Never Rest

[Erthona]

Never Rest
 
As Shiva shakes
the greatest
of mountains today
I wonder where
is srijantje?
 
Is he still with us
is he still there
up on his mountain
breathing the gods' air?
 
Erthona
 
©2015

[RiverNotch]

I think maybe the sixth line would work better as a sentence all its own? Those first lines could be shortened, I think -- I don't really see how separating "greatest" and "mountains" works there. "As Shiva shakes / the greatest mountains / today, I wonder / where is srijantje?" And I think commas for the seventh and eighth lines are in order, perhaps as a sort of clearer division between those three levels of, er, existence (as in the tangible nature of thereness, the height, then the divine -- but that's too much).

and though i know what a srijantje is, i wonder what the name could suggest to someone who doesn't....

oh, and finally, the gods are usually much taller than mountains, at least in my vision. the gods' farts might be a more, er, appropriate image. (hehe)

EDIT: as in, i know that he's a he. (or a she -- that, I don't exactly know)

[tectak]

I think maybe the sixth line would work better as a sentence all its own? Those first lines could be shortened, I think -- I don't really see how separating "greatest" and "mountains" works there. "As Shiva shakes / the greatest mountains / today, I wonder / where is srijantje?" And I think commas for the seventh and eighth lines are in order, perhaps as a sort of clearer division between those three levels of, er, existence (as in the tangible nature of thereness, the height, then the divine -- but that's too much).

and though i know what a srijantje is, i wonder what the name could suggest to someone who doesn't....

oh, and finally, the gods are usually much taller than mountains, at least in my vision. the gods' farts might be a more, er, appropriate image. (hehe)

I have no idea what "A" srijantje is...but the piece needs a few judicious commas, a sprinkling of question marks and a testimonial confirming that there is no cross-fertilisation of imagery betwixt Nepal and napalm.
Best,
tectak

[Erthona]

Oh you do too Tom, he is our resident Sherpa from Nepal and I gave up testimonials after I saw the Wizard of OZ, the original, in the movie theatre, when it first came out.

dale
____________________________________________________
RN,

"and though i know what a srijantje is, i wonder what the name could suggest to someone who doesn't...."

Ah, well this was mainly meant for in house. I mostly wrote it because I was concerned about srijantje, he does work in that area. I will examine your other suggestions when I have more of my brain working. Thanks for taking the time to comment.


Dale

[srijantje]

thanks for the wonderful poem,I'm actually west of nepal,didn't notice a thing here,although a number of my friends in kathmandu were affected,one is still missing in langtang.

[Tiger the Lion]

Well written short Dale. No question of its purpose. Best to you srijantje.
Paul

[tectak]

Oh you do too Tom, he is our resident Sherpa from Nepal and I gave up testimonials  after I saw the Wizard of OZ, the original, in the movie theatre, when it first came out.

dale
____________________________________________________
RN,

"and though i know what a srijantje is, i wonder what the name could suggest to someone who doesn't...."

Ah, well this was mainly meant for in house. I mostly wrote it because I was concerned about srijantje, he does work in that area.  I will examine your other suggestions when I have more of my brain working. Thanks for taking the time to comment.


Dale

...oh, I do....but "A" srijantje?
...and yes,sentiments repeated.
The napalm comment? http://www.rantcentralforums.com/User-srijantje
Best,
tectak

[Erthona]

There is no "A" so what dost thou mumblings portend? Well it's good to hear he is still with us. Thanks Tom.

[tectak]

There is no "A" so what dost thou mumblings portend? Well it's good to hear he is still with us. Thanks Tom.

There is an "a" in rivernotches response which I believe you commented on. He knows what "a srijantje" is. I do not.
And yes. It is good. Now we need to know if billy is overcome with smoke from the rubber goods fire in Manila.
Best,
Tom

[srijantje]

there is a haiku in here somewhere.......

[Tiger the Lion]

Dale, this poem inspired my inferior piece I posted called At Altitude. It keeps working for me. Simple and strong. I've read it over and over.
Paul