This takes me back to line nine where you mention a promise, or rather, a pill promise. From what I can take, this same oath is now seemingly shattered as the starving wolves close in to consume the prey. The personification of the teeth here is alluring, and I like it.

As far as I know this is a solid line and it goes a long with your poem nicely. No apparent changes are needed.

12. mercilessly hacked into bone.

The problem that was evident to me in line two of stanza one is evident here as well. I don't feel that complete association between the line prior to this line. The continuation that your adverb here suggests is definitely one element that tells me there should be a stronger connection here, as does the comma on the line prior to this line. I can see that the reference to 'bone' and 'teeth' are supposed to correlate but the ineptness of your verb tense doesn't make that correlation work.

I'd suggest changing "hacked" into "hacking", and with that you should be good.

13. The wolves they crawl within,

I'm glad you made sure the wolves were indicated here, instead of just using a pronoun (which would have left the line dull). Though, I have to admit there is still a sense of emptiness in this line, whereas I think it should hold much more density due to the non-literal implication I feel it holds. I'm not fully sure what could heighten the intensity here, but I'm thinking that it might be interesting to refer to the wolves as something  else (because by now the reader should know this is a predator vs. prey situation). You could refer to them as "demons" or "beasts"... something interesting and symbolic for the merciless characteristics the wolves in this poem embody.

14. with claws they burrow parasitic,

This sentence is deep, violent, and powerful! I read this stanza allowed, specifically focusing on this line, wondering if you should make parasitic into its adverb variation... but after further thought, I've come to find that it reads better as is. I also want to mention that I notice at this point the wolves are indeed already attacking the prey, although in line seventeen you say they are "closing in", I feel that it is referencing the death of the prey, as they get closer to the heart (causing immediate death). In terms of my analysis, I may be getting ahead of myself!

All in all, this line is adequately thrilling and graphic, nice job.

15. under tortured skin.

When concluding a stanza with so much built up ferocity, one should always be sure that it is ended in such a way that allows the implosion of emotion to be evident. I think you were able to do that successfully here, despite the simplicity of the sentence, I feel as if the dark tone was fulfilled when you ended the 3 line-long sentence with these three very grim words. I do think you should consider replacing "skin" with "flesh", when spoken it only furthers the ferociously sullen tenor you're going for here.

16. Steeled for the kill,

I really want to like this line more than I do. I feel as if the word "kill" is under-emphasized and brings this line to a sudden... "eh".
What do you think about replacing "kill" with "execution"? I feel as if that would apply to both the wolves and the prey, as well as raise the one-dimensional word into something much more stirring.

Of course, that isn't the only word that would be a good replacement for "kill", but I do think it would be a great replacement word to consider.

17. the pack closes in.

Here we are, the line I mentioned within my analysis of line fourteen! It took more than a few reads for me to understand that this wasn't referring to the wolves literally "closing in" on the prey, but more of, the prey coming closer to complete death (as in, the wolves are already tearing at the "tortured skin" at this point). I was excited to figure this out, because it makes the poem that much more sinister, knowing that these wolves aren't only satisfied by the sustenance that the prey provides, but also by the causality in which they cause. Nice complexity there!!

18. Savages howling for a laugh,

These wolves are indeed savages based upon their acts so far, and the laugh that they crack into the atmosphere is so sickening and fitting for this poem. I almost want to say that it's cliché for an evil figure within a poem/story/etc. to be as cruel as to laugh at their victim (before OR after death), but the fact that these are non-verbal creatures, it makes it even more shocking because it isn't about the strict meaning but more of these particular wolves and their savage nature.
Also, I would consider taking the -ing out of "howling", and leave "howl" instead, the verbal interpretation seems better that way, as does the tense.

19. ensnaring sinful wings,

Demons. When I read this I immediately thought of demons. I also thought of angels as contrast, making me believe the victim was of innocence and had done nothing to provoke these beasts. The interesting part is that you choose to say "ensnaring sinful wings"... are these wolves possessed by demons? If so, bravo for your concealed, yet still discoverable, reference! It would completely explain the demonic nature of these wolves... how could animals be so evil, as to torture their victim purposefully? DEMONS.

20. razor back hackles pierce the heart.

This was the ending I was looking for, because not only does it validate my logic behind the wolves being largely wicked in their intentions, but it also ends with the ultimate death of the prey, which one might have assumed happened earlier in the poem when the wolves were tearing at the victim's skin (but alas, it was more complex than that).
I have to acknowledge your mentioning of the hackles, because I wasn't aware of what they were until I put the word into Google and was pleased with the result; apparently they're "erectile hairs along the back of a dog or other animal that rise when it is angry or alarmed". I really love that you made sure to use a term that was directly relevant to the species that you have been referencing throughout the poem; it's always nice to learn a new word and this one was particularly of my liking.
Now, it is your grammatical usage of "hackles" I question. I'm not sure if the way you used it was proper, as they are already known to be hairs on the back on this type of animal, so is it really necessary to say "back hackles"? I'm unsure. I'd suggest looking into it further.

