Free Standing

[71degrees]

You look lonely
standing there
in front of me
in the six-items
or less checkout,
biting the inside
of your cheek
not free or buoyant,
enjoying only yourself.

Switching, crossing
ankles constantly.

For your own sanity,
I hope you don’t
meet anyone
as lonely as you
to make you feel
okay about all this.

[CRNDLSM]

Is this one of a series? The only part I do not like is 'enjoying only yourself' because she looks lonely, biting her cheek,crossing legs anxiously, if she is enjoying herself, the rest doesn't make sense. It sounds like the writer is lonely, projecting... being alone not lonely,

[71degrees]

Is this one of a series? The only part I do not like is 'enjoying only yourself' because she looks lonely, biting her cheek,crossing legs anxiously, if she is enjoying herself, the rest doesn't make sense.  It sounds like the writer is lonely, projecting... being alone not lonely,

Curious as to why you would ask about a series...is there something here that might indicate that? If the N. is sounding like the lonely one, you might be onto something

Thanks for commenting. Appreciate your thoughts.

[Achebe]

S1 and S2 are sprinkled with interesting detail, such as six items or less and biting the inside of the cheek.
Not sure why it's not ok to feel ok in S3 though 

Perhaps better to leave out the authorial intrusion and carry on the observation for one more strophe.

[Lizzie]

Hi 71. In general, I think this one could benefit from more specific detail and more precise language. A couple of thoughts below.

You look lonely -- what in particular makes you think so?
standing there
in front of me -- these two lines, while accurate, are bland
in the six-items
or less checkout,
biting the inside
of your cheek -- these four lines are good detail wise
not free or buoyant,
enjoying only yourself. -- you seem to be making some sweeping assumptions about the other person that I don't feel are quite justified yet from what we've been shown. I need more persuasion to come to the same conclusion as you.

Switching, crossing
ankles constantly.

For your own sanity, -- 'sanity' is actually a very non-specific word, since everyone's definition is personal, and even the professionals don't entirely agree on what it looks like
I hope you don’t
meet anyone
as lonely as you
to make you feel
okay about all this. -- what is 'all this'? Why isn't 'all this' ok?

I very much enjoy that the observations of the other seem to reveal even more about the speaker, I think that's a great twist. This adds another layer of depth. And I like that you're doing something with such a common transaction as standing in the checkout line -- that gives the poem a very modern feel.

Hope this helps some,

lizziep

[71degrees]

S1 and S2 are sprinkled with interesting detail, such as six items or less and biting the inside of the cheek.
Not sure why it's not ok to feel ok in S3 though 

Perhaps better to leave out the authorial intrusion and carry on the observation for one more strophe.

The N. is commenting that she "looks" lonely and other various comments. Doesn't mean she is. The authorial intrusion is the thrust of the poem. Don't we all make judgements on first impressions? Again, doesn't mean they're right or wrong. As human beings, we just do. Part of our DNA.

Do agree one more strophe could flesh out some things. Thanks. Appreciate all your comments.

---

Hi 71. In general, I think this one could benefit from more specific detail and more precise language. A couple of thoughts below.

You look lonely -- what in particular makes you think so?
standing there
in front of me -- these two lines, while accurate, are bland
in the six-items
or less checkout,
biting the inside
of your cheek -- these four lines are good detail wise
not free or buoyant,
enjoying only yourself. -- you seem to be making some sweeping assumptions about the other person that I don't feel are quite justified yet from what we've been shown. I need more persuasion to come to the same conclusion as you.

Switching, crossing
ankles constantly.

For your own sanity, -- 'sanity' is actually a very non-specific word, since everyone's definition is personal, and even the professionals don't entirely agree on what it looks like
I hope you don’t
meet anyone
as lonely as you
to make you feel
okay about all this. -- what is 'all this'? Why isn't 'all this' ok?

I very much enjoy that the observations of the other seem to reveal even more about the speaker, I think that's a great twist. This adds another layer of depth. And I like that you're doing something with such a common transaction as standing in the checkout line -- that gives the poem a very modern feel.

Hope this helps some,

lizziep

It does indeed. The "modern" feel of which you speak tells me I'm on the right track. Thanks for all your comments.