Impossible angel

[Achebe]

Impossible angel

Beer and cigarettes
and you, your languid locks,
are always in my world of drunken walks
through Barbican and Bishopsgate,
in the moonbeam shallows
of walls spattered with poetry.

Thursday nights your longing is a sea
crossing through hours of drunkenness.
Mindful glances in the mermaid shadows
turn not to me.

Impossible angel
that runs not to me

but runs to the deep sea's emptiness
in the moon frothed wave that follows
her wandering lamp of loneliness
that burns not for me.

[Deor Ana Log]

Impossible angel

Beer and cigarettes I am instantly at the back of the bar with a shady friend 
and you, your languid locks, A unique way to describe hair, nice how it keeps the subject ambiguous
are always in my world of drunken walks such a simple yet killer slant rhyme
through Barbican and Bishopsgate, adding a comma here would smooth out the flow
in the moonbeam shallows moonbeams as a concept have been overused in media, but you do the best job one can do here
of walls spattered with poetry. The audience is led to believe the walls are covered with something foul, and the meta jump cleverly subverts this

Thursday nights your longing is a sea packaging liquid (or any) metaphor in a new form; an effective poetic instinct
crossing through hours of drunkenness. find a synonym for the word 'drunk'
Mindful glances in the mermaid shadows a tiny bit too general here, but alliteration makes up for it
turn not to me.

Impossible angel here the title of the poem is unleashed, and much appreciated
that runs not to me repetition works well here, leaning on the element of surprise

but runs to the deep sea's emptiness is the ocean a metaphor for another person?
in the moon frothed wave that follows word choice pops in this line
her wandering lamp of loneliness search out another way to describe being alone
that burns not for me. ending on simplicity is an effective choice

This piece surprised me in the best way. A highlights for me are the unique word choice and how repetition and alliteration slips in here and there. The title does require workshopping, but not in any major way. Try taking a line instead of word from the poem and using it as the title. In terms of stanzas, having the second to last stanza repeat more than once would be welcome change. Other than that, the format works for the message of loneliness to get across.

A solid 7/10. There were many amazing lines, but the wow factor was not there for me. An amazing intro and closing line though. Thank you for sharing - Deor Ana Log

[busker]

Hello, Deor - you seem to have dug out an old one here!
It’s due for a revision. There are lots of things that can be fixed.
Thanks for the reminder.

[Deor Ana Log]

Hello, Deor - you seem to have dug out an old one here!
It’s due for a revision. There are lots of things that can be fixed.
Thanks for the reminder.

Oh I wasn't aware that you had (or even could have) multiple accounts. I was happy to give feedback, and hope you find something valuable

[busker]

Hello, Deor - you seem to have dug out an old one here!
It’s due for a revision. There are lots of things that can be fixed.
Thanks for the reminder.

Oh I wasn't aware that you had (or even could have) multiple accounts. I was happy to give feedback, and hope you find something valuable

You generally don’t, but I went away for a while and had forgotten my password etc so it was easier to create a new one