Pensive Glance

[Julius]

Pensive Glance ( 1st Edit)

You ask why I so often look at you 
now that old age has robbed us of our youth.
I say it's simply something that I do
for pleasure, dear, and that is honest truth.
Your eyes, as bright as they have ever been,
still indicate to me the way you feel.
They tell me nothing ever came between
the two of us, and love itself is real.
Your lips, forever ready with a smile,
I know will always welcome with a kiss;
an honest grin without a hint of guile,
reminder of our early nights of bliss.
But now, my love, I see you look my way;
and so I wait to hear what you might say.


Pensive Glance

You ask why do I often look at you
now that old age has robbed us of our youth.
I say its simply something that I do
for pleasure dear, and that is simple truth.
Your eyes, as bright as they have ever been,
still indicate to me the way you feel.
They tell me nothing ever came between
the two of us, and love itself is real.
Your lips, so ever ready with a smile,
I know will always welcome with a kiss,
an honest grin without a hint of guile,
reminder of our early nights of bliss.
I know we’re old and years must have their way.
Still in your face, a glimpse of yesterday.

[LukeSizemore]

Pensive Glance

You ask why do I often look at you
now that old age has robbed us of our youth.
I say its simply something that I do
for pleasure dear, and that is simple truth.
Your eyes, as bright as they have ever been,
still indicate to me the way you feel.
They tell me nothing ever came between
the two of us, and love itself is real.
Your lips, so ever ready with a smile,
I know will always welcome with a kiss,
an honest grin without a hint of guile,
reminder of our early nights of bliss.
I know we’re old and years must have their way.
Still in your face, a glimpse of yesterday.

Disclaimer: Im a newb to poetry too, so take with a grain of salt. I really like your last line. But I feel that you could do what someone else told me to do, eliminate some words. I was told that poetry is about making each and every word powerful and meaningful, so that means cutting down on anything that isn't absolutely essential to the message. That's just my humble, inexperienced opinion. otherwise, I like the message!

[ellajam]

Pretty smooth read and sweet sentiment. When you're ready you might want to consider working with less common rhymes, you/do? Some notes below.

Pensive Glance

You ask why do I often look at you A bit awkward, possibly "You ask why I so often look at you"
now that old age has robbed us of our youth.
I say its simply something that I do
for pleasure dear, and that is simple truth. possibly comma after pleasure.
Your eyes, as bright as they have ever been,
still indicate to me the way you feel.
They tell me nothing ever came between
the two of us, and love itself is real.
Your lips, so ever ready with a smile,
I know will always welcome with a kiss, Possibly "greet me' instead of "welcome".
an honest grin without a hint of guile,
reminder of our early nights of bliss.
I know we’re old and years must have their way.
Still in your face, a glimpse of yesterday.

[Keith]

As the poem stands it has a solid sentiment, and one that's easy to relate to, but there needs to be some freshness iced on top of the lines maybe a metaphor or simile to take the reader to a deeper place. I hope that makes sense and is of some help. Best Keith

[RiverNotch]

Sweet sentiment, but a bit bland, especially at lines 3, 6, and 13 -- eh, sweet is sweet. A few thoughts -- well, less thoughts and more edits, really.

You ask why do I often look at you Agree with ella. "You ask why I so often look at you" is better.
now that old age has robbed us of our youth.
I say its simply something that I do it's, not its
for pleasure dear, and that is simple truth. I keep reading the dear as the subject, so comma before dear.
Your eyes, as bright as they have ever been,
still indicate to me the way you feel.
They tell me nothing ever came between
the two of us, and love itself is real. Comma here may be unnecessary. 
Your lips, so ever ready with a smile, instead of "so", may be "for"? "...so ever" sounds a bit too cheesy for this cake.
I know will always welcome with a kiss, I keep thinking instead of comma some other punctuation mark here, like a colon or something -- maybe not. But I do prefer "welcome", because it has more weight.
an honest grin without a hint of guile,
reminder of our early nights of bliss.
I know we’re old and years must have their way.
Still in your face, a glimpse of yesterday.

[Julius]

Thank you all for showing such interest in my poem. Some people have not realised that this is an attempt at a sonnet so suggestions concerning line or poem length etc. would "buckle the framework" that I have used.
The people who have realised that it is an attempt to write a sonnet have made some valid and useful points and, although the changes might seem minor, I have to agree that a rewrite is something I should do to tidy it up.
I accept, apart from the sonnet framework, it can be considered lacking in some other poetic aspects. It is, in its own way, a plain and sincere reply to a question asked at breakfast. I think, under the circumstances, I shall leave the final version much the same in concept.

[ellajam]

Thank you all for showing such interest in my poem. Some people have not realised that this is an attempt at a sonnet so suggestions concerning line or poem length etc. would "buckle the framework" that I have used.
The people who have realised that it is an attempt to write a sonnet have made some valid and useful points and, although the changes might seem minor, I have to agree that a rewrite is something I should do to tidy it up.
I accept, apart from the sonnet framework, it can be considered lacking in some other poetic aspects. It is, in its own way, a plain and sincere reply to a question asked at breakfast. I think, under the circumstances, I shall leave the final version much the same in concept.  