The way the last line reads aloud is slightly odd, as if there is a misplaced word or phrase... Though the concept is right on. I think I'd suggest replacing "back" with an adjective you see fit. The best person to adjust it would be you, because you're most aware of what you want the final interpretation to be, otherwise I'd say this last line is passable.

Title: "The Tide"

This may be a weird placement for the title analysis, but I think it'll be fine.
Basically, I just wanted to say that the title should be more of a delicate summation of the poem, and not just a snippet. In this case, I believe you should think deeper, and find what the heart of this particular poem says to you and the reasoning behind its creation. Ask yourself questions that you might not have when you initially named the piece of poetry; it may take awhile to rename it, or you may just decide "hell with these fools, the name rocks", either way you should consider giving it more thought.

*sorry for all the typos and grammatical errors, I think I cleaned most of them up.

[crow]

Owl--wow! A woman after my own heart I'd love it if you hit my poem "restless" in misc

[crow]

Owl wrote:
"I pondered on the idea that it might be a bit problematic because you aren't initially addressing what point of view this poem is supposed to be read from, but the occasional variety of POV's here actually works, because it doesn't necessarily distract the reader from the main events taking place."

I disagree. I found the strobing POV in S1 to be intensely distracting.

L2's imperative verb implies a "you," but suddenly on the next line, an "I" takes over. I'm guessing there's an error there

Additionally, the poem doesn't start at S1, but rather at the title, "The Tide." I found it awfully jarring to jump from an image of the sea to an image of a wolf . . .

Macro question--this is a poem about meth addiction, right?

[crow]

Alright, Owl, you got me caught up in this hahaha I'll go ahead and give it a macro

Macro.

Critical Issue #1: The metaphor.

Word Weaver went to great lengths to develop a sense-making interpretation. But it doesn't hold up bc, as was correctly noted, it can't account for the claws.

Bottom line: you overworked your central metaphor instead of abandoning it because its easier to talk about the violence and cruelty of wolves than the violence and cruelty of the events of your life.

But the pathos of your story is the story itself, not the clothing you put on it. I'd 1000% rather read a poem about your real life than one about a pack of bizarrely aggressive wolves. Not only that, I *want* to read that poem. Very badly, in fact. So go write it!

Critical Issue #2: lines that don't make sense.

There are only four lines that make total sense: 1, 3, 10, and 17. The rest we have to guess at their meaning. The most perplexing is: "Slick hides sever sweet escape." I can't picture a hide either severing something or preventing an escape.

Critical Issue #3: The poem is merely descriptive.

Here's the narrative you've got. In S1, the speaker, who might it might not've been eaten, becomes enthralled by an abyss. In S2, the speaker can't get free and enters a trap. In S3, wolves maliciously enter the speaker's body. Finally, in S4 a pack of wolves moves in for the kill.

In other words, the poem functions only to describe the wolves. The same event occurs in each stanza: wolves cause harm.

This is a problem bc there's no dilemma, and hence no plot.

The simplest solution to this is to have the narrator fighting for his life. As written, it seems like that's what's happening, but it isn't. There are no instances where the narrator resists.

[Owl]

Owl wrote:
"I pondered on the idea that it might be a bit problematic because you aren't initially addressing what point of view this poem is supposed to be read from, but the occasional variety of POV's here actually works, because it doesn't necessarily distract the reader from the main events taking place."

I disagree. I found the strobing POV in S1 to be intensely distracting.

L2's imperative verb implies a "you," but suddenly on the next line, an "I" takes over. I'm guessing there's an error there

Additionally, the poem doesn't start at S1, but rather at the title, "The Tide." I found it awfully jarring to jump from an image of the sea to an image of a wolf . . .

Macro question--this is a poem about meth addiction, right?

---

Alright, Owl, you got me caught up in this hahaha I'll go ahead and give it a macro  

Macro.

Critical Issue #1: The metaphor.

Word Weaver went to great lengths to develop a sense-making interpretation. But it doesn't hold up bc, as was correctly noted, it can't account for the claws.

Bottom line: you overworked your central metaphor instead of abandoning it because its easier to talk about the violence and cruelty of wolves than the violence and cruelty of the events of your life.

But the pathos of your story is the story itself, not the clothing you put on it. I'd 1000% rather read a poem about your real life than one about a pack of bizarrely aggressive wolves. Not only that, I *want* to read that poem. Very badly, in fact. So go write it!

Critical Issue #2: lines that don't make sense.

There are only four lines that make total sense: 1, 3, 10, and 17. The rest we have to guess at their meaning. The most perplexing is: "Slick hides sever sweet escape." I can't picture a hide either severing something or preventing an escape.

Critical Issue #3: The poem is merely descriptive.

Here's the narrative you've got. In S1, the speaker, who might it might not've been eaten, becomes enthralled by an abyss. In S2, the speaker can't get free and enters a trap. In S3, wolves maliciously enter the speaker's body. Finally, in S4 a pack of wolves moves in for the kill.

In other words, the poem functions only to describe the wolves. The same event occurs in each stanza: wolves cause harm.

