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Edit 2
Something about you
this morning, with the roses
blown delicately in the early winter
gardens, came to my mind.
My thoughts have nothing to do but amble,
on a dawn bus ride
past backyard and bramble,
through a fog bound city,
its blackened brick walls
left behind.
Something about it, this morning, in the gardens
came to mind.
Edit 1
Original (kind of)
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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I like this. I think you can do more with it: you could add more details of the bus ride that remind the speaker of earlier times, maybe other sights, sounds, smells and pair them back to the person or the place. That would help to build the characters and establish a sense of place.
I don't think the repetition in the last two lines is effective because it's doesn't bring in any new elements. You could get away with it if the poem was longer, if the reader had sufficient time to forget and then be reminded.
To me, you have a good start here. It's an early draft IMO.
Cheers,
Lizzie
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Thanks, Lizzie. A longer poem would detract from the lyrical quality that I was at least aiming for. It needs to be amenable to being read aloud in one breath.
But I get what you mean - there's avagueness after the first two lines that is less than satisfying...
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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(06-02-2017, 07:21 AM)Achebe Wrote: Something about you
this morning, with the roses
blown delicately in the early winter's
morning, came to my mind.
As I have nothing to do but ponder
on my dawn bus ramble
through suburban gardens,
of a green and golden city
long left behind -
something about it, this morning, in the gardens
came to my mind.
l´d erase the comma after "gardens".
It´s nice, a flashback-like dream. maybe you could somehow add a hint of what the "something" was, because it left me somewhat pondering (as well, but maybe that´s the point).
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Lovely. To my mind,  , the last line could lose the "my".
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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Thanks, Ella. Have posted an edit. I liked your suggestion.
Thanks for reading, vag.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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I like the way the length of of the amble line adds to the amble and I like the additional rhyme. I feel like the original made it clearer that there are two cities, the contrast was clearer. In the edit it seems the "left behind" might apply only to the life, and due just to aging.
(06-02-2017, 07:21 AM)Achebe Wrote: Edit 1
Something about you
this morning, with the roses
blown delicately in the early winter's
gardens, came to my mind.
My thoughts have nothing to do but amble
on a dawn bus ride
past backyard and bramble
through a green golden city
in the autumn of a life
left behind.
Something about it, this morning, in the gardens
came to mind.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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thanks again, Ella. I'm still struggling after the first 'mind', but the previous version was introducing a wholly different and unnecessary slant to the poem, which you pointed out.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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Hey Achebe,
This poem has a nice lyrical quality to it. I found myself reading this out loud and just loving its sound. I do have some thoughts:
(06-02-2017, 07:21 AM)Achebe Wrote: Edit 2
Something about you -The word, "Something" is a bit vague, but that is the point of its use here. You want the reader to wonder what the something is. This works to a certain extent, but if you wanted to expand this poem, giving more detail about what exactly the "something" is in this line would be a way.
this morning, with the roses -The use of roses here made me think the speaker is talking about a current or former love.
blown delicately in the early winter -The image of the winter gardens made me think that the relationship didn't end well, or isn't going well. Was that your intention?
gardens, came to my mind.
My thoughts have nothing to do but amble -I like the use of the word "amble" here. It is a perfect way to describe early morning thoughts while on a long drive.
on a dawn bus ride -The speaker is now on a bus. Does that mean the winter garden from earlier in the poem was something he/she passed by while walking to the bus stop/station?
past backyard and bramble
through a fog bound city, -These two lines are nice images. The bramble works well because of the rose image from earlier in the poem.
its blackened brick walls -I love the wording of "blackened brick walls" because it creates a potent image in my mind. I am a bit unclear on why the bus is leaving the city. Is this an indication that the the relationship has just ended? If answering that question gives too much away about the poem, feel free to private message me an answer.
left behind.
Something about it, this morning, in the gardens -I like the ending. These last two lines give the poem a sense of coming full circle in a way. I am assuming the "it" here is the relationship.
came to mind.
Edit 1
Original (kind of)
Overall, this is a bit of an odd poem to critique. I say this because it's a strong piece. However, you could say more in it if you wanted to, but I understand if you wanted to keep it the way it is as well. May be that just speaks to the poem's quality that the only major suggestion is that I wish there was more of it to enjoy.
Cheers,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
(06-02-2017, 07:21 AM)Achebe Wrote: Edit 2
Something about you
this morning, with the roses
blown delicately in the early winter
gardens, came to my mind. This sentence is a little awkward to me, mainly for the use of "with." Maybe this is more boring, but I feel like beginning with "Something about the roses..." and somehow ending with "...brought you to mind," would be more clear. I'm definitely not saying the sentence should be a straight shot with no comma - I know that would ruin the rhythm - but just a thought.
