I see snakes
and worms
hear strange sounds,
much hissing.
Delayed Response
Tortured so I'll see?
I prefer banners,
a stack of blank sheets
in one solid color
of I want to be over you.
Enjoy my wedgies.
first revision
A Constant Call to My Fall
Vapors drop
mace and chains,
whips and fire;
You'll wait
for my love letter,
that murky wedge
between me & God.
I must confess,
I see snakes
and worms
and hear
the sounds
of much hissing.
Delayed Response
Tortured so I'll see?
I prefer banners,
a stack of blank sheets
in one solid color
of I want to be over you.
Enjoy my wedgies.
original
the sky falls
mace and chains
whips and fire
as you wait
for my love letter
your murky wedge
between me & God
I must confess
I see snakes
and worms
and hear
the sounds
of much hissing
I don't understand the 'sale' in the title, I can picture a sell, like a man (because of love letter and ... wedge) sold himself (convinced you of his attractiveness as a man) and you have remorse over thinking about buying what he sells (not quite buyers remorse), since the despair seems to come from the wedge it created.
I think it would look better like this:
(05-05-2017, 01:50 AM)nibbed Wrote: the sky falls
mace and chains
whips and fire
as you wait
for my love letter
your murky wedge
between me & God
I must confess
I see snakes
and worms
and hear
the sounds
of much hissing
I like how 'I must confess' and 'of much hissing' are positioned and confess somewhat rhymes with wedge, cool. I just think with that in mind you might change the first line, the sky falls is bland, hope this helps!
(05-05-2017, 10:43 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote: I don't understand the 'sale' in the title, I can picture a sell, like a man (because of love letter and ... wedge) sold himself (convinced you of his attractiveness as a man) and you have remorse over thinking about buying what he sells (not quite buyers remorse), since the despair seems to come from the wedge it created.
I think it would look better like this:
(05-05-2017, 01:50 AM)nibbed Wrote: the sky falls
mace and chains
whips and fire
as you wait
for my love letter
your murky wedge
between me & God
I must confess
I see snakes
and worms
and hear
the sounds
of much hissing
I like how 'I must confess' and 'of much hissing' are positioned and confess somewhat rhymes with wedge, cool. I just think with that in mind you might change the first line, the sky falls is bland, hope this helps!
Hi CRNDLSM
Hey, that's a very clever division! Thanks! Oh, I actually went over budget and made a purchase not necessary for my survival because I was weak in the flesh and couldn't pass it up. I tied it into some fate issues concerning the poem. You are right though, it should be edited because no one can understand it but me. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my poem and critiquing!
Overall, this poem is quite effective, and I especially appreciate the imagery of the poem. I
The ambiguous meaning to them poem is what makes it all the more enticing. But if your intention is to present something more meaningful, I suggest you expand upon what you have written, or instead change the vocabulary a little bit more.
Fell
Vapors drop
mace and chains,
whips and fire;
You'll wait
for my love letter,
that murky wedge I don't quite understand this stanza. Is the love letter a prayer perhaps?
between me & God. I like the stand alone line you out here.
I must confess,- somehow I get the impression of someone being underground, in a coffin or something. If that is the case, then this whole stanza is extremely chilling and effective.
I see snakes
and worms
and hear
the sounds
of much hissing.
original
the sky falls
mace and chains
whips and fire
as you wait
for my love letter
your murky wedge
between me & God
I must confess
I see snakes
and worms
and hear
the sounds
of much hissing
[/quote]
Hi nibbed. I read this as someone who hears hell approaching, like hellhounds in the distance. I actually like it because there's a lovely foreboding quality to it. The last strophe is my favorite -- worms and last confessions hinting at death, and snakes/hissing hinting at evil maybe or even just death by venom.
The title is pretty bland and flat -- I'd use that space to give some context to the poem. Maybe let the title do some of the explaining of what the poem's about. "Fell" is probably doing that to some extent, but it's not strong enough, imo. And the poem seems to be talking about the future, and so the past tense of the title is odd.
I read your explanation of what it's "about" and I wouldn't have made the connection at all. I don't think that's really necessary though. In fact, I think it's better to leave the details out so that it maintains broader significance.
The only thing that I'd like to see clarified is the love letter -- I think there should be some clarification of who's being addressed, why the letter exists, why are they waiting, what makes the letter murky, etc. That's the part I find puzzling. But, I think the ending is great.
I also think that you set up the sonics well for hissing, how you primed the ear to hear that as a perfect closing word.
Thank you so much Lizzie,
I will work on the title change.
