Posts: 12
Threads: 2
Joined: Dec 2014
12-14-2014, 02:42 PM
Just a rough-draft i was really eager to post. Wrote this about 2 months ago and never really touched up on it but would like to hear your thoughts good and/or bad. Oh and I know my grammar/punctuation isn't perfect here but that's just my personal choice. I think it's eccentric but feel free to voice your opinion.
This is The Song of Desperation/
filled with rage and much frustration/
Moved by hate when love's adjacent/
dreamt of Freddy, Chuck, and Jason/
This is The Song of Shady Antics/
born a monster; the Devil's handpick/
Life of lies, it's never candid/
this is the curse that I am damned with/
This is The Song of Whips and Chains/
slave the young, slit their veins/
I hear them whisper "Vic's insane!"/
I'm mad they say, a bit deranged/
This is The Song of Sticks and Stones/
when sung aloud, will chip your bones/
No other genre grips the throne/
like the Song of Songs,it sits alone/
I'm tired of everyone wearing the same ego./
They're like hoards of sheep, but a Mind is plain lethal./
Posts: 1,325
Threads: 82
Joined: Sep 2013
Hi, Voker.
For me the rhyme scheme undermined the weight of the idea, too lightweight for a Song of Desperation. If you take a look at the practice threads you'll find many interesting rhyme schemes you might be interested in attempting. Welcome.
(12-14-2014, 02:42 PM)Voker101 Wrote: Just a rough-draft i was really eager to post. Wrote this about 2 months ago and never really touched up on it but would like to hear your thoughts good and/or bad. Oh and I know my grammar/punctuation isn't perfect here but that's just my personal choice. I think it's eccentric but feel free to voice your opinion.
This is The Song of Desperation/
filled with rage and much frustration/
Moved by hate when love's adjacent/
dreamt of Freddy, Chuck, and Jason/
This is The Song of Shady Antics/
born a monster; the Devil's handpick/
Life of lies, it's never candid/
this is the curse that I am damned with/
This is The Song of Whips and Chains/
slave the young, slit their veins/
I hear them whisper "Vic's insane!"/
I'm mad they say, a bit deranged/
This is The Song of Sticks and Stones/
when sung aloud, will chip your bones/
No other genre grips the throne/
like the Song of Songs,it sits alone/
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
Posts: 12
Threads: 2
Joined: Dec 2014
Oh okay, you think I stretched too hard for the rhymes, thats what you're saying?
I'm tired of everyone wearing the same ego./
They're like hoards of sheep, but a Mind is plain lethal./
Posts: 1,325
Threads: 82
Joined: Sep 2013
(12-15-2014, 05:02 AM)Voker101 Wrote: Oh okay, you think I stretched too hard for the rhymes, thats what you're saying?
I was saying aaaabbbbccccdddd. There are more complex ways to interweave your rhymes that might be more interesting.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
Posts: 12
Threads: 2
Joined: Dec 2014
Oh I see what you mean lol. My usual rhyme schemes are abab acac or something like that, but thanks for the feedback.
I'm tired of everyone wearing the same ego./
They're like hoards of sheep, but a Mind is plain lethal./
Posts: 12
Threads: 2
Joined: Dec 2014
Now that you mention it, it does seem kind of dull to me but maybe its only because I've read it so many times.
I'm tired of everyone wearing the same ego./
They're like hoards of sheep, but a Mind is plain lethal./
