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Threads: 22
Joined: Dec 2014
I loved you,
but not really.
I loved you
Like a blind man loves light,
attached to the misunderstood idea.
Because he does not know that light can be horrible-
flashing, red
blue
white
red
as you wait up for a child or a lover,
light can be under a bathroom door after a meal, the color of worry,
or light can be flashing off a blade in your hand, the sharp white of desperation.
I loved you
as you deserved,
wary of the hurt you would cause.
Sometimes I feel like writing poetry and sometimes I watch Netflix. No judging.
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
These aren't really meant to be suggestion, just some thoughts that might help stir some ideas.
Dale
____________________________________________________________________________________________
The first two lines should be dropped as they do nothing for the poem and in fact distract from it. Start clean with:
I loved you
like a blind man loves light.
(drop the next line, trust your reader to figure that out)
He doesn't know light can be (terrible)horrible, flashing:
-blue-
-red-
-white-
as you wait to see if it is a child or a lover.
It can be the light under the bathroom door,
the sharp white of desperation,
the anxious color of worry,
or the flashing of the blade in your hand.
I loved you to the extent I could,
knowing all the hurt you would cause.
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 33
Threads: 6
Joined: Feb 2015
(04-26-2015, 10:39 AM)i.might.be.a.bit.sad Wrote: I loved you,
but not really.
I loved you
Like a blind man loves light,
attached to the misunderstood idea.
Because he does not know that light can be horrible-
flashing, red
blue
white
red
as you wait up for a child or a lover,
light can be under a bathroom door after a meal, the color of worry,
or light can be flashing off a blade in your hand, the sharp white of desperation.
I loved you
as you deserved,
wary of the hurt you would cause.
I think you have a really good idea going with the blind person and light metaphor. Unfortunately, i think the true meaning of the poem, being love, or why person A couldnt love person B, is totally lost. I was left with no understanding of the poems title, and i wasnt left with any real insights about love. The images and metaphor surrounding light are good, but the last stanza and the second seem to be speaking of completely different things. In the beginning you write that person A loved person B like a blind man loves light, misunderstood and all, and then you say person A loved warily. And the first two lines say person A didnt really love person B all that much, which is again different from the other two statements. The line breaks are kind of just there in some cases, and could use some work. Also, punctuation. I am guilty of this often. Be sure to read your poem with no line breaks, and see if it makes any grammatical sense as far as punctuation goes.
Just my opinion
(04-26-2015, 10:39 AM)i.might.be.a.bit.sad Wrote: I loved you,
but not really.
I loved you
Like a blind man loves light,
attached to the misunderstood idea.
Because he does not know that light can be horrible-
flashing, red
blue
white
red
as you wait up for a child or a lover,
light can be under a bathroom door after a meal, the color of worry,
or light can be flashing off a blade in your hand, the sharp white of desperation.
I loved you
as you deserved,
wary of the hurt you would cause.
I feel there is a disconnect between the last stanza and the first...the first, suggesting that the narrator loves someone in an almost idealistic way, and the last speaking of being wary of that love. However, at the same time, I like get it, that sometimes loves is idealized because we are wary of it...like, a blind man may think of light as being one of the most pure, amazing things they haven't had a chance to experience, but also be terrified at the idea of seeing it. This is weakened by the middle section, where the narrator talks about the blind not knowing that light can be horrible...perhaps you could play with the concept of unknown and abstract understanding of horribleness? I think you have an opportunity to incorporate an idea like this into the poem should you choose.
That said, I like the way you ordered the lines in the poem, because they give a sense of direction to the way the words are read.
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