your shuttered eyes

[billy]

your shuttered eyes
a reflection of myself
stares back at me

i keep seeing the eyes closed (shuttered) and wonder how there can be a reflection?

[cidermaid]

i rather like this.
It makes me think of a parent looking at a child (could be alsleep or dead - so it has a whistful & sad overtone for me)
I wouldn't change anything.
AJ

[billy]

bloody hell yes, i missed the whole idea of the thing now aj mentioned. it's a parent looking at a child asleep. the child being the reflection and not the eyes. [i retract my feedback in the 1st reply] thanks aj :J:

[ellajam]

I moved from physically closed eyes to the cold eyes of someone who has removed themselves from interaction.

So, thought provoking piece.

You could use "my reflection" as L2.

Thanks for posting it.

[Erthona]

The word "shutters" is an excellent choice in this context, it is deep and vibrant, plus it gives the impression of someone whose eyes are not completely closed. I would work towards less ambiguity. Whether cidermaids interpretation is correct or not I do not know, and cannot tell from the poem. It certainly is one interpretation, but there are a number of others that could fit easily as well. Poetry should not be written like a Buddhist Koan. There is a reason why people don't drive tractors on the highway.


Dale

[Erthona]

Oh, sorry. I didn't know this was a haiku.

dale

[Erthona]

Oh sorry, I didn't know it was a haiku. If I had known that I wouldn't have commented. I know nothing about haiku.

dale

[Erthona]

Do you mean a "senryu"?