The Faceless One

[Willpark]

I am the faceless one.
I have no name. I am no one.
But I know the secrets
you thought you hid.
I see the deeds
you never did.
I hear the words
you dare not speak.
I think the thoughts
you fear to seek.
I’ll be your judge
on that day to come.
I'm taking names,
I'm leaving none.
So remember me:
I am the faceless one.

[cidermaid]

Hi willpark,  this is a subject that I feel like I have read many times over and as such you poem has not presented any surprises.  This said i think you have handled and controled you poem well.  It is a solid enough write.
I'll offer a couple of comments on the text.

I am the faceless one.
I have no name. I am no one.   I found this line a bit too chopy for the second line in. I suggest that the period could becom a comma.
But I know the secrets  Not sure that you need the but.
you thought you hid.
I see the deeds
you never did.   Again here you could let the reader run on and give the poem a bit more pace by changing the period into a comma here as well.
I hear the words
you dare not speak.
I think the thoughts
you fear to seek.
I’ll be your judge
on that day to come.   I feel like I want this run on effect here as well.   Your poem your call...these are just my thoughts.
I'm taking names,
I'm leaving none.
So remember me:
I am the faceless one.

Overall I liked that yu have allowed the reader to picture who the voice is, be that God, an overbearing teacher or gardian or even a downtrodden partener who is keeping score of things.  
All the best AJ.

[gypsyrose]

I like your poem, but I think it sounds better if you say - I will be your judge, I am taking names and I am leaving none.

[newsclippings]

This would be nice to hang up in front of a Haunted House.

[Erthona]

Casting yourself as a fictional cartoon/role playing character as it undervalues anything you would say, not that it would matter as what you do say is so generic it could be about many things. It begs the question that if you are a fictional character isn't the person to whom you are talking also a fictional character? If that is the case, why should I care. All in all it seems like just a bunch of ego stroking, at least for the character.

Dale

[Amitey Blyss]

Reminds me of an old Megadeth song. Or maybe Metallica.

I like the flow of it, easy to read, easy to convey the meaning of what you are going for. Leaves me as the reader a bit spooked, which I am assuming is the tone. Like another said, it would be good in a haunted house, or as a children's Halloween book. Not meaning to take anything away from the poem.

[SimikPK]

Hello.

I am the faceless one.
I have no name. I am no one. Is this line really necessary? Being faceless already suggests this. Also, the repetition of the very same word at the end of two consecutive makes the beginning of the poem feel slow, while than the poem attempts to be dynamic. Not sure if you want the beginning and the end serve as a frame for the poem, if so, might work, if not, I would make the first and last two lines rhyme (and completely changing the second line)

But I know the secrets
you thought you hid.
I see the deeds
you never did.
I hear the words
you dare not speak.
I think the thoughts
you fear to seek.
I’ll be your judge
on that day to come.
I'm taking names,
I'm leaving none. All this lines seem to be negatin lineg 2. In the beginning, the lyrical subject states they are nothing, and in the following lines it proves the very contrary. Leaving the secondl line out would make the poem make more sense, since it would in a way explain what being faceless one means.

So remember me:
I am the faceless one. This ending says everything that has already been said, adds nothing new, maybe you could explore some new aspects of being faceless, not just restating.

[superfluid]

I am the faceless one.
I have no name. I am no one.
But I know the secrets
you thought you hid.
I see the deeds
you never did.
I hear the words
you dare not speak.
I think the thoughts
you fear to seek.
I’ll be your judge
on that day to come.
I'm taking names,
I'm leaving none.
So remember me:
I am the faceless one.

I'm into this. It immediately reminded me of "The Spy" by The Doors ("I'm a spy, in the house of love. I know the dream, that you're dreaming of....")
As someone else mentioned, I agree the "but" isn't needed on the third line.
For this phrase:
I'll be your judge
on that day to come.
I'm taking names,
I'm leaving none.
I think there is some tension between this section and the opening section. The nameless one is taking names and leaving none...There seems to be a play on words you could make in here. The nameless one never took a name, or else they would have a name, yes? The message and the rhyme works really well here though and has an element of creepiness to it.
To me, the narrator is the reader's subconscious. Always there but never named, it knows your deepest secrets and your hidden fears. Nice job.

[Heyyous]

I am the faceless one.
I have no name. I am no one. //I am the sun? how about this change.
But I know the secrets
you thought you hid.
I see the deeds
you never did.
I hear the words
you dare not speak.
I think the thoughts
you fear to seek.
I’ll be your judge
on that day to come.
I'm taking names,
I'm leaving none.
So remember me:
I am the faceless one.