This is a problem bc there's no dilemma, and hence no plot.

The simplest solution to this is to have the narrator fighting for his life. As written, it seems like that's what's happening, but it isn't. There are no instances where the narrator resists.

Hahaha well I'm glad I did! Your crit really got me thinking and further allowed me to reason whether or not this poem's spectrum of elements are workable or not.

In attempts to better understand your crit, I reconsidered my own initial opinion on the POV within S1, and I have to say... I think you're right. With the lack of diversity within the poem's active character line-up, the scattered POV makes me hesitant about how much it actually affects the poem as a whole, which saddens me because I originally grew to like the direction this poem was going in...

I also didn't consider the implications that L2's imperative verb set upon the "you" and "I" issue. Your point is completely valid. This actually furthers my nervousness about how nearly all the verb usages might need some cleaning up. Correctly applying POVs becomes even more important, again, when you're working with such a limited amount of main-figures... Which I failed to mention/realize in my original crit.

And yes. The title, I couldn't decipher whether it'd be taking too much away from the poet's direction if I were to strongly suggest a complete change, but it's true... When I first clicked on this thread I didn't expect a poem about wolves and their attack on prey. At all.
Overall, it's likely not to the poem's benefit to keep the title as is.

Now, I do agree that the central metaphor was overworked, but isn't the idea of a metaphor to mask potentially (personal) sensitive topics with symbolic junctions that aren't necessarily literal? The plot here *is* the dilemma, and the deeper meanings (which I mentioned may involve some sort of demonic oppression or possession) associated with said problem.
Note: the victim is relinquishing its life willingly, "[taking] the bait", which also connects to some sort of unsaid oath, therefore any resistance would make the prey develop a sense of disloyalty or self-betrayal to the reader.
The OP may have been trying to strive for a slow progression of a very focused event, which may not even be symbolic for neither what I said, nor what you said.
There is also the chance that there is no hidden meaning behind the poem, and that the OP simply wanted to create a scene that had just so happened to have no connection to their immediate or non-immediate personal life events at all.

The poem's mysterious diction is intriguing, and although the ideas might be overplayed (and frankly, just a bit cliche... I mean, predator vs. prey is a pretty common topic to base a poem on), there's still a place for poems like this.
And I hope this doesn't come off as rude to the OP, but the amount of work this poem needs in order for it to be at it's optimal level is high, so I suggest really reconsidering your ideas here.

Mainly to OP:

Does it seem like the crit's so far are pretty accurate on what the symbolism is suppose to imply? Do you feel that your main focus is far too masked by the errors that lie within this poem? Do you fear that the prevalent overplaying of the events taking place is hindering this poem's effectiveness?

Ask yourself these questions and continue to reread/analyze your poem until you find the answers.

Back to crow: Now then, I suppose I should go start my write up on "restless" now

[Pyxx]

Wow, I really appreciate the critiques, Owl, you have helped a lot. This work is not about meth addiction, though thanks for asking. I understand that this poem needs work. I have retitled this and reworked it. After reading many works from individuals who appear to write effortlessly I try not to take my own work too seriously, see the poem titled Self Inflicted Parody.


In relation to the problematic written expression of "Slick hides sever sweet escape" perhaps an animal hide can be considered slick if it is rain soaked and in reponse to the written expression of "severing escape," I think what I was driving at was stopping the prey from escaping by having the predator stand in the way, therefore 'severing escape'. I can only attempt to correct the work and in doing so perhaps improve over time. I agree that this work can be considered to be confusing to the reader due to the inconsistent use of sync in time. The wolves they crawl within" is before "the pack closes in." ect. I have attempted to rewrite this poem and I have renamed it.  I can only hope that in doing so it does some justice to the awesome critiques I have received ^_^



Edit


Prey
 
I am hunted by wolves,
suffer their hollow call,
thorns delight my feet.
I embrace the pain beneath,
into the deep I'm pulled.
 
I burn to breathe,
Slick hides sever sweet escape.
muttering lies, sugar laced,
I can taste their hate.
The night promises grief,
I'm candy colored bait.
Screaming into the abyss,
a sacrificial prey,
I offer my wrists.
 
Cannibal grins split the dark,
a razor blade slash;
savages howling for a laugh.
Teeth shatter oaths,
cleaving into bone;
the wolves they crawl within.
Parasitic;
under tortured skin.
 
Viscera torn apart.
I'm devoured by beasts,
animal hackles pierce the heart.



The Tide

Devoured by wolves,

suffer their hollow call.
I am pulled under,
the terrible deep enthralls.
 
A tide of jaws,
stills the marrow.
Slick hides sever sweet escape.
I burn to breath,
a jagged pill promise.
I take the bait.
 
Starving teeth shatter oaths,
mercilessly hacked into bone.
The wolves they crawl within,
with claws they burrow parasitic,
under tortured skin.
 
Steeled for the kill,
the pack closes in.
Savages howling for a laugh,
ensnaring sinful wings,
razor back hackles pierce the heart.