Posts: 443
Threads: 99
Joined: Sep 2013
Original
Late
last night
a woman
was heard
screaming
at the thin
moon.
In
an alley
behind
a distant house,
a chained
dog strained
to join
her.
Edit #1
Late last evening, a woman
is heard screaming at a thin moon.
In an alley behind a distant house,
a chained dog strains to join her.
The woman is pregnant with ideas;
they kick like the unborn.
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(01-06-2015, 01:17 AM)71degrees Wrote: Late
last night
a woman
was heard
screaming
at the thin
moon.
In
an alley
behind
a distant house,
a chained
dog strained
to join
her.
Hi 71,
This may languish. Perhaps it should.
Thing is, linguine verse just doesn't seem to cut it anymore...you see, we all KNOW that this is just two Iines split up into silly blocks.
Crit?
Oh,
is that
all
t
h
e
r
e
is?
You can't fool me...want it transferred to Short form? Just say the word.
Best,
tectak
Posts: 845
Threads: 57
Joined: Aug 2013
Since you have had no takers on this one, I will say that I like the juxtaposition of the two images and the analogy/contrast you have set up. One wonders whether they both cry for their freedom or is it in anquish. This reader may need clues. The pun in the title iinteresting. I am still thinking about your 'thin moon' significance. I suppose that I was looking for a full moon to resonate with the title. I may be missing it. I shall stop back for a couple more reads and then perhaps have a more utilitarian critique. Cheers/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
Posts: 443
Threads: 99
Joined: Sep 2013
(01-09-2015, 07:29 AM)tectak Wrote: (01-06-2015, 01:17 AM)71degrees Wrote: Late
last night
a woman
was heard
screaming
at the thin
moon.
In
an alley
behind
a distant house,
a chained
dog strained
to join
her.
Hi 71,
This may languish. Perhaps it should.
Thing is, linguine verse just doesn't seem to cut it anymore...you see, we all KNOW that this is just two Iines split up into silly blocks.
Crit?
Oh,
is that
all
t
h
e
r
e
is?
You can't fool me...want it transferred to Short form? Just say the word.
Best,
tectak
Been reading Alice Walker. Only excuse I have
(01-09-2015, 07:29 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote: Since you have had no takers on this one, I will say that I like the juxtaposition of the two images and the analogy/contrast you have set up. One wonders whether they both cry for their freedom or is it in anquish. This reader may need clues. The pun in the title iinteresting. I am still thinking about your 'thin moon' significance. I suppose that I was looking for a full moon to resonate with the title. I may be missing it. I shall stop back for a couple more reads and then perhaps have a more utilitarian critique. Cheers/Chris
Okay. Thanks.
Posts: 19
Threads: 4
Joined: Jan 2015
(01-06-2015, 01:17 AM)71degrees Wrote: Late
last night
a woman
was heard
screaming
at the thin
moon.light
In
an alley
behind
a distant house,
a chained
dog strained
to join
her.
See bolded.. not much of a poem here. Not much of a crit either but that is all I got.
Posts: 443
Threads: 99
Joined: Sep 2013
(01-11-2015, 03:40 AM)Riverdaughter Wrote: (01-06-2015, 01:17 AM)71degrees Wrote: Late
last night
a woman
was heard
screaming
at the thin
moon.
In
an alley
behind
a distant house,
a chained
dog strained
to join
her.
I like this kind of poem. It's both a snapshot of a moment in time and a reaction to it. That said, I agree with the first critique that the structure is a little too self-conscious. It's trying too hard to be fancy poetry. Two simple, straightforward lines would be more effective.
Totally agree. Thanks.
(01-11-2015, 08:02 PM)somnium Wrote: (01-06-2015, 01:17 AM)71degrees Wrote: Late
last night
a woman
was heard
screaming
at the thin
moon.light
In
an alley
behind
a distant house,
a chained
dog strained
to join
her.
See bolded.. not much of a poem here. Not much of a crit either but that is all I got.
Thanks. As you might expect…not much of a response here, either
Posts: 12
Threads: 1
Joined: Nov 2014
A nice imagery. I really enjoy simple poems that paint clear pictures. It seems the style in which it was written tries to stretch two sentences in a longer poem which does not fool the reader. Of course we have to write the way we feel it come to us. So I would say this, would it come naturally to you in this form or in a more classical sentence form? I would enjoy more verses of this style to continue the poem
Cheers
Posts: 443
Threads: 99
Joined: Sep 2013
Original
Late
last night
a woman
was heard
screaming
at the thin
moon.
In
an alley
behind
a distant house,
a chained
dog strained
to join
her.
Edit #1
Late last evening, a woman
is heard screaming at a thin moon.
In an alley behind a distant house,
a chained dog strains to join her.
The woman is pregnant with unheard ideas;
they kick like the unborn.
Thanks to everyone for suggestions. Appreciate them all.