Hi Julius, one of the fun challenges of writing a sonnet is working within that framework and not caving to what is easy in meter and rhyme and making it the best poem it could possibly be. So for me, even suggestions that don't suit the form can be considered in hopes of improving content.

But for me, I don't see a clear volta, a turn from one view to another. What an I missing?

[Julius]

Thank you all for showing such interest in my poem. Some people have not realised that this is an attempt at a sonnet so suggestions concerning line or poem length etc. would "buckle the framework" that I have used.
The people who have realised that it is an attempt to write a sonnet have made some valid and useful points and, although the changes might seem minor, I have to agree that a rewrite is something I should do to tidy it up.
I accept, apart from the sonnet framework, it can be considered lacking in some other poetic aspects. It is, in its own way, a plain and sincere reply to a question asked at breakfast. I think, under the circumstances, I shall leave the final version much the same in concept.  

Hi Julius, one of the fun challenges of writing a sonnet is working within that framework and not caving to what is easy in meter and rhyme and making it the best poem it could possibly be. So for me, even suggestions that don't suit the form can be considered in hopes of improving content.

But for me, I don't see a clear volta, a turn from one view to another. What an I missing?

I think the volta is there, but subtle. Up to the couplet the poem is in the present day and about "You". In the couplet thoughts turn to the past and those thoughts are those of "I".
That was the idea, but perhaps it is not definite enough?

Perhaps something more like:-
I feel my age and how years slid away
Yet in your face a trace of yesterday

[ellajam]

Thank you all for showing such interest in my poem. Some people have not realised that this is an attempt at a sonnet so suggestions concerning line or poem length etc. would "buckle the framework" that I have used.
The people who have realised that it is an attempt to write a sonnet have made some valid and useful points and, although the changes might seem minor, I have to agree that a rewrite is something I should do to tidy it up.
I accept, apart from the sonnet framework, it can be considered lacking in some other poetic aspects. It is, in its own way, a plain and sincere reply to a question asked at breakfast. I think, under the circumstances, I shall leave the final version much the same in concept.  

Hi Julius, one of the fun challenges of writing a sonnet is working within that framework and not caving to what is easy in meter and rhyme and making it the best poem it could possibly be. So for me, even suggestions that don't suit the form can be considered in hopes of improving content.

But for me, I don't see a clear volta, a turn from one view to another. What an I missing?

I think the volta is there, but subtle. Up to the couplet the poem is in the present day and about "You". In the couplet thoughts turn to the past and those thoughts are those of "I".
That was the idea, but perhaps it is not definite enough?

Perhaps something more like:-
I feel my age and how years slid away
Yet in your face a trace of yesterday

Because you've mentioned age in the opening lines it seemed more like bookends to me.

And someone once told me that if the volta's left until the couplet it needs to be really strong, a real kicker. I've grown to agree.  

Honestly, to your Narrator that aging face is full of all the passion she started with, I don't get how the couplet sees only a trace. I think if you dig deeper you could come up with something better.

[Julius]

Hi Julius, one of the fun challenges of writing a sonnet is working within that framework and not caving to what is easy in meter and rhyme and making it the best poem it could possibly be. So for me, even suggestions that don't suit the form can be considered in hopes of improving content.

But for me, I don't see a clear volta, a turn from one view to another. What an I missing?

I think the volta is there, but subtle. Up to the couplet the poem is in the present day and about "You". In the couplet thoughts turn to the past and those thoughts are those of "I".
That was the idea, but perhaps it is not definite enough?

Perhaps something more like:-
I feel my age and how years slid away
Yet in your face a trace of yesterday

Because you've mentioned age in the opening lines it seemed more like bookends to me.

And someone once told me that if the volta's left until the couplet it needs to be really strong, a real kicker. I've grown to agree.  

Honestly, to your Narrator that aging face is full of all the passion she started with, I don't get how the couplet sees only a trace. I think if you dig deeper you could come up with something better.

I just know you are right
I always find the couplet the hardest part of a sonnet. When I do my edit I'll see what I can come up with. I must admit that I have, on occasion, abandoned the couplet and finished with a final four line stanza and thus turned the whole thing into a four stanza poem. It is especially tempting when the first 12 lines would neatly break into stanzas (as in this case).
I'll give it some thought and see what transpires. Hopefully it will still end up being a sonnet.

[Julius]

Thank you all for reading and the advice given to me. I have used most of it in my edit and provided a stronger volta in the final couplet. I am a bit doubtful about that last couplet

[ellajam]

Nice job on the edit!  a few typos: forever and a double see in the couplet.

I love the tone of the couplet although I think it would improve if you got rid of one "now". Good work.

