What's the difference

[first_high_of_the_day]

Bright voices fall on deaf ears, as I rest my head in the shade. I can make any change in my head, but my life's still the same. What have I done, but just be who I am. I left home, just to find myself home once again. I've talked and I've talked, but I'm still where I am. Lets go around again, again, again.

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If you're having trouble hearing this in your head, I've created a recording:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B0mgSqw...dVUEk/view

[Erthona]

Bright voices fall on deaf ears(,) as I rest my head in the shade. comma out


I can make any change(s) in my head, but my life (is) still the same.


What have I done, but just be who I am. --> What have I done other than be who I am?  

I left home, just to find myself home once again.    clever wordplay.


I've talked and I've talked, but I'm still where I am. Lets go around again, again, again.
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There is not much poetical here; the writer makes little use of the standard tropes: just several dubious sentences strung together.  Adding "bright" to it, does not make it any less a cliche.
Is the implication intended that these voices falling on ears, are the ears in the head of the (I) who "rest my head in the shade"?

In general a poem that starts nowhere, goes nowhere and so ends up in the same place using a lot of words to get there. I think what you maybe wanted to say did not get conveyed, or maybe it was not clear in your mind. What it was I think you wanted to convey. The only mental change in the mind that has any effect is the decision to change ones behavior. Without behavioral change there is no change. So effectively, mental change equals to no change at all. Thus, I start here and end up here because all the action I took was mental change. Or maybe the speaker has not gotten to this point yet and is simply puzzled why all this thinking and talking has not yet lead to a change in outlook on life. I could see this having some appeal to the late teen/early 20's segment. A major failing is it tells and does not show or demonstrate. Telling is the least effective way of trying to communicate anything, but especially with poetry. It's like having a muscle car, but discarding everything except the steering wheel and then running down the road holding that wheel while making vroom, vroom sounds; both methods are equally as effective. A way to recognize this (telling) is if "I" or one of the other pronouns meaning "I" (my/me etc) pops up an unduly amount, especially at the beginning of sentences. "I did..." "I've been..." "I had..." "I" followed by an action verb, and so on. When one sees that, it can indicate the writer is telling and not showing.    

"Bright voices fall on deaf ears, as I rest my head in the shade. I can make any change in my head, but my life's still the same. What have I done, but just be who I am. I left home, just to find myself home once again. I've talked and I've talked, but I'm still where I am. Lets go around again, again, again."

12 incidences in only six sentences is fairly high. Look forward to the rewrite.

Welcome to the site,

Dale

[first_high_of_the_day]

Dale

The poem is written with a voice. It's written to be spoken. The editions that you suggested totally destroy the the flow of the piece.

"Bright voices fall on deaf ears as I rest my head in the shade. I can make any changes in my head, but my life is still the same. What have I done other than be who I am? I left home just to find myself home once again...."

vs

"Bright voices fall on deaf ears as I rest my head in the shade. I can make any change in my head, but my life's still the same. What have I done, but just be who I am. I left home just to find myself home once again...."

Can you hear the difference? It's quite dramatic. You see the comma in the first sentence is a cue for the reader to pause, and it matches the comma in the second sentence. "I can make" and "but my life's" also match. If you can't hear the words, then it would make sense that you think this is just a couple of random sentences.

"In general a poem that starts nowhere, goes nowhere and so ends up in the same place using a lot of words to get there."
Exactly! The poem matches the message.

Yeah, that first line is cliche. The point of "bright" is to contrast with resting my head in the shade. IE my thoughts do not match my actions. Clearly this was poorly communicated, and your response has made this clear to me.

"The only mental change in the mind that has any effect is the decision to change ones behavior."
This is a projection of your own philosophies. The speaker has clearly made changes, the point is that it doesn't really change who he is or where he is.

"There is not much poetical here; the writer makes little use of the standard tropes: just several dubious sentences strung together."
A poem isn't a poem just because it copies what other people have done before. I honestly think the only reason you said this is because you can't hear the piece.

I am definitely trying to get better at show don't tell.

What I really want to know is what you think of the last line.

Thank you for your feedback. It's been awesome and educational to put myself in your shoes!

[Erthona]

The last line conveyed to me that the speaker had not yet figured it out and was up for another round of talking about it, not realizing that it would not effect any change in himself or his worldview. The repetition implied this was said sarcastically, which would seem to be in opposition to the description that has been stated for the speaker, so I can only assume it is imposed by the writer to acknowledge that he does not view the speaker with complete seriousness. In general I am opposed to repetition as it is so...well... repetitious. In this case however, it adequately describes the derision of the writer, if this is his actual intent. This is how I initially perceived it or otherwise I would have said something about the repetition. I find it a clever use of breaking the forth wall.

Something to consider. Oftentimes we unconsciously impose upon a poem certain aspects such as a rhythmic quality that is not there (I have been guilty of this many times myself). I am not saying you should take what I said as the be all, but I would suggest not discarding such things out of hand in favor of your own reading, as you like all writers, will tend to have a bias towards their own work. One final thing (I promise). Just because this is poetry, one is not relieved of the need to follow the same rules that any other form of writing must follow. One must learn to make a poem more rhythmically appealing within that structure, not use it as a reason to ignore the rules of grammar and punctuation.

Best,

 
Dale

[first_high_of_the_day]

The last line conveyed to me that the speaker had not yet figured it out and was up for another round of talking about it, not realizing that it would not effect any change in himself or his worldview. The repetition implied this was said sarcastically, which would seem to be in opposition to the description that has been stated for the speaker, so I can only assume it is imposed by the writer to acknowledge that he does not view the speaker with complete seriousness. In general I am opposed to repetition as it is so...well... repetitious. In this case however, it adequately describes the derision of the writer, if this is his actual intent. This is how I initially perceived it or otherwise I would have said something about the repetition. I find it a clever use of breaking the forth wall.
Something to consider. Oftentimes we unconsciously impose upon a poem certain aspects such as a rhythmic quality that is not there (I have been guilty of this many times myself). I am not saying you should take what I said as the be all, but I would suggest not discarding such things out of hand in favor of your own reading, as you like all writers, will tend to have a bias towards their own work. One final thing (I promise). Just because this is poetry, one is not relieved of the need to follow the same rules that any other form of writing must follow. One must learn to make a poem more rhythmically appealing within that structure, not use it as a reason to ignore the rules of grammar and punctuation.
Best,
 
Dale

Thank you for your feedback Dale. I appreciate the time you've taken to try to make me a better writer. I assure you that your bright voice does not fall on deaf ears. XD Sorry. I couldn't help myself.

Have an awesome day and thanks again!