Grapevine/ Change by Revelation

[Kubla Khan]

Since they're both pretty short I added two. I contrived both of these last night. Both throwaway poems. I have a hard time conveying a message and adhering to a rhyme scheme. Behold the lackluster.

Grapevine

Give no heed to the grapevine
Always ripe with meddlesome conceits,
Base fruits to dine,
And empty savors sweet.


Change by Revelation

Our old wonts do shift slow
Though their beaten paths often lead to woe.
Our assails to alter our wayward trails
By the same hand sink from the travails,
And so we our worn grooves follow, sans intention,
Lest we transcend our fetters in revelation.

[Brownlie]

Since they're both pretty short I added two. I contrived both of these last night. Both throwaway poems. I have a hard time conveying a message and adhering to a rhyme scheme. Behold the lackluster.

Grapevine

Give no heed to the grapevine
Always ripe with meddlesome conceits, --You use the word "conceits" which is good because you are actually dealing with a version of the word "grapevine"  which refers to a particular metaphysical conceit. As in "I heard it through the grapevine," for instance.
Base fruits to dine,
And empty savors sweet.


Change by Revelation

Our old wonts do shift slow
Though their beaten paths often lead to woe.
Our assails to alter our wayward trails
By the same hand sink from the travails,
And so we our worn grooves follow, sans intention, --- To me, the syntax is very out of place in this sort of line construction. Even though "our" may seem to fit the meter I think the meter can be kept in tact with a word that adds to the content and keeps a more ordinary syntax.
Lest we transcend our fetters in revelation.

In my opinion, this isn't so bad. However, the end rhymes do sound forced at times and the syntax and clarity would need some work.