waiting for the snow

[Bueller]

Revision

we're waiting for the snow to fall quiet
like a poem's beginning

for our footsteps to land muted
like a vow of silence
to contemplate our own natures
and tune our ears to the sound
of quiet itself

we're waiting for white primer
to clear the smearing colors
of leaves discarded and rotting
to reset the landscape
and cleanse the canvas

we're waiting to trundle
through undulating drifts
across fallow fields
matching our tracks
to the mysterious deer
drawing ever inward
like a daydream

---

Original

we're waiting for the snow to fall quiet
like a poem's beginning

bringing relief from the rain
and the blustery wind
from the slip of rotting leaves

from the strain of change

we're waiting to trundle
through undulating drifts
across fallow fields

inward as a daydream
as an icy lake

[kolemath]

we're waiting for the snow to fall quiet
like a poem's beginning is a poem quiet? how? maybe between the title and first line is quiet

awaiting relief from the rain
and the blustery wind
from the slip of rotting leaves these lines work as connected to snow. can't help but this of r. frost. 

from the strain of change this line doesn't add to the poem IMO

we're waiting to trundle
through undulating drifts not sure what this means
across fallow fields i like the adjective, adds a layer of meaning, 
i suppose the stanza is walking through a snowy field?

inward as a daydream
as an icy lake is an icy lake inward? i think of surfaces

i like the poem, a kind of identity as connected to seasons. S4 could bring this out more. thanks for posting

[Achebe]

we're waiting for the snow to fall quiet
like a poem's beginning ....quietly, but a little trade off of grammar for sonics is ok. Unless you meant 'become quiet', which doesn't connect with a poem's beginning 

bringing relief from the rain .... 'bringing relief' is prosaic
and the blustery wind .... spoils the quiet buildup of the first two lines
from the slip of rotting leaves .... although I like the last line, the first two are dull and spoil the seeenity of the opening. Let this poem be about quiet snow, not about everything else in the world 

from the strain of change .... meaningless 

we're waiting to trundle
through undulating drifts
across fallow fields .... nice strophe. Along with the opening, the best part of the poem 

inward as a daydream
as an icy lake .... snow covered fields like an icy lake...the simile is weak as both images are of equal strength 

I think you've got a good poem on your hands. Might make sense to carry on with the opening mood

[howls]

we're waiting for the snow to fall quiet
like a poem's beginning

Fall quietly*

bringing relief from the rain
and the blustery wind
from the slip of rotting leaves

What is the slip or rotting leaves

from the strain of change

Verbose.

we're waiting to trundle
through undulating drifts
across fallow fields

Probably the best stanza because of the imagery.

inward as a daydream
as an icy lake

I don't understand the icy lake metaphor.


Thanks for posting. I enjoyed your poem.

[CRNDLSM]

Hi bueller! I like this.  The snow seems ominous, it reads like an introduction.  Some of the repetition isn't wordage so much as clusters.  I like kolemath idea to start the poem without the title in the first line.  Quiet, like a poems beginning.  So you have next the past 'from the rain, from the slip, from the strain'.  Then is prepositions of the tough future, 'through, across, inward'  then  it seems to compare this process of shifting to both a daydream and an icy lake.  But those last two I can't necessarily compare to each other.  You got style and a way with words, keep writing!

we're waiting for the snow to fall quiet
like a poem's beginning

bringing relief from the rain
and the blustery wind
from the slip of rotting leaves

from the strain of change

we're waiting to trundle
through undulating drifts
across fallow fields

inward as a daydream
as an icy lake

[Bueller]

i suppose the stanza is walking through a snowy field? Yeah, that's what I had in mind.

inward as a daydream
as an icy lake is an icy lake inward? i think of surfaces "inward" was supposed to refer to the frame of mind of the characters, pulling into the self for a season, introspection, etc. So, then the icy lake pulling inward is because it's like the water closes itself off to the rest of the world for a time of, for lack of a better word, hibernation. So, the lake, there's activity underneath, but stillness on top -- even barrenness on top, it might seem if one didn't know of the activity underneath. That's where my mind was going.

Good points, and I will make some changes, hopefully try to make things clearer. Thank you.

