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DC Black · 03-18-2016, 09:59 AM

I'm leaving us my love,
my reckless entanglement,
my fucking mad, headlong descent
into today.
You swore we'd die entwined
in each other,
loving each other.
Give me a chance you said,
to prove my love, you said.
Ha! you had me there,
I didn't ever see this coming,
This cold, this freezing cold,
I'd have taken hatred any day.
Didn't I deserve that,
at least that?
Didn't I, my love?

DerTomatenToaster · 03-18-2016, 10:43 AM

Ha, a breakup poem! My speciality... Probably.
But I have to admit I don't really like it. It's just the standard "You swore we'd be together forever, but you turned so cold" thing that everyone knows. And if that's what you want it to be, because that's how you feel or something, that's perfectly okay, but then you should at least try to do something special with it, add something that makes the reader think about it.

And even in the poem that isn't very poetic to begin with, you at least tried to use some fancy words at the beginning, which you also stopped with after a while, so you in the end only got some VERY weak lines at the end. Maybe I'm missing something important, if so I'm sorry.
After all, even if I criticized a lot: It's not bad. It's just not good, because there is nothing special to it.

Achebe · 03-19-2016, 10:54 AM

I suppose the first 4 lines could find their way into some sort of a poem, but you lose your way after "You swore" - it just becomes a rant in an 11 AM soap opera.
Perhaps you should try and write a rhyming poem first. Rhyme and form impose a certain discipline that helps when starting out. After that, you can revert to free verse, which is actually the hardest to write well.

03-20-2016, 10:32 AM

Other than that, this seems well written, like it truly comes from the heart

Erthona · 03-20-2016, 01:45 PM

The over use of commas does not improve this piece, however I am curious, what is a "fucking mad"?

If one did a survey of all the poetry sites that have been on, or are currently on the web there are about one hundred thousand similar poems and that is not hyperbole. It seems everyone when starting to write poetry, which generally coincides with the onset of falling in love feels compelled to write this type of poem (of course this seems to apply to just about anyone starting to write poetry, like people as old as fifty or sixty).

In terms of it's makeup or use of tropes, there is a complete misuse of the metaphor used. A metaphor is not an opposition: a this versus that, although that seems how it is attempted to be used.

"This cold, this freezing cold,
I'd have taken hatred any day."

There is nothing concrete, all is abstract, so in the end there is nothing for the reader to latch on to in terms of a story or emotionally: there is nothing for the reader to care about.

I do commend the writer on not using most of the cliches and words used in love poetry, with the exception of using love four times. I used to have a list I had written of the 101 words not to use in a love poem, this was easy to do as they were so commonly overused. Love and its variations was of course were at the top of the list.

There are two recommendation I have for writing love poetry. That one (that is, the poet) wait a few years, during which he/she is writing poetry on a constant basis before attempting such; something like ten years for most, of course others should never attempt it at all and... never write a love poem while in love.

Poetry is quite difficult enough without inflicting love on it. Love poems, like home movies, are generally only entertaining to ourselves.

Welcome to the site,

Best,

dale

Nester · 03-22-2016, 07:39 PM

I agree with much of what's been said, especially how hard it is to write a good love poem. The problem is that love is such a powerful, irrational emotion that it doesn't feel right to put limits on it: I'm pretty good at avoiding cliches, but when I tell my friends about falling in love, I sound like a bad rom-com. But poetry must use concrete language, with images that the reader can latch onto: that's so hard to do when you're writing about love, because it seems self-evident to you, and darn near incommunicable to everyone else.

One way through this is to pick something very specific, and write about that. For example, if you want to write about a breakup, you might write about the traffic ticket you got driving home afterwards. Avoid obvious comparisons (e.g. flowers dying, funerals, etc.), unless you can put a new spin on them (e.g. you're driving to the breakup, but you can't get there because you're stuck behind a funeral procession).

Hope this helps,

Nester

~~Matthew McKeown~~ · 03-25-2016, 08:36 AM

Hi DC,

I cannot add much to what others have already said; however in reading your piece it does seem that you were rushing the lines. I mean they seem like they were born out of real emotion, you should let your pen catch up to your heart.
Thanks, Matt

Mr.Malicious · 03-27-2016, 02:13 PM

Another great piece I've seen from the short time on this forum I've had, you explain the feeling of breaking up with a girl (something I've unfortunately had to do) almost too well. Though I think it could've been a bit more fleshed out. Overall, a good work.

