The Passionate Man

[Erthona]

The Passionate Man*
 
How cruel it is to render
a passionate man impotent,
so that all he does is sit in his room
staring with dulled eyes.
 
Having lived life like a god,
only to have the god desert him;
the energy that once coursed through his body
is now the heaviness of lead instead.
He would weep in self-pity
except he knows the truth of it.
Pity the once passionate man,
for he was blessed and now has fallen.
Hell in life is no different from hell in death,
except in life you are still expected to act…fine.
 
Erthona
 
©2015
 
 
Note bene:
 
*I use man in the generic sense so that it represents both genders. It has been my experience that woman can be just as passionate and just as foolish as men.

[Wjames]

Yes, how often do depressed (or, once passionate) people respond "fine", when asked how their day went, or how they're feeling?

I liked the transition from god to hell in the second stanza as well.

[Erthona]

When do they not?

Dale

[tectak]

The Passionate Man*
 
How cruel it is to render
a passionate man impotent,
so that all he does is sit in his room
staring with dulled eyes.
 
Having lived life like a god, "a" god
only to have the god desert him; so "that" god
the energy that once coursed through his body
is now the heaviness of lead instead. "now" makes "instead" redundant. Comparison is off, here. Energy unfavourably compared to heaviness? Hmmm. E=½Mv²
He would weep in self-pity
except he knows the truth of it....or because he knows the truth of it?
Pity the once passionate man,
for he was blessed and now has fallen.
Hell in life is no different from hell in death,
except in life you are still expected to act…fine. Ahhh...commitment verse and I like it
 
Erthona
 [b] Hi dale,
Trite for you. Point made but not quite taken. I think it is the conflict between the god early on and God later...though as a comment on the assumption of God when death approaches it probably stands. That, though, is my thinking, not yours.
Best,
was glad to see your back (old ones are best)
tetak
©2015
 
 
Note bene:
 
*I use man in the generic sense so that it represents both genders. It has been my experience that woman can be just as passionate and just as foolish as men.

[Erthona]

Actually Tom, and maybe you could help me make this more explicit. The first "god" refers to the passionate man as being like a god due to what he is able to manifest by being a passionate man (being inspired), when the "god" leaves him (the god of inspiration) it is as though he is no longer living, at least compared to how he was. Psychologically, he goes from being full of life to being depressed. He cannot allow himself, self-pity, as he is now just experiencing life as others do. He also understands that what he got was a gift and it would be stupid to instead of being grateful for having the gift, cry like a spoiled child because it has been taken away. It is this interesting idea that once one knows what is paradise is, he can no longer be satisfied with regular life. There are some other things, but that is what should come across at the first level. Oh and, this is actually a new piece, just wrote it a few days ago. I probably should have put this into workshop, but I didn't really think it was worth other people's time. So if you could make recommendations how to make it more explicit.

Thanks,

Dale
Risky, dale, very risky.
For me the hinge was freed by the adoption of "that god" as against "a god" but since you are insistent upon the more life-changing (by progression not inspiration) insinuation I am more inclined to change "that god" to "his God".
Once you introduce the god word into an axiomatic dissertation you will find that locks freeze and pivots seize, depending entirely upon the appreciation of the reader. This can be fucking annoying to the writer who would seek to benignly impose views by words used with intent...only to find that interpretation is independent of erudite writing and more upon dogma.
So, get your  "my god", "my God", " the god", "the God", "a god", "a God", "that god", "that God" sorted out to suit your intent and let the buggers argue with your meaning.
Best,
tectak

[tectak]

Actually Tom, and maybe you could help me make this more explicit. The first "god" refers to the passionate man as being like a god due to what he is able to manifest by being a passionate man (being inspired), when the "god" leaves him (the god of inspiration) it is as though he is no longer living, at least compared to how he was. Psychologically, he goes from being full of life to being depressed. He cannot allow himself, self-pity, as he is now just experiencing life as others do. He also understands that what he got was a gift and it would be stupid to instead of being grateful for having the gift, cry like a spoiled child because it has been taken away. It is this interesting idea that once one knows what is paradise is, he can no longer be satisfied with regular life. There are some other things, but that is what should come across at the first level. Oh and, this is actually a new piece, just wrote it a few days ago. I probably should have put this into workshop, but I didn't really think it was worth other people's time. So if you could make recommendations how to make it more explicit.

