04-18-2016, 02:09 AM
I'm leaving us my love,
my reckless entanglement,
my fucking mad, headlong descent-- I like the tone that "fucking mad" gives this, but it doesn't seem to fit... maybe play around with this line to get the same feel with a different phrasing
into today.
You swore we'd die entwined -- i like "entanglement" and then "entwined." it has a good sound to it
in each other,
loving each other. -- this repetition seems a little forced
Give me a chance you said,
to prove my love, you said. -- this is better, especially with the different placement of the comma in the second line
Ha! you had me there,
I didn't ever see this coming, --
This cold, this freezing cold,
I'd have taken hatred any day.
Didn't I deserve that,
at least that?
Didn't I, my love?
-- The language in the first part differs from the rest of it. Are you going for a melodic sound with more complex words, or is it supposed to read more simply? That's what I wondered when I was done. It's an interesting concept but I think you could do a little more in terms of cohesiveness as well as making it more unique. The first few lines caught me but by the end it tired out a bit. The idea of a lover freezing you out is one seen often. What's new (to the reader) about this particular situation or the way you're expressing it?
my reckless entanglement,
my fucking mad, headlong descent-- I like the tone that "fucking mad" gives this, but it doesn't seem to fit... maybe play around with this line to get the same feel with a different phrasing
into today.
You swore we'd die entwined -- i like "entanglement" and then "entwined." it has a good sound to it
in each other,
loving each other. -- this repetition seems a little forced
Give me a chance you said,
to prove my love, you said. -- this is better, especially with the different placement of the comma in the second line
Ha! you had me there,
I didn't ever see this coming, --
This cold, this freezing cold,
I'd have taken hatred any day.
Didn't I deserve that,
at least that?
Didn't I, my love?
-- The language in the first part differs from the rest of it. Are you going for a melodic sound with more complex words, or is it supposed to read more simply? That's what I wondered when I was done. It's an interesting concept but I think you could do a little more in terms of cohesiveness as well as making it more unique. The first few lines caught me but by the end it tired out a bit. The idea of a lover freezing you out is one seen often. What's new (to the reader) about this particular situation or the way you're expressing it?