Jasper · 03-28-2016, 03:22 PM

I'm not sure I understand the first line, "I'm leaving us my love," because it seems a bit awkwardly phrased. The structure of the first three lines overall doesn't flow smoothly. This poem is predictable; I would suggest maybe using some more detailed imagery to enhance it. The ending doesn't strike me as the strongest. However, I did like how you put genuine emotion in this piece, I just think it needs to be refined.

Acephale · 03-29-2016, 01:35 AM

Ultimately, I think you need a little more detail. I don't know why you're leaving, I do know you're angry, but that's all I know. Hope that helps.

***Todd*** · 03-29-2016, 03:52 AM

Let me take a different tact here. Try not to say everything so directly. Try approaching the poem at a slant. One way to do this is to think of a central image that can represent the ideas of the poem. Then by approaching that image you make the poem more fresh and interesting.

Example (not what you should do necessarily just to illustrate): Instead of, "You swore we'd die entwined" think of something entwined in nature--the roots or branches of trees maybe. Then you can play with the tree image throughout to show the blight of the relationship without coming out and stating it.

The poem is screaming for imagery.

Hope that helps some.

Best,

Todd

03-29-2016, 11:02 PM

I'm not 100% sure 'in' was the word you wanted to use in the 6th line, feels too sexual and out of place, simple replacement of 'with' could fix this.
The 'you said' could be removed just to improve rhythm, apart from that I think this shows some potential, just needs revising

04-04-2016, 08:17 AM

How abut "I'm Leaving," or better yet, "Leaving" as a title, as opposed to "I'm Leaving You"? Also, I'm not necessarily averse to the f word, however, it seems out of place here. Lastly, I think it would be better w/o the "Ha! you had me there" line, i.e. it seems to take away from the depth.

04-09-2016, 06:05 AM

The first part of the poem is fantastic. It really set the stage. The second half kind of jumped all over the place and died off from its purpose. We understand where your coming from in this one just make it continue to flow with that intensity from the first half. Well done otherwise. Thank you.

DC Black · 04-09-2016, 08:52 AM

Thank you to all of you that have taken the time to read and comment on this, it is very much appreciated.

04-09-2016, 09:08 AM

I will start of by acknowledging what you intended with this poem. You want it to "scream" out your frustration towards a girl who mistreated you, or disappointed you in a grieve way. Although I am not a native English speaker, and I'm still a novice poem writer, I can give you my perspective on your writting; what I think of it, what bothers me, what could be done to improve it.

Firstly, it doesn't read out as a poem for me, when I try to read it, I start rapping. It reminds me more of rap lyrics than a poem. With a few tweaks it could actually be a good rap song. Seriously now, I underlined some parts of the poem that particularly bothered me.
For the first underline I could be wrong, but you can't leave "us", and it would sound better as "I'm leaving you" (In my opinion). It would also connect with the title and just start it off much better.
I underlined "fucking", because this is the first part that made me think of the poem as a rap song. I am sure that swear words are used in some poems, but I have yet to see some without searching it directly on Google, and I am also sure that there is a reason as to why they are so rarely used.
After this we have a few examples of "over-repeating". I don't mind repeating in a poem, but in your case, it completely shifted the flow of the poem. It made the poem seem clumsy, thus making it harder to read as a poem, making me rap it out.
Lastly, what exactly "didn't you deserve"? If I had to gather that information out of the poem, it would be "I'd have taken hatred any day". So you're trying to say that you at least deserved to take hatred any day? I'm sure you did not mean it like that, but the wording is quite deceiving.

Overall, I think you have a lot to improve on this poem, or take much more things into consideration while writing your next one. I definitely haven't gathered all the faults of your poem, but I hope I'd got some that others haven't yet, so that I could at least be somewhat helpful.

P.S. You really need to try rapping out your poem, it goes through quite smoothly with a good beat.

taratica · 04-12-2016, 09:21 AM

Hi,
I liked the way that you tied the end into the beginning...the way you talked to your love. To me it sounds either that you really loved him/her, or that you are sarcastic about it. I prefer the former.