Thanks,

Dale
Risky, dale, very risky.
For me the hinge was freed by the adoption of "that god" as against "a god" but since you are insistent upon the more life-changing (by progression not inspiration) insinuation I am more inclined to change "that god" to "his God".
Once you introduce the god word into an axiomatic dissertation you will find that locks freeze and pivots seize, depending entirely upon the appreciation of the reader. This can be fucking annoying to the writer who would seek to benignly impose views by words used with intent...only to find that interpretation is independent of erudite writing and more upon dogma.
So, get your  "my god", "my God", " the god", "the God", "a god", "a God", "that god", "that God" sorted out to suit your intent and let the buggers argue with your meaning.
Best,
tectak

[Erthona]

Tom,

So in other words, you think it is clear as mud is likely to get?

"...so if I am aware of others bias, am I condemned to accommodate that in my writing? I think not. What is the point of being a poet if you are going to buttress the falseness you are attempting to dispel? I am guilty of many things, but shooting myself in the foot is not one of them."

Dale

[tectak]

Tom,

So in other words, you think it is clear as mud is likely to get?

"...so if I am aware of others bias, am I condemned to accommodate that in my writing? I think not. What is the point of being a poet if you are going to buttress the falseness you are attempting to dispel? I am guilty of many things, but shooting myself in the foot is not one of them."

Dale

Exactly but opposite
tectak

[poppoetry]

A great poem, the sense of loss is very powerful in the words, may I suggest the following changes, the title maybe A ONCE PASSIONATE MAN., other changes are just suggestions and would be more my style than yours so doesn't necessarily make it better just a different slant.

thanks

poppoetry

A once Passionate Man*
 
How cruel it is to render[s][/s]
a once passionate man nowimpotent,
so that all he does is sits in his room
staring with dulled eyes.
 
Having lived life like a god,
only to have the god desert him;
the energy that once coursed through his body
is now the heaviness of lead instead.
He would weep in self-pity
except he knows the truth of it.
Pity the once passionate man,
for he was blessed and now has fallen.
Hell in life is no different from hell in death,
except in life you are still expected to act…
I'm just fine.
 
Erthona
 
©2015
 
 
Note bene:
 
*I use man in the generic sense so that it represents both genders. It has been my experience that woman can be just as passionate and just as foolish as men.

[RiverNotch]

The Passionate Man*
 
How cruel it is to render
a passionate man impotent,
so that all he does is sit in his room
staring with dulled eyes.
 
Having lived life like a god,
only to have the god desert him; just God, perhaps? the god feels like it's referring to someone, but without the sharp turn just God I think presents.
the energy that once coursed through his body "energy" doesn't sound energetic enough. too cold and heavy and sciencey
is now the heaviness of lead instead.
He would weep in self-pity 
except he knows the truth of it. i don't exactly get these two lines -- would not knowing the truth of it only make one want to weep the more? and, on your other note, i would think that regular people have a lot of self-pity, too, otherwise poetry and pop songs and whatever won't have so many hits on "regret"....
Pity the once passionate man, hiss! we currently passionate men have no time for pity!
for he was blessed and now has fallen. 
Hell in life is no different from hell in death,
except in life you are still expected to act…fine.  nice last two lines, though the ellipsis feels a bit out of place. the diction in general sounds, to my admittedly inexperienced ears, too formal, and the images used too, er, medieval (god, lead being the product of a transmutation, hell) for that somehow modern addition. no ellipsis would be just....fine.
 
