Ye olde internet.

[Brownlie]

Wither and whence came ye
Oh precious mineral?
Wherefore I ask have ye imbibed a fiery spume
in such a placid state of nature?
I pray you bear me in your steadfast passion.
For a matron fiend has pinioned me
in breast uplifted glory,
and as I gaze into the gullies of enameled pumice
My inner mansion crumbles by the nag
They're only rocks...

[ellajam]

Wither and whence came ye
Oh precious mineral?
Wherefore I ask have ye imbibed a fiery spume
in such a placid state of nature?
I pray you bear me in your steadfast passion.
For a matron fiend has pinioned me
in breast uplifted glory,
and as I gaze into the gullies of enameled pumice
My inner mansion crumbles by the nag
They're only rocks...

I enjoyed this, particularly:

Wherefore I ask have ye imbibed a fiery spume
in such a placid state of nature?

I'm finding enameled pumice a consistently odd and unpleasant image, I like it.

I am not the Taj Mahal,
a structure rife with adulation.
I'm no Italian frescoed wall,
just wood upon a stone foundation.
Still, when the angle is just right
and you ride by at perfect pace
I'll catch and throw you back the light
reflected by my rough-cut face.

Just rocks, humbug.

[Brownlie]

Wither and whence came ye
Oh precious mineral?
Wherefore I ask have ye imbibed a fiery spume
in such a placid state of nature?
I pray you bear me in your steadfast passion.
For a matron fiend has pinioned me
in breast uplifted glory,
and as I gaze into the gullies of enameled pumice
My inner mansion crumbles by the nag
They're only rocks...

I enjoyed this, particularly:

Wherefore I ask have ye imbibed a fiery spume
in such a placid state of nature?

I'm finding enameled pumice a consistently odd and unpleasant image, I like it.

I am not the Taj Mahal,
a structure rife with adulation.
I'm no Italian frescoed wall,
just wood upon a stone foundation.
Still, when the angle is just right
and you ride by at perfect pace
I'll catch and throw you back the light
reflected by my rough-cut face.

Just rocks, humbug.

Your poem humbles me (I think some people say umble, I'm not sure if that's new or not).

[Erthona]

"umble" That's an archaic, and provincial usage, used by Early American rural writers. Growing up I heard older people who were born in the later 1800's in the south use it often. More times than not related to the Humble gas stations, which later became Enco, and today is Exxon. Also used by older Southern Baptist preacher in southern states as well as certain televangelist, (see Jimmy Swaggert. The Loord Goddt has umbeled me. Said after being caught with a prostitute in a motel sex, er six, after having taken little Jimmy out of the pulpit, to stand erect and witness what she was doing.)

Yes, I enjoyed the "fiery spume" line.
The idea, material is good, just a little discombobulated, I'd take a clue from Marcella and use a singsong meter, but with rhyming couplets. It is difficult to present this kind of humor with free verse, and seems to work better with a ballad meter or common meter format.

ellajam-I-am L5-6 need some tightening

"When the angle is just right (4 accents, trochee)
you ride by in perfect pace (4 accentual)
I'll catch and throw you back the light (4 iambic)
reflected by my rough-cut face." (4 iambic)

Better I think. considering the movement of the meter I'd have to go with four foot accentual verse.

Merry Christmas,


dale

[ellajam]

"umble" That's an archaic, and provincial usage, used by Early American rural writers. Growing up I heard older people who were born in the later 1800's in the south use it often. More times than not related to the Humble gas stations, which later became Enco, and today is Exxon. Also used by older Southern Baptist preacher in southern states as well as certain televangelist, (see Jimmy Swaggert. The Loord Goddt has umbeled me. Said after being caught with a prostitute in a motel sex, er six, after having taken little Jimmy out of the pulpit, to stand erect and witness what she was doing.)  

Yes, I enjoyed the "fiery spume" line.
The idea, material is good, just a little discombobulated, I'd take a clue from Marcella and use a singsong meter, but with rhyming couplets. It is difficult to present this kind of humor with free verse, and seems to work better with a ballad meter or common meter format.  

ellajam-I-am L5-6 need some tightening

"When the angle is just right (4 accents, trochee)
you ride by in perfect pace (4 accentual)
I'll catch and throw you back the light (4 iambic)
reflected by my rough-cut face." (4 iambic)

Better I think. considering the movement of the meter I'd have to go with four foot accentual verse.

Merry Christmas,


dale

I am always urged to cut the word still, as if it is empty filler. I love still. I love the sound of the word, the calm acceptance of it, the pause it sometimes implies and the fact that it says "but yet" or "even though" so succinctly. In this poem it reads as a pivot point for me. If this was in a workshop I'm sure others would agree with you, but still, I think I'll keep it. Dejavu, I think I've used that line before.

[Erthona]

Ell,

I have no problem with the word "still" per se. As you state, I also think it is a tone setting word and I am not quick to suggests its removal for being inconsequential. I only suggested cutting it because of the effect on the rhythmic quality on the line, not because of any perceived redundancy. L6 is still off, but I couldn't figure a better way without doing some sort of weird syntactical oddity. Hey I like that 2001 A syntactical oddity. I feel a short story coming on.


Dale

[ellajam]

I'm sure there's a better way to fix it, I have to work harder to hear the problem.

Hey, Brownlie, sorry for the hijack, I can split it if it bothers you, but it's all in fun and anything that ends up with syntactical oddity couldn't be all bad.

[Brownlie]

I'm fine with the hijack. I find this discussion interesting.