The swearing threw me off. The imagery of roots in nature was nice. This poem could really be a very sweet poem about breaking up if you could work on taking out the back and forth part ('you said')...or somehow leave the bitterness as a suggestion to the reader (so instead of telling us how frustrated and bitter you are, you could leave it to our imagination). That would be hard to do.

My two cents

04-13-2016, 08:44 AM

please keep comments to the poem/ mod

It is a wonderful draft. I know with a little tweaking here and there, it will unfold into an amazing poem.

I respectfully disagree with Achebe about free verse being the hardest form to write well. Poets who know how to use forms well will have no problem with free verse. It is technically very simple. All they need is to write a form poem without actually following all the rules. Free verse is not easy (and the hardship is really artificial to me) only for those who love structure and crave for rules in the same way they need air to live. In addition to submitting themselves to form poetry only instead of free verse, they will also seek out anything outside of the written world, including having weird rituals in life to have a sense of order. Writing form poetry has a therapeutic and stabilizing effect for their tumultuous mind, but these people are likely extremely insane though. What do you think?

Rogo · 04-15-2016, 03:51 AM

I'm leaving us my love,
my reckless entanglement,
my fucking mad, headlong descent
into today.
You swore we'd die entwined 5
in each other,
loving each other.
Give me a chance you said,
to prove my love, you said.
Ha! you had me there, 10
I didn't ever see this coming,
This cold, this freezing cold,
I'd have taken hatred any day.
Didn't I deserve that,
at least that? 15
Didn't I, my love?

There isn't much that keeps me interested here. The main problem is the wording: it's not specific. What I mean is that your poem is riddled with abstractions with words like "love," "hatred," etc. People think in images — not abstractions. (If you don't believe me, try an exercise where you write down the first things that pop into your head when you hear a certain word. You'll find that they are almost always concrete images.) These words are meaningless because of this, but also because they don't have much of a connection to the situation presented in your poem. Give us specifics. What exactly happened? Also, try using your own words! Don't rely on words like "entwined" and "entangled" to describe the relationship of the speaker -- too many others have used these! This seems to be a personal situation, so the poem should be personal too.

However, there are definitely some positive qualities!

For instance, I like the repetition of "other" at the end of lines 6-7 and "said" at the end of 8-9. If you wanted, you could improve upon this repetition by making it more frequent throughout the poem. This could form a stronger relationship between the words and their lines. Here's something to consider: many poets, like Sylvia Plath, repeat the same word twice to create a kind of echo. Maybe you could have the end-line words lead up to this "echo" to convey a sense of emptiness that the speaker feels? Again, this is just a suggestion. Consider it brain fodder!

"my fucking mad, headlong descent/ into today" is one phrase that caught my eye. The lines create a kind of dramatic music with the words. It's slow at the start, but increases its speed immediately with "descent into today" due to the "d" and "t" sounds and the changes in rhythm. It's almost like the words are falling... one might say "descending." The double meaning of "mad" is also interesting. It could either mean mad as in angry or mad as in crazy, which opens up new interpretations and meanings in the poem.

Let me point out that the poem isn't bad. It's just generic. Being more specific and using your own words would greatly benefit it!

Shrewbe · 04-17-2016, 07:22 PM

I'm leaving us my love,
my reckless entanglement,
my fucking mad, headlong descent
into today.

You swore we'd die entwined
in each other,
loving each other.
Give me a chance you said,
to prove my love, you said.
Ha! you had me there, - the "Ha!" seems unnecessary here. It doesn't constructively add to this sentence.
I didn't ever see this coming,
This cold, this freezing cold,
I'd have taken hatred any day.
Didn't I deserve that,
at least that? - The repetition of "that" in this line doesn't work for me because you've already achieved the desired effect of the word in the previous sentence.
Didn't I, my love?

Overall, it's pretty concise in its expression, yet it doesn't exactly evoke the sense of betrayal that I presume it meant to. Perhaps if there was a more specific imagery that I could form some kind of a connection to, empathize with in my mind it would serve its function. That's not to say it is bad. It is alright. Since you're dealing with such a universal theme and situation, and a lot has previously been written about the same... your piece tends to fall into the generic. Only because there is no distinguishing detail- in any form, in it. I do however, like how you started and ended with "my love". It lends the piece a sort of unity, which I think is nice.

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