~Memories Of A Fathers Daughter~ (Age 8)

[ficosdarkness]

Daddy's home! Can you smell the fear?
But I could be wrong, maybe I smell the beer??
Or vodka and seven with a twist of lime,
That's his alternate cocktail, most of the time.
It's one or the other on that you can bet,
He'll quench that thirst, his "whistle" he'll wet.
He's had his last drink, kissed his bitches goodnight,
"High fived" all his buddies, now it's home for a fight.
He found his way home, it's a quarter till five.
I've many times wondered, how he made it alive.
Pissed at himself, a drunk and angry man.
Making her bleed is the "Master's" plan.
He's bringing the hurt, with hell close behind,
He's home to do damage, her pain's on his mind.
He's burning with guilt, so he drinks and gets high,
He can't find release, 'till he makes her cry.
She hides in their room, so frightened and alone,
Her heart beat's in her throat, as it slowly turns to stone.
He stands there before her, his fist's in a ball,
This time he could kill her, he's not letting up at all.
I roll off my bed and I go down on my knees,
Jesus give me the strength, to save my mama, please!
My mom's hurting so bad that she can't hardly stand,
I sneek up behind him, a pop bottle in hand,
I'm shocked at the sight, he's straddled her chest!
His fists clasped in one, his rage, it won't rest!
I take a deep breath and swing with all my might,
No more hurting my mom, I'm ending this fight.
Shit! I knocked him out cold, my mom rolls him aside,
Picks me up in her arms, her eyes filled with such pride.
She softly speaks to me, her voice strained from her screams,
"No more nightmares my child, from now on, just sweet dreams."
Written by: ficosdarkness
On: October 10,2010

[billy]

Written by: ficosdarkness
On: October 10,2010
This is my very first poem. It is a true story...

first off, by saying it's a true story stops me being impartial to the poems
quality and i think it's the same for many readers.
once we're told it's true we tend to just go awwww and actually forget about
how it's written. we want to go awww without being prodded.
written by ficosdarkness oct 10, 2010. is good enough.

full of emotion. for a first poem it's excellent. some good images, some good powerful lines.
it has a fair bit of cliche for me but for a beginner this is a wowser. it has depth,
the end rhymes work well. and there's a lot of internal rhythm that helps the poem flow.
in need of a good edit but if this were my first poem i'd be over the moon. well done.

that said about the edit. i think as it was your first poem i'd leave it as it is. try and use
it to gauge your new poems against. see where you start and how you developed
and also have good first poem to look back on.

thanks for the read

[ficosdarkness]

Written by: ficosdarkness
On: October 10,2010
This is my very first poem. It is a true story...

first off, by saying it's a true story stops me being impartial to the poems
quality and i think it's the same for many readers.
once we're told it's true we tend to just go awwww and actually forget about
how it's written. we want to go awww without being prodded.
written by ficosdarkness oct 10, 2010. is good enough.

full of emotion. for a first poem it's excellent. some good images, some good powerful lines.
it has a fair bit of cliche for me but for a beginner this is a wowser. it has depth,
the end rhymes work well. and there's a lot of internal rhythm that helps the poem flow.
in need of a good edit but if this were my first poem i'd be over the moon. well done.

that said about the edit. i think as it was your first poem i'd leave it as it is. try and use
it to gauge your new poems against. see where you start and how you developed
and also have good first poem to look back on.

thanks for the read

Thank you again Billy, for your encouragement. A quick edit to polish "him" up and onward I go! This has now become my gauge.

[Todd]

Hi fico,]

This reminds me of a poetry prompt I did once. The subject was go back in time and tell your younger self something important.

I think there's a lot of truth in how it intrinsically feels to the rest of the family when "alcoholic-dad" comes home and makes an appearance. Everything sort of skips a beat and hesitates as you all have to assess his mood.

Thinking of the situation and putting him in the place of a rabid dog I almost wonder if line one would be better worded:

Daddy's home! Can he smell the fear?

Sort of like they say dogs can sense when you're afraid.

This is much better than any first poem I ever wrote. Mostly because there is some real emotion here that you can work with.

One thing to consider in later poems you write also:

Don't mess up the syntax to make a rhyme work.

It's one or the other on that you can bet,
He'll quench that thirst, his "whistle" he'll wet.

If it sounds like something Yoda from Star Wars would say than the syntax needs to be put back in order. His whistle he'll wet is sort of that way. The natural way to say it is he'll wet his whistle. For rhyme to work it has to appear natural it's better to work for the rhymes than to force them.

Again though, your starting from a better place than most. It's always easier to pare down something than it is to work without any emotioinal substance.

Again as always I hope some of that was helpful.

Best,

Todd

[ficosdarkness]

Hi fico,]

This reminds me of a poetry prompt I did once. The subject was go back in time and tell your younger self something important.

I think there's a lot of truth in how it intrinsically feels to the rest of the family when "alcoholic-dad" comes home and makes it appearance. Everything sort of skips a beat and hesitates as you all have to assess his mood.

Thinking of the situation and putting him in the place of a rabid dog I almost wonder if line one would be better worded:

Daddy's home! Can he smell the fear?

Sort of like they say dogs can sense when you're afraid.

This is much better than any first poem I ever wrote. Mostly because there is some real emotion here that you can work with.

One thing to consider in later poems you write also:

Don't mess up the syntax to make a rhyme work.

It's one or the other on that you can bet,
He'll quench that thirst, his "whistle" he'll wet.

If it sounds like something Yoda from Star Wars would say than the syntax needs to be put back in order. His whistle he'll wet is sort of that way. The natural way to say it is he'll wet his whistle. For rhyme to work it has to appear natural it's better to work for the rhymes than to force them.

Again though, your starting from a better place than most. It's always easier to pare down something than it is to work without any emotioinal substance.

Again as always I hope some of that was helpful.

Best,

Todd

Heck yeah it's helpful! Thank you Todd! This came out so fast that I didn't really edit it, my memorie of that night is still so fresh that I didn't even consider that it could flow better. It can, you are awesome, thanks again!