I may change a bit of the structure
and I will certainly take your
suggestions under consideration.
(05-09-2017, 01:02 AM)67eager Wrote: Overall, this poem is quite effective, and I especially appreciate the imagery of the poem. I
The ambiguous meaning to them poem is what makes it all the more enticing. But if your intention is to present something more meaningful, I suggest you expand upon what you have written, or instead change the vocabulary a little bit more.
Fell
Vapors drop
mace and chains,
whips and fire;
You'll wait
for my love letter,
that murky wedge I don't quite understand this stanza. Is the love letter a prayer perhaps?
between me & God. I like the stand alone line you out here.
I must confess,- somehow I get the impression of someone being underground, in a coffin or something. If that is the case, then this whole stanza is extremely chilling and effective.
I see snakes
and worms
and hear
the sounds
of much hissing.
original
the sky falls
mace and chains
whips and fire
as you wait
for my love letter
your murky wedge
between me & God
I must confess
I see snakes
and worms
and hear
the sounds
of much hissing
[/quote]
hi 67eager. Thank you for kindly reading my poem and offering your critique. I am sorry I missed this reply. I wrote it when I was feeling very sad and overcome. I forgot to count my blessings that day! Thanks, again.
I believe that if god exists (sorry I write it this way) he/ she/ it likes your poem!
it sounds natural and original at the same time to me and has metaphors that offer a lot to think about.
your original version makes me think I interprete this not in the way you intended, i like the thoughts you convey in your first version as well.
spoiler box because my comments consist only of interpretations.. hope it´s still useful as feedback.
(05-05-2017, 01:50 AM)nibbed Wrote: A Constant Call to My Fall
Vapors drop good start… vapors first rise, but when the air is cool they condense and drop again!love that line. the enjambment gives it a second possible meaning.. like ghosts letting the following things drop.
mace and chains, somehow sounds like ball and chain.. made into a weapon with the replacement of ball by mace. some weapon chained to the carrier. whips and fire;
You'll wait
for my love letter,
that murky wedge this line I read with double meaning: first as a description of the love letter , then as belonging to the next line: wedge between subject and god. both ways relentlessly honest (and let me add: not necessarily true, just honest in the description of the thought/ feeling)
between me & God.
I must confess,
I see snakes
and worms things undermining faith, fear of death
and hear
the sounds
of much hissing. snakes make me think of confessing temptation and doubts. maybe doubt is also seen as a form of temptation.
Delayed Response that is a fine, sarcastic understatement!.. maybe we all will get a very delayed response, maybe we won´t and will never even know.
Tortured so I'll see?
I prefer banners,
a stack of blank sheets
in one solid color
of I want to be over you.
Enjoy my wedgies.
I like referencing to murky wedges with wedgies, the latter ridiculing the former. This stanza could be read as god´s response, some god who seems to not take the content of the first stanza seriously, instead demands testimonies (banners) and wants to be all over, but yet ignores/ covers up parts. wedgie certainly is some fresh metaphor, and a good one as well! the whole second stanza has an ironic tone which makes it pretty clear that it´s just an imagined response, the subject still seems to be the same as in the first stanza, venting uncertainty.
Thank you for taking time to read & critique my poem.
When I wrote it I was dealing with some oppression/a thorn
that often accompanies temptation...I suppose much of
my poetry is written through frustration, but I am working
on changing that. I just have to keep in mind that because I
belong to God nothing I can do or say can make Him love me
any less or any more. His love is unconditional. I just forget
sometimes.
Thank you kindly for your words of encouragement and critique.
The first six lines are confusing, I'm like "What?!", A more expansion of thought would help here. Also the first 6 lines kinda interrupted me from finishing the rest of the poem.
(07-29-2017, 08:11 AM)Devante Wrote: The first six lines are confusing, I'm like "What?!", A more expansion of thought would help here. Also the first 6 lines kinda interrupted me from finishing the rest of the poem.
Hi Devante. Thank you for replying to my poem.
You know how poetry is, not everybody
understands and some folks write in the abstract.
I appreciate your consideration of critique
to my poem.
What is the delayed response about? Is that an extension of the poem? I'll avoid commenting on it for now.
I see in other versions the line 'between me and god' is isolated and the newest version is not. Was this intentional or is this an error? I personally find it to be more appealing isolated. It provides more of an impact and makes it feel far more important.