[Jeremiahcp]

Pensive Glance ( 1st Edit)

You ask why I so often look at you 
now that old age has robbed us of our youth.
I say it's simply something that I do
for pleasure, dear, and that is simple truth.
Your eyes, as bright as they have ever been,
still indicate to me the way you feel.
They tell me nothing ever came between
the two of us, and love itself is real.
Your lips, for ever ready with a smile,
I know will always welcome with a kiss;
an honest grin without a hint of guile,
reminder of our early nights of bliss.
But now, my love, I see see you look my way;
so now I wait to hear what you might say!


Pensive Glance

You ask why do I often look at you
now that old age has robbed us of our youth.
I say its simply something that I do
for pleasure dear, and that is simple truth.
Your eyes, as bright as they have ever been,
still indicate to me the way you feel.
They tell me nothing ever came between
the two of us, and love itself is real.
Your lips, so ever ready with a smile,
I know will always welcome with a kiss,
an honest grin without a hint of guile,
reminder of our early nights of bliss.
I know we’re old and years must have their way.
Still in your face, a glimpse of yesterday.

I like the intro, as it is smooth and inviting, and I like the intent of the poem. However, to be honest, it is a love poem and there are as many love poems as there are poems about death. Unless you can make a love poem unique they tend to sound overplayed  You talk about her bright eyes, lips that smile (lips and eyes always a major target of love poems) and her integrity to the love. There is nothing in the poem that actually tells me why she is so special. What is that unique characteristic that makes her her? I know the poem is about this glance, but she is the actual target of the poem, and I want to see more of her.


A few things:


The entire poem has this very gentle flow to it, then you end the poem with an exclamation mark. You have to be careful with exclamation marks, as they carry a lot of energy. Personally I would drop it, as it does not seem to fit the rest of the poem.


In the second sentence (line 3 and 4) you have the word simple twice. Yes there is some separation between the two, and they are on different lines, however they are in the same sentence, and their redundancy is a bit distracting to the flow of the poem.


On the 13th line (2nd to last line) you have the word see twice.   

My main criticism is the focus of the poem. Use the glance as a vehicle for the poem, but make sure the spotlight is fully on her. Instead of just saying for pleasure describe that pleasure for us. You look at her, you see something, and there is a reaction to what you see, and I feel we are missing that here. Help us to understand why she is so special. I know expressing someone you love in words is a tall order, and it can never really be done, but the attempt is what will turn just another love poem into something special.

---

I dug through my old printouts of Writer's Almanac poems, as I thought this poem reflected some of the same sentiment I felt you may be going for.

I don't know the rules for posting other writer's poems on the website, so I'll just provide the podcast link for the text.

"Remodeling the Bathroom", by Ellen Bass

http://writersalmanac.publicradio.org/in...2008/12/07

[RiverNotch]

Brief return: I still feel that line 3, with its generally disposable feeling, and line 6, with the word "indicate", 1.5 feet, dominating the line, as being a bit bland, but at this point they're perfectly excusable. By replacing "so" for "for", I did mean turning it into a plain "forever", which means the same, only is spelled, well, modernly. Otherwise, I love this poem twice now because of the brand new volta, which more than makes up for what for me is a general air of plainness, something you really only overcome with time (or cocaine). I agree with ella on the "now", though, but that should be easy enough.

[Julius]

Thank you Ellajam for pointing out the typos which I have corrected - now I must think about the "now"s
Thank you Jerimah and RiverNotch for your interest and suggestions. I shall take some time to consider them, it rather looks that there are still a few finishing touches that might be applied, although I have already removed the exclamation mark

[billy]

there's a lot of cliche burying what could be a decent sonnet.

[Julius]

Thank you all for your comments.

I have replaced one “now” and one “simple” with “honest”

What probably doesn't come across clearly is that this is about an elderly couple who have lived together many years. (although old age is mentioned). The “pleasure” is therefore a diffuse feeling providing  a warm glow triggered by memories of a lifetime.

I would admit to a certain blandness – it is meant to be a gentle expression of affection in old age rather than the passions of youth, so perhaps it was always going to be unexciting.

The question of cliché arises. It has been suggested that ordinary love poetry is rather over produced and so perhaps clichés easily find their way into such poetry. I'm just pleased and satisfied that the poem has generated interest and been generally well liked – thank you all again

[ellajam]

Thank you all for your comments.

I have replaced one “now” and one “simple” with “honest”

What probably doesn't come across clearly is that this is about an elderly couple who have lived together many years. (although old age is mentioned). The “pleasure” is therefore a diffuse feeling providing  a warm glow triggered by memories of a lifetime.

I would admit to a certain blandness – it is meant to be a gentle expression of affection in old age rather than the passions of youth, so perhaps it was always going to be unexciting.

The question of cliché arises. It has been suggested that ordinary love poetry is rather over produced and so perhaps clichés easily find their way into such poetry. I'm just pleased and satisfied that the poem has generated interest and been generally well liked – thank you all again

I think the poem and its participants are perfectly clear. I don't think the subject precludes the idea of writing an above average poem. When you're ready to bump your rhymes up and work on saying the same thing in a unique way you could take this to a new level of interest. You can keep the softness and universality of it and still write a poem that grabs even the young reader, and the reader who has read a lifetime of love poems. Plenty of us here try, occasionally successfully.