---

we're waiting for the snow to fall quiet
like a poem's beginning ....quietly, but a little trade off of grammar for sonics is ok. Unless you meant 'become quiet', which doesn't connect with a poem's beginning 

bringing relief from the rain .... 'bringing relief' is prosaic
and the blustery wind .... spoils the quiet buildup of the first two lines
from the slip of rotting leaves .... although I like the last line, the first two are dull and spoil the seeenity of the opening. Let this poem be about quiet snow, not about everything else in the world 

from the strain of change .... meaningless 

we're waiting to trundle
through undulating drifts
across fallow fields .... nice strophe. Along with the opening, the best part of the poem 

inward as a daydream
as an icy lake .... snow covered fields like an icy lake...the simile is weak as both images are of equal strength 

I think you've got a good poem on your hands. Might make sense to carry on with the opening mood

But, I like talking about everything in the world!

Great crit, and I will make some changes. Thanks, achebe.

---

Howls: the slip of rotting leaves is referring to how slimy and moist the leaves get when it's been rainy and they've been on the ground for a while. Let's just say, I'm always slipping on the leaves this time of year. My deck is a deathtrap for me.

Thanks for the critique and for reading.

---

Hi bueller! I like this.  The snow seems ominous, it reads like an introduction.  Some of the repetition isn't wordage so much as clusters.  I like kolemath idea to start the poem without the title in the first line.  Quiet, like a poems beginning.  So you have next the past 'from the rain, from the slip, from the strain'.  Then is prepositions of the tough future, 'through, across, inward'  then  it seems to compare this process of shifting to both a daydream and an icy lake.  But those last two I can't necessarily compare to each other.  You got style and a way with words, keep writing!

Ok, I'll look at some of the repetition and see what I can come up with. It's interesting, I intended the coming of the snowfall to be a time of a certain heaviness to be sure, but also of liberation from the chaotic feeling of fall and the wildness of the changing seasons. Perhaps I'll work harder at getting that snowfall to really feel like relief instead of ominous or foreboding.

Thanks for letting me know how you read it. That's very helpful.

[shisle07]

we're waiting for the snow to fall quiet
like a poem's beginning

bringing relief from the rain
and the blustery wind
from the slip of rotting leaves

from the strain of change

we're waiting to trundle
through undulating drifts
across fallow fields

inward as a daydream
as an icy lake

Great imagery throughout. I get a little lost in that there is strain in change, especially because you mention how quiet it comes at the beginning and the relief it will be. Maybe instead of strain it could be an easy transition?

[Bueller]

we're waiting for the snow to fall quiet
like a poem's beginning

bringing relief from the rain
and the blustery wind
from the slip of rotting leaves

from the strain of change

we're waiting to trundle
through undulating drifts
across fallow fields

inward as a daydream
as an icy lake

Great imagery throughout. I get a little lost in that there is strain in change, especially because you mention how quiet it comes at the beginning and the relief it will be. Maybe instead of strain it could be an easy transition?

Hi shisle07.

I see that that line is confusing -- I was thinking about the unstable feeling of the transition between summer and winter, but you're right that I do equate the final coming of winter with relief.

That whole line will be cut in the revision, since it doesn't seem to add anything but confusion. Thanks for adding in your viewpoint.

Luke

[SandyCarroll]

Hi bueller! I like this.  The snow seems ominous, it reads like an introduction.  Some of the repetition isn't wordage so much as clusters.  I like kolemath idea to start the poem without the title in the first line.  Quiet, like a poems beginning.  So you have next the past 'from the rain, from the slip, from the strain'.  Then is prepositions of the tough future, 'through, across, inward'  then  it seems to compare this process of shifting to both a daydream and an icy lake.  But those last two I can't necessarily compare to each other.  You got style and a way with words, keep writing!

we're waiting for the snow to fall quiet
like a poem's beginning

bringing relief from the rain
and the blustery wind
from the slip of rotting leaves

from the strain of change

we're waiting to trundle
through undulating drifts
across fallow fields

inward as a daydream
as an icy lake

 Its true when it is snowing the rain does not fall...is this a metaphor maybe of a change in your life??  Very nice!

[Bueller]

Hi bueller! I like this.  The snow seems ominous, it reads like an introduction.  Some of the repetition isn't wordage so much as clusters.  I like kolemath idea to start the poem without the title in the first line.  Quiet, like a poems beginning.  So you have next the past 'from the rain, from the slip, from the strain'.  Then is prepositions of the tough future, 'through, across, inward'  then  it seems to compare this process of shifting to both a daydream and an icy lake.  But those last two I can't necessarily compare to each other.  You got style and a way with words, keep writing!

we're waiting for the snow to fall quiet
like a poem's beginning

bringing relief from the rain
and the blustery wind
from the slip of rotting leaves

from the strain of change

we're waiting to trundle
through undulating drifts
across fallow fields

inward as a daydream
as an icy lake

 Its true when it is snowing the rain does not fall...is this a metaphor maybe of a change in your life??  Very nice!

