05-09-2015, 12:49 PM
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something
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05-10-2015, 12:32 AM
(05-08-2015, 04:23 AM)entwife Wrote: something dark floated just beneath the surface This is two archetypal (or, to some, cliched) symbols, "something dark" and "floated just beneath the surface", mashed together into one straight line, without any plays in form (as in, neat line breaks or spelling errors to be analyzed), and without a context being built on (that is, it's just symbols that don't symbolize anything, even implicitly; it's half of what a poem generally is. The title doesn't help, either). This line may have a point, but without any novelties in style (sure, one could argue that the whole emptiness of the poem says something, but that's just too much), or developments in association, the point comes off as too obscure or general to be relevant. Well, at least that's how I read this. tldr, eh?
05-15-2015, 01:39 AM
EW
Sorry, I did not intend for this critique to be this long, but I felt the explanation was necessary for the critique to be valid. However, as I have not been able to come up with anything that would benefit the poem, you may wish to by-pass the critique entirely.
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
oops
is it a chocolate log? while it has some sinister it doesn't for me have enough context. shark is the obvious object which is [unless a lifeguard says it on bondi beach] pretty mundane. and yes it does have ambiguity and it could be about a mental or other condition but as it is, the shark thing screams out at me "leave the water now"
05-15-2015, 11:06 AM
The title should be 'Nothing'.
05-15-2015, 11:16 AM
i think it should be
"it's not mine" |
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