My thoughts have nothing to do but amble Unless there's a deeper purpose to it I think I'd prefer "I've nothing to do" over "My thoughts have nothing to do." I can see how some might think 'thoughts' makes it more intimate, but I prefer to firmly know it is the speaker.
on a dawn bus ride I like the word amble, but it feels redundant that it comes before we're informed of the bus ride. It almost feels like reading "...but ride on a dawn bus ride."
through a fog bound city, I'm not saying you should change this back to "gold-grey," but I liked that color being in the poem. Maybe it could go somewhere in the beginning? My ear wanted "the fog" over "a fog," for some reason. Not a big deal obviously.
its blackened brick walls
left behind. This seems to be the closest thing to a pay off in this poem, but it didn't give me enough clues to feel closure, personally. The somber quality is obvious, but I left wanting a more concrete indication of the speaker's mood. Sort of how in Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening we eventually learn that the speaker "has promises to keep," a little detail about the what and why of the speaker's actions and mood. Here, something comes to his mind, he ambles, and then he.... I left wanting a third thing, some indicator or clue, even if very vague, about his thoughts or about the person who came to his mind.
Something about it, this morning, in the gardens
came to mind.
*somehow I accidentally deleted "past backyard and bramble" when I was writing this. It seemed like that should come before the bus ride, like the speaker is leaving their house? Either way I really like that line. I also like "autumn of a life left behind." Maybe it should have been rephrased instead of cut? It contains for me some of that closure I left wanting.
Edit 1
Original (kind of)
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Thanks, Richard and CNL.
The speaker's thoughts, not the bus, are ambling through a fog bound city that he's left behind while the bus drives past suburban gardens. Judging from your responses, that wasn't sufficiently clear and I have added a comma after 'bramble' to sort that one out.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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Hi Achebe
I really like the atmospherics you set up here and the sense of melencholy you work into the lines, the ambuguity of something works well and lets the reader do the work, this I also like. Some minor comments on edit 2 below. Hope they help best Keith
(06-02-2017, 07:21 AM)Achebe Wrote: Edit 2
Something about you
this morning, with the roses if thery are blown in the next line would rose petals work better ?
blown delicately in the early winter Line break on delicatley? then include gardens in the early winter line, to me its smoother
gardens, came to my mind. MM is a bit of a mouthfull but nice sonics? you decide.
My thoughts have nothing to do but amble do you need My as repeated from previous line
on a dawn bus ride
past backyard and bramble, backyards ?
through a fog bound city,
its blackened brick walls
left behind. love the cold and melencoly in these lines
Something about it, this morning, in the gardens This is too much for me I would cut in the gardens as we already know.
came to mind.
Edit 1
Original (kind of)
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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[quote="Achebe" pid='229707' dateline='1496355696']
Edit 2
Something about you
this morning, with the roses
blown delicately in the early winter
gardens, came to my mind.
My thoughts have nothing to do but amble
on a dawn bus ride
past backyard and bramble,
through a fog bound city,
its blackened brick walls
left behind.
Something about it, this morning, in the gardens
came to mind.
I think that the poem is perfect as it stands. It beckons examination, but not too close; it permits, allows, encourages, requires the free association of self-reflection while also entering the mind of the author; the text doesn't get in the way
Yet, For the sake of argument, and because the poem is being workshopped; i.e. as an exercise for criticism. I'll make an attempt at advanced criticism. Which means if I'm not mistaken, I'll use the poem as a basis for an independent re-write. Like so:
Something about your heart this morning
so full of roses
that I was blown icily in the early winter
gardens
Nothing came to mind except for you -
My thoughts holding nothing, but ambling
on a dawn bus ride
past backyard and bramble,
through a fog-bound city,
its blackened brick walls
left behind.
Something about my stroll, this morning, in the gardens
came to mind.
plutocratic polyphonous pandering
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(07-13-2017, 03:10 AM)Thunderembargo Wrote: [quote="Achebe" pid='229707' dateline='1496355696']
Edit 2
Something about you
this morning, with the roses
blown delicately in the early winter
gardens, came to my mind.
My thoughts have nothing to do but amble
on a dawn bus ride
past backyard and bramble,
through a fog bound city,
its blackened brick walls
left behind.
Something about it, this morning, in the gardens
came to mind.
I think that the poem is perfect as it stands. It beckons examination, but not too close; it permits, allows, encourages, requires the free association of self-reflection while also entering the mind of the author; the text doesn't get in the way
Yet, For the sake of argument, and because the poem is being workshopped; i.e. as an exercise for criticism. I'll make an attempt at advanced criticism. Which means if I'm not mistaken, I'll use the poem as a basis for an independent re-write. Like so:
Something about your heart this morning
so full of roses
that I was blown icily in the early winter
gardens
Nothing came to mind except for you -
My thoughts holding nothing, but ambling
on a dawn bus ride
past backyard and bramble,
through a fog-bound city,
its blackened brick walls
left behind.
Something about my stroll, this morning, in the gardens
came to mind.
We usually try not to actually rewrite each other's poems so we'll leave it up to Achebe as to whether or not this is helpful crit. ella/admin
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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Proofers Edit
Edit 2
Something about you
—consider a comma after you
this morning, with the roses
—consider cutting "with"
blown delicately in the early winter
—strongly consider "delicate" instead of -ly. I think the idea is that the rose blooms are delicate, and not that they bloomed delicately
gardens, came to my mind.