When I write mood pieces, they do tend to draw on my experiences, yes.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

Luke

[Coquette16]

Bueller,

I put some comments within the poem text and also after. 

we're waiting for the snow to fall quiet
like a poem's beginning  

Beautiful. I can feel the stillness of both.

bringing relief from the rain
and the blustery wind
from the slip of rotting leaves

There is also blustery wind in winter, so perhaps an alternate type of wind/prevailing weather to make the shift more pronounced. The "slip of rotting leaves" is like a boat slip...the wind departs the ground? Just clarifying the image it creates for me---is this the image you wanted to convey?

from the strain of change

we're waiting to trundle
through undulating drifts
across fallow fields

inward as a daydream
as an icy lake

Love "inward as a daydream" simile! Beautiful...
The last line left me confused as to what exactly is the "daydream"....winter? 


Overall, the poem has good bones to play around with and also has some beautiful imagery. I question the overall tone of the poem. The tone should either be more consistent or have a purposeful shift.

[Bueller]

Bueller,

I put some comments within the poem text and also after. 

we're waiting for the snow to fall quiet
like a poem's beginning  

Beautiful. I can feel the stillness of both.

bringing relief from the rain
and the blustery wind
from the slip of rotting leaves

There is also blustery wind in winter, so perhaps an alternate type of wind/prevailing weather to make the shift more pronounced. The "slip of rotting leaves" is like a boat slip...the wind departs the ground? Just clarifying the image it creates for me---is this the image you wanted to convey?

from the strain of change

we're waiting to trundle
through undulating drifts
across fallow fields

inward as a daydream
as an icy lake

Love "inward as a daydream" simile! Beautiful...
The last line left me confused as to what exactly is the "daydream"....winter? 


Overall, the poem has good bones to play around with and also has some beautiful imagery. I question the overall tone of the poem. The tone should either be more consistent or have a purposeful shift.

Hi, Coquette16. You bring up some valid points. The daydream is just a simile meant to reinforce the calm, the hush that the first snowfall brings.

I think you're right about the tone needing to be the same, so I'll likely cut out the leaves bit and make that into something else.

Thanks for the critique.

[Sparkydashforth]

we're waiting for the snow to fall quiet
like a poem's beginning.....................nicely said. Brings a quiet ambience at the beginning of the work.

bringing relief from the rain
and the blustery wind
from the slip of rotting leaves............good illustrative lines.

from the strain of change...............don't really get this.

we're waiting to trundle
through undulating drifts
across fallow fields..................good images

inward as a daydream
as an icy lake........................love the last lines --really takes the poem to a meditative level.

[Bueller]

Thank you Sparkydashforth for your review. I've cut that line that was incomprehensible. I think you're right about it needing to take a more meditative bent. Thanks for the input!

I've posted a revision at the top. Thanks again to everyone for the comments!

[Coquette16]

Bueller,

I like your revision---particularly the first two stanzas! Wow...so peaceful...For me, it reminds me of growing up in Northern Michigan when the snow just fell and all is quiet and untouched...so still and peaceful...

I have just a couple notes below.

-Coquette16

Revision

we're waiting for the snow to fall quiet
like a poem's beginning

for our footsteps to land muted
like a vow of silence                 >beautiful redundancy
to contemplate our own natures
and tune our ears to the sound
of quiet itself           >re-work the phrasing/rhythm a bit in these last two lines; more concise, like the silence itself

we're waiting for white primer  >not as delicate of an image as the previous ones; intentional shift of tone and metaphor?
to clear the smearing colors   >I know what you are getting at here, but maybe find a different word for "clear" or "smearing", since they are so similar sounding
of leaves discarded and rotting
to reset the landscape  
and cleanse the canvas  >nice two lines

we're waiting to trundle
through undulating drifts
across fallow fields
matching our tracks
to the mysterious deer 
drawing ever inward > the placement and incorporation of  the "mysterious deer" seems nonessential/random; it also sounds like the deer is "drawing ever inward like a daydream"
like a daydream

---

Original

we're waiting for the snow to fall quiet
like a poem's beginning

bringing relief from the rain
and the blustery wind
from the slip of rotting leaves

from the strain of change

we're waiting to trundle
through undulating drifts
across fallow fields

inward as a daydream
as an icy lake