Imagining Disaster, previously "Stuck," edit 1

[DJesters]

I absolutely love the build up to the end of this poem. The way you built the idea of being a "...corroded tin man..." and then flipped the poem 180 degrees to turn it into something completely different made this poem one of the best reads I have ever read on this site.

[89layers]

Beautiful rewrite. I really like how you tied the snake in. At first I didn't get it, but then yes, I did! (The way you hold the pen in your hand, as you hover, poised, hesitant with thought, before your hand strikes the page in mad fever and devours the page in script. Very moving.)

I love the rhythm of this bit of the poem:

I'd be stopped in a lollipop,

However, I will say, it doesn't really flow with the rest of the poem to me. The rest of the poem is so eloquent, dare I say, fancy. But the image of a lollipop is so casual. Not sure if the phrasing can be reworked keeping the "I'd be stopped in a lollipop" which I think is visual enough to understand the metaphor between pen/lollipop (but somehow get rid of the "with my pen as the stick!"

Just my 2 cents. Very creative piece. And relatable.

[Lizzie]

I absolutely love the build up to the end of this poem. The way you built the idea of being a "...corroded tin man..." and then flipped the poem 180 degrees to turn it into something completely different made this poem one of the best reads I have ever read on this site.

In which case, I invite you to keep reading around the site.

But, thank you, though. I appreciate the time you took to read and comment ><

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Hi Liz,

Really cool read. I especially enjoyed your final stanza (of the edit). Way to go!

I wonder if you would perhaps improve the poem by cutting stanzas two and three?

Best,

e

Yes, those stanzas should be cut...

...along with all the other stanzas.

I'm no longer fond of this one.

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89Layers: I do agree that the lollipop bit is a little much and should probably be cut. I might try paring this one down to the bone to see if I can do a short poem out of it. Thanks for the input!