—came to mind or to my mind?
My thoughts have nothing to do but amble
on a dawn bus ride
—ambiguity here. are the thoughts ambling on a dawn bus ride, or is that on a dawn bus ride, the narrator is bored. This is a significant issue. (
past backyard and bramble,
—super duper ambiguity. Are the thoughts ambling so or is this the bus route?
—consider "backyards," bc otw I think it's incredibly important you didn't use the plural
through a [fogbound] city,
—consider "foggy," as "fogbound" means "unable to move bc of fog"
its blackened brick walls
—consider omitting "its." Otw, I have to cast about for the antecedent
left behind.
—just about impossible to construe.
Something about it, this morning, in the gardens
—the "it" jars me, forces me to reread, then frustrates me. If that's your intent, no problem
came to mind.
—is the omission of "my" important?
This poem is baffling. Not sure if I'm happy about that. So . . .
The questions are"what is the something? who is 'you'?"
I want to say it's a poem about masturbation, but . . .
Gotta go, but I'll try to come back and elaborate.
A yak is normal.
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(07-16-2017, 12:45 PM)crow Wrote: I want to say it's a poem about masturbation, but . . .
I'm genuinely curious as to what led you to that train of thought.
Could you please care to elaborate?
PS - "fogbound city" is totally legit
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
multumnonmulta
Unregistered
Something about you
this morning, with the roses
blown delicately in the early winter "Delicately," consisting of four syllables, is the only word with that many sounds in the poem (there are no other words with more than two syllables). This was jarring to me when I read it aloud, and unless you really want this particular adverb to stand out, I would either eliminate it or find a less intrusive adverb.
gardens, came to my mind. Could you make "came to my mind" its own line, so as to become more parallel with (and foreshadow) the very last line? It would even make sense, in that case, to move "gardens" up to the previous line, because "gardens" again appears in the penultimate line before something else "[comes] to mind" at the end of the poem.
My thoughts have nothing to do but amble
on a dawn bus ride
past backyard and bramble, I love the combination of the words "past backyard." Although it is literally an image of a change in the spatial setting, there are rich implications about time, as well. It seems to hint that what "came to mind" earlier in the poem (lines 1-4) is something that occurred in the recent, though not necessarily immediate, past (reinforced by "left behind" three lines later).
through a fog bound city,
its blackened brick walls
left behind.
Something about it, this morning, in the gardens
came to mind.
I appreciate the contrasting imagery you employ in this piece. The beauty of the garden that bookends the poem is serene and, while not perfect ("early winter" implies that the garden won't be so beautiful for much longer), it is aesthetically preferable to the ugliness of the brick- and fog-bound city. I draw from this the inference that whatever happened between the speaker and the silent interlocutor (the unnamed"you" in line 1), was one of those experiences in life characterized by the odd oscillation from emotional destruction to elation - and back again, perhaps many times over - by way of a passionate but ultimately poisonous relationship. Even though it was objectively a damaging experience, the mind can't help but return to it with a sort of perverse fondness, despite the relative practical agreeableness of the present situation.
Have you ever read F. Marion Crawford's "For the Blood is the Life"? It is an early 20th century gothic story by an underrated writer in that genre; it immediately came to my mind after I finished reading your poem. I included a link to the story below, in case you are curious. Just a thought!
http://www.digital-eel.com/blog/library/bloodlife.htm
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Hi mult - thanks for reading and commenting. "Delicately" is all unstressed so should be ok meter wise regardless of syllable count. It could be that you're reading it differently.
Likewise, I'd like the reader to pause after "winter", hence the line break.
I'll take a look at the link!
PS - have noted the earlier point about "amble on" being confusing. Have inserted a comma to help things a bit
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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Achebe—you're kidding, right?
Imagined person-->roses-->blown; came-->boredom leading to daydream-->hidden places (backyard, bramble, intensely fogged-up town)-->dirtiness-->secretiveness (something about it)-->garden reference, with all that entails + came + imagination (to mind).
How is it *not* about masturbation???
Edit 2
Something about you
this morning, with the roses
blown delicately in the early winter
gardens, came to my mind.
My thoughts have nothing to do but amble,
on a dawn bus ride
past backyard and bramble,
through a fog bound city,
its blackened brick walls
left behind.
Something about it, this morning, in the gardens
came to mind.
A yak is normal.
Posts: 580
Threads: 71
Joined: Oct 2015
(08-03-2017, 01:28 PM)crow Wrote: Achebe—you're kidding, right?
Imagined person-->roses-->blown; came-->boredom leading to daydream-->hidden places (backyard, bramble, intensely fogged-up town)-->dirtiness-->secretiveness (something about it)-->garden reference, with all that entails + came + imagination (to mind).
How is it *not* about masturbation???
You're right. Everything is about masturbation. My bad.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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