no title yet (Edit 1)

[cidermaid]

The art of being drift wood.

Lead my feet along your shore,
beyond my ebbing strength.
Trace the shadow of my life,
turn my footsteps inside out.
Your touch can cover all of me,
smooth away uneven indents.
Remove all trace of barefaced toes,
the bruises made by stones,
cast from self made thrones.

Draw me at dawn
to seek your tides and drown
in tear worn salted grains.
Wash through this layered pain
until I rest in your deep embrace.
And I will rise again.

I will roam in murmured coves,
search the hidden inroads,
follow blood casts set in sand,
place my nails in cavernous holes,
until these faithless feet
are tested on your water;
can walk the waves , stand in the rage
and storm the depths again.
 
Sing over me your ocean songs.
I will arise and heed your call
I am yours; watered logos cast adrift.
In the deep you are mine.


 

 

Not convinced about the title or the ending - Think I might have killed it








Flotsam

Lead my feet along your shore,
beyond my ebbing strength.
Trace the shadow of my life,
turn my footsteps inside out.
Your touch can cover all of me,
smooth away uneven indents,
remove all trace of barefaced toes;
the  bruises made by stones;
cast from self made thrones.

Draw me at dawn
to seek your tides, to drown
in tear worn salted grains,
ride flood planes of layered pain,
come to rest in your deep embrace.
And I will rise again.

I will roam the silent coves,
search the hidden inroads,
follow blood casts set in sand,
place my nails in those cavernous holes,
until these faithless feet
are tested upon your water;
can walk the waves , stand in the rage
and storm the depths again.
  
Sing over me your ocean songs.
I will arise and heed your call.
For I am yours and you are mine.
 



Undecided on the title...the title and the poem is perhaps all a bit predictable and as such tedious as a read...but I like beach / ocean images so it covers to things I wanted to convey - but it feels flat.

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[tectak]

Flotsam

Lead my feet along your shore,
beyond my ebbing strength.Hooked on the opener. I am on the line. I only want to know who it is that you are talking to. The indeterminacy of third person "people" can be a little Agatha Christie if you leave character identity too long. We shall see
Trace the shadow of my life,
turn my footsteps inside out.Very nice imagery. Could be followed through?
Your touch can cover all of me,Well, and I mean that, we are talking fantasy lover here...if not, the metaphor is anthropomorphically the wide, wild ocean. I am undecided because you are, too.
smooth away uneven indents,Yes to this. The "inside out" works with "indents" to conjure up embossed or "raised" foot-prints. Some may say confusing. I am not yet confused but I am getting there.
remove all trace of barefaced toes;It only needs a comma or you will get nested semicolons and a list. Ooops. You have
the  bruises made by stones;
cast from self made thrones.OK. great relief. I am now confused. This is where the poem starts

Draw me at dawn
to seek your tides, to drown
in tear worn salted grains,
ride flood planes of layered pain,This is too much of a contrivance. You can do better than this. The metaphor of flood "plane" and "layers" is tempting, but get it behind thee. It just seems forced....and worse than that....it isn't.
come to rest in your deep embrace.
And I will rise again.Why "and"?...or more importantly WOULD you rise again. I am struggling with the rebirth metaphor. If I read this correctly I feel that the flotsam ( or more likely jetsam ) core is weakened  by the renaissance. I like your provisional title and can see why you struggled to arrive at it, but the idea of flotsam (ship wreckage that floats) just puzzles the metaphorical muse out'ta me. Jetsam, on the other hand, is tossed overboard and sinks awaiting salvage....is that not where you are?  

I will roam the silent coves,
search the hidden inroads,
follow blood casts set in sand,
place my nails in those cavernous holes,
until these faithless feetOnly a little nit...those and these...but it STILL makes sense.
are tested upon your water;
can walk the waves , stand in the rage
and storm the depths again.This stanza is powerful and I cannot fault it. It actually stands out. Is that a good thing?
  
Sing over me your ocean songs.
I will arise and heed your call.Hmmm. Well, all this bobbing up and down is not good for me. I think a cleaner, crisper run at the metaphor would help. As it is, there are just too many demands on the detective skills of THIS reader. Nonetheless, I have to say that you have written a pretty piece...but that last "for" is completely superflous.
For I am yours and you are mine.
 
Hi cider,
This is me liking it. I do think that you have got a little OTT with the "sounds of the sea" references...you know, sing, song, storm, waves, rage, depths, ebbing, water,coves, sand,tides, drown ,salt, deep....there is no etc, you have mentioned them all.
Best,
Tom


Undecided on the title...the title and the poem is perhaps all a bit predictable and as such tedious as a read...but I like beach / ocean images so it covers to things I wanted to convey - but it feels flat.

[cidermaid]

Hi Tom,
Thanks for the comments and thoughts.  
"Like" was unexpected, I had your critical perusal in mind when I made the predictable comment... I thought you would be likely to tear it apart as dull...so I hid it in misc .
Glad i managed to fill the list of sea sounds - would hate to disappoint.

You are of course quite correct over the use of flotsam / jetsam...( I had just got them the wrong way around) although even jetsam still does not really fit my line of thoughts...more a piece of driftwood upon a beach.   I wanted to convey an idea of being loved and beauty being percieved in something that is just passed over as rubbish normaly.   (It's a God love thing!).   My other option /suggestion for a title was along the lines of:-  The art of driftwood

I can see and do conceed many of the points you make concerning how this one might confuse in terms of the third person...what can I say religion is complicated when you have a triune based relationship you are trying to shoehorn into a methaphor .

Finally it is almost a relief that you mentioned the forced rhyme and the contrivience on the floodplanes lines.  I had a fixed image of how the incomming tidal forces will drag something under the sand and bury it...the layers in a beach...but I'm struggling to make it work for me.   Anyway thanks for the red light on this, will go back and reconsider.
All comments much appreciated. 
Cheers AJ.

[just mercedes]

I live by the ocean and walk the shore - now I can see people all over the world doing the same and I wonder if they all are poets. Or just other people coming to terms with loss. I do like the way you let the scene tell the story.



Flotsam

Lead my feet along your shore,
beyond my ebbing strength.
Trace the shadow of my life,
turn my footsteps inside out.
Your touch can cover all of me,
smooth away uneven indents,
remove all trace of barefaced toes;
the  bruises made by stones;
cast from self made thrones. I'd leave this stanza out - it tells me what you show me in the poem.


Draw me at dawn Great strong command - your reader is hooked
to seek your tides, to drown
in tear worn salted grains,
ride flood planes of layered pain,
come to rest in your deep embrace.
And I will rise again.

I will roam the silent coves, I'm being picky but want hushed or similar rather than silent
search the hidden inroads,
follow blood casts set in sand, these two lines tip over into overdone, for me -
place my nails in those cavernous holes,  leave them out
until [these faithless] my feet
are tested upon your water; on rather than upon feels smoother to me
can walk the waves , stand in the rage
and storm the depths again.
  
Sing over me your ocean songs.
I will arise and heed your call. no period, no cap in next line -let it run on.
For I am yours and you are mine. those last four words let me down a bit.
 



Undecided on the title...the title and the poem is perhaps all a bit predictable and as such tedious as a read...but I like beach / ocean images so it covers to things I wanted to convey - but it feels flat.

[cidermaid]

Thanks for your input mercedes.
Taken much of what you offered on board, but not ready to throw away the first stanza yet. (Still thinking on your thoughts here)
Just put up a new edit.