(05-05-2017, 01:50 AM)nibbed Wrote: A Constant Call to My Fall
Vapors drop
mace and chains, It's neat how you wrote about skies dropping, then go on in this line about mace and chains, which I don't know if you intended, creates a sort of white bear problem. I can just hear the chains. Pretty sweet.
whips and fire;
You'll wait
for my love letter,
that murky wedge
between me & God.
I must confess,
I see snakes
and worms
and hear
the sounds
of much hissing.
Delayed Response
Tortured so I'll see?
I prefer banners,
a stack of blank sheets
in one solid color
of I want to be over you.
Enjoy my wedgies. Funny line. This whole stanza has a certain swagger to it, with you preferring sheets and of which color.
This is pretty solid poem overall, it's great you added punctuation because the original seemed to just wander into nowhere. Maybe you should go back to this being one whole poem though, with the new stanza added. I don't see much differences in both parts; the final part just feels like a mere expansion of thought on the situation you were put into.
original
the sky falls
mace and chains
whips and fire
as you wait
for my love letter
your murky wedge
between me & God
I must confess
I see snakes
and worms
and hear
the sounds
of much hissing
it started out as one poem then it became necessary
to make it into two poems. now the surge of the write has fizzled
so I will likely put it aside for a later look.
thank you both for considering my poem for critique.
Hi, I like the up-dated version of your poem, I know its two now but I kinda of read them as follow on-s from one another which I think is quite clever, I don't know if it's something I would be able to do.
I like the Titles by the way. Clever. The only comment I will make really is "Between me & God" I struggle with as for years I've been told it should be "Between God & I" & I don't know if I'm able to change my firmly created mindset so I find it a bit jarring. However, I will accept that this is probably just me & my outdated perceptions.
A Constant Call to My Fall
Vapors drop
mace and chains,
whips and fire;
You'll wait
for my love letter,
that murky wedge
between me & God.
I must confess,
I see snakes
and worms
and hear
the sounds
of much hissing.
Delayed Response
Tortured so I'll see?
I prefer banners,
a stack of blank sheets
in one solid color
of I want to be over you.
Enjoy my wedgies.
As a realist who would be totally unable to write anything like this and can remain totally impervious to the style, I have to admit in all humility that the forceful imagery was a ray of sun for my ignorance.
I would not dare criticizing inasmuch as it is out of my scope and competence, but want to say that I do genuinely find it excellent...
But please, do not expect me to even try to come up with anything like it☺
(10-04-2017, 05:41 PM)Huckleberry Wrote: As a realist who would be totally unable to write anything like this and can remain totally impervious to the style, I have to admit in all humility that the forceful imagery was a ray of sun for my ignorance.
I would not dare criticizing inasmuch as it is out of my scope and competence, but want to say that I do genuinely find it excellent...
But please, do not expect me to even try to come up with anything like it☺
Thank you so much
Thank you, Huckleberry. Your reply made me smile, I honestly didn't know what to say about it. I hope you have a wonderful day. It is cold where I am, but I hope your day is full of warmth and a whole lot of joy!
Hi Nibbed,
No major thoughts on content, I think the imagery works and is consistent, but a suggestion on structure.
For your consideration:
You'll wait for my love letter, that murky wedge between me & God.
I must confess, I see snakes
(I'd suggest 'serpents' for snakes, gives you two apple connections, should you want one) and worms
and hear the sounds of much hissing.
This verse is, I think, the only real weak point.
What would you 'hear' if not 'sounds'?
And 'much' is rather weak.
(This would seem to be a bit of a missed opportunity for 'writhing')
Vapors drop whips and fire, mace and chains
(couldn't tell if this was mace (spiked club - in which case 'maces') or mace (the chemical spray)).
(11-01-2017, 11:15 PM)Knot Wrote: Hi Nibbed,
No major thoughts on content, I think the imagery works and is consistent, but a suggestion on structure.
For your consideration:
You'll wait for my love letter, that murky wedge between me & God.
I must confess, I see snakes
(I'd suggest 'serpents' for snakes, gives you two apple connections, should you want one) and worms
and hear the sounds of much hissing.
This verse is, I think, the only real weak point.
What would you 'hear' if not 'sounds'?
And 'much' is rather weak.
(This would seem to be a bit of a missed opportunity for 'writhing')
Vapors drop whips and fire, mace and chains
(couldn't tell if this was mace (spiked club - in which case 'maces') or mace (the chemical spray)).
Hope this is of some use.
Best, Knot.
Thank you kindly Knot
You brought out some good points I hadn't noticed!
I thought I was through, but that isn't the case.
Looking forward to a spit and shine polishing
on this one.