Erthona
 
©2015
 
 
Note bene:
 
*I use man in the generic sense so that it represents both genders. It has been my experience that woman can be just as passionate and just as foolish as men. 

[Lizzie]

The Passionate Man*
 
How cruel it is to render
a passionate man impotent,
so that all he does is sit in his room
staring with dulled eyes.
 
Having lived life like a god,
only to have the god desert him;
the energy that once coursed through his body
is now the heaviness of lead instead. -- you could choose a more evocative word than 'is.'
He would weep in self-pity
except he knows the truth of it.
Pity the once passionate man,
for he was blessed and now has fallen.
Hell in life is no different from hell in death,
except in life you are still expected to act…fine.
 
Erthona
 
©2015
 
 
Note bene:
 
*I use man in the generic sense so that it represents both genders. It has been my experience that woman can be just as passionate and just as foolish as men.

Hi Dale. I don't know if you're still working on this one, but I wanted to praise it and offer a couple thoughts. Minor though they may be.

The last two lines are hard hitting -- gives me that feeling that I've witnessed truth, like when a preacher's words resonate.

I don't like 'the' before god, but I do see that you're trying to allow for the idea that all gods are personal. Yet, aren't even personal gods felt to be the ultimate god, to the individual? Probably neither here nor there.

I don't think it's a bad thing for it to be specifically addressing men -- I think you should be able to write for whoever you want. And 'impotent' probably wouldn't work so well for women anyway.

Anyway, well done.

[Erthona]

I was think of the Greek god when I wrote this and there were female gads as well as male gods. I never meant it to reference a cultural singular "God", such as the Abrahamic God. I do think women feel impotence, we just call it despair. What is true is there are time I can't seem to resist biting the wolf on the nose, so critique duly noted

Thanks for taking the time to comment,


dale

[vagabond]

Hello Dale!
concerning the previous reply:  not sure if impotence equals despair.
concerning your poem: i think the opposite of passion is indifference.




The Passionate Man*
 
How cruel it is to render                                              
a passionate man impotent,
so that all he does is sit in his room
staring with dulled eyes.
 
Having lived life like a god,
only to have the god desert him;                              remember: better to have loved and lost than not have loved at all.
the energy that once coursed through his body
is now the heaviness of lead instead.
He would weep in self-pity
except he knows the truth of it.
Pity the once passionate man,
for he was blessed and now has fallen.                        i don´t understand how that line can follow the denial of self-pity
Hell in life is no different from hell in death,                         
except in life you are still expected to act…fine.                          one does no act in death at all.

[nibbed]

It's too hammy.
Sorry...I like ham,
but sometimes
I can't agree
how it's served.


all the best

janine

[ellajam]

I love this one. The struggle of the mind and emotions to reconcile with what the body will no longer do is a struggle anyone who lives long enough to decline faces. I aggressively gardened the last few weekends. remembering how I enjoyed every glimpse of plant. soil, insect 20 years ago and now I just couldn't wait to be done with it. Losing sex is that x 1000, maybe second only to actually dementia, although that may be easier, I don't know. Love the last line, an invisible disability is a rough road. I'd love for the N to take the next step and remember that sex is in the mind as much as body but that's another poem.

The Passionate Man*
 
How cruel it is to render
a passionate man impotent,
so that all he does is sit in his room
staring with dulled eyes.
 
Having lived life like a god,
only to have the god desert him;
the energy that once coursed through his body
is now the heaviness of lead instead.
He would weep in self-pity
except he knows the truth of it.
Pity the once passionate man,
for he was blessed and now has fallen.
Hell in life is no different from hell in death,
except in life you are still expected to act…fine.
 
Erthona
 
©2015
 
 
Note bene:
 
*I use man in the generic sense so that it represents both genders. It has been my experience that woman can be just as passionate and just as foolish as men.