I really like this because it speaks truths to me, but I feel like you could have more fun with it if you give it a duality. You could use the sun as a figurative example and make the reader feel like the sun is the one who holds these thoughts. Just an idea I do like the way you wrote it out.

[Leanne]

Not bad.

This is a critique forum, and this is not critique.  Please try harder/ admin

[twinked]

I like the poem, but also have the feeling I've heard something similar somewhere, no idea where Overall, I like it pretty much. The faceless one could be God as some pointed out, but it could be the inner critic that gathers regrets that haunt people in the old age. There is a special emphasis on the secrets, words untold and deeds not done - so taking counts of passivity as opposed to wrongdoings that did not result from the passivity.

[Paint with words]

I think this poem has the potential to be something really interesting actually. What stops it? Well I'm not entirely sure to be honest. Some of the wordplay and sentence structure is definitely off but it's more than that. The way you use your words should be able to give the feel that "The Faceless One" could be anybody. but it feels like the wordplay or rather the lack of it, is holding it back. Otherwise it sounds like you are talking about yourself and I'm not sure that's a great idea in this particular case.

[Pious Baloney]

This poem invoked thoughts of accountability...taboos...and skeletons in the closet for me.     Succinct and well written I think.  

I think you could rearrange/tweak the first couple lines to introduce this faceless one to the reader a bit more assertively.  Also the last line seems unnecessarily long.  It seems to disrupt the spirit of the succinct flow that you maintain throughout the rest of the poem.  Modest suggestions are below.    


I am the faceless one.      <---  'I have no name.  I am no one.'
I have no name. I am no one.    <--- 'Behold I am the faceless one.'
But I know the secrets  
you thought you hid.
I see the deeds
you never did.
I hear the words
you dare not speak.
I think the thoughts
you fear to seek.
I’ll be your judge
on that day to come.
I'm taking names,
I'm leaving none.
So remember me:
I am the faceless one.   <--- 'the faceless one.'

[azure]

This poem was brief, and very bland. I would suggest applying more effort into expressing the nature of the subject matter without disrupting the lyrical flow of the piece itself. When writing brief poetry, I have learned from experience to utilize imagery and language that leaves one on edge. The impact of such poems becomes extremely effective once mastered. Keep working on it.

[GerryMattia]

I am the faceless one.
I have no name. I am no one.
But I know the secrets
you thought you hid.
I see the deeds
you never did.
I hear the words
you dare not speak.
I think the thoughts
you fear to seek.
I’ll be your judge
on that day to come.
I'm taking names,
I'm leaving none.
So remember me:
I am the faceless one.

After many years of writing - I can tell you. . . this is a very nice "line up of letters" bit. if you went back in this one and aligned all the "I" and "you' as lead off for each breaking line. . . you will thank me.

[paranoid marvin]

I am the faceless one.
I have no name. I am no one.
But I know the secrets -
you thought you hid. -
I see the deeds
you never did. -
I hear the words
you dare not speak.
I think the thoughts
you fear to seek.
I’ll be your judge
on that day to come. -
I'm taking names,
I'm leaving none.
So remember me:
I am the faceless one.

But I know the secrets - Definately lose the 'but'. Also consider using the word 'thing' instead of 'secret' It's one syllable too long and is a harsh word in a poem full of softer ones, almost as if the 'faceless one' is whispering to you. Also goes better with 'thought' from the next line, so:

I know the things
you thought you'd hid


I’ll be your judge
on that day to come.

a syllable too many for me, breaking the rhthym. Also you move away from the 'I' and 'the' line and the opposing 'your' patterns of the previous lines.

How about

'I'll be the judge ,
When your day comes

Also consider calling him 'Faceless One' so he has a title, and makes it sound like an entitity (which in my opinion makes it a bit more chilling)

A very nice poem overall though

[Dymun Fengshui]

I really enjoyed this poem. I only have a few suggestions.

I am the faceless one.
I have no name. I am no one. I would use a comma between the two not a period, this would make the sentence less choppy
But I know the secrets
you thought you hid.
I see the deeds
you never did.
I hear the words
you dare not speak.
I think the thoughts
you fear to seek.
I’ll be your judge
on that day to come. This line was a bit awkward, maybe some rewording
I'm taking names,
I'm leaving none.
So remember me:
I am the faceless one. I would like this better if it ended " So remember me:/ The faceless one." instead of I am the faceless one.

[Leanne]

The OP has not returned since this poem was posted and is clearly not workshopping; therefore, it is pointless to keep this thread open for people to waste their time commenting/ Admin