The End of the World 0.01

[RiverNotch]

The End of the World


God must have spilled his box of paints today,
I'm fooled by the dream into believing
the end of the world is nigh: the cloudy yellow sunset
an ash plume or a mushroom cloud,
then the sky a rainbow, pastel
blues and pinks and golds
dusted with white stars,
two little silver cups
for moons, a red sun
always setting yet never hiding,
last a comet, a long cloudy stream of milk
turn suddenly vapor -- I'd woken up
only to fall asleep again.

The End of the World


God must have spilled his box of paints today,
I think, I'm fooled by the dream into believing
the end of the world is nigh: the cloudy yellow sunset
an ash plume or a mushroom cloud,
then the sky a rainbow, pastel
blues and pinks and golds
dusted with white stars,
two little silver cups
for moons, a red sun
always setting yet never hiding,
last a comet, a long cloudy stream of milk
turn suddenly vapor -- I'd woken up
only to fall asleep again.

[Brownlie]

The End of the World


God must have spilled his box of paints today, --Maybe cut out some prepositions here. 
I think, I'm fooled by the dream into believing -- Do you need to put a comma after the word think?
the end of the world is nigh: the cloudy yellow sunset
an ash plume or a mushroom cloud, -- Do you need an ash plume and a mushroom cloud?
then the sky a rainbow, pastel
blues and pinks and golds
dusted with white stars,
two little silver cups
for moons, a red sun
always setting yet never hiding,
last a comet, a long cloudy stream of milk
turn suddenly vapor -- I'd woken up
only to fall asleep again.

Liked this poem. If you want to edit, maybe delete some prepositions to make it more concise.

[nibbed]

I like this.
Funky form reflects personality.
Mushroom cloud is a bit dated/cliche, though.



-nibbed

[RiverNotch]

Thanks for the feedback. It seems someone edited their feedback, but as far as I remember nothing was lost. Very very slight cleaning up: I want to keep the first line IP, it sets a sort of rhythm-of-the-heart; and I didn't want to specify what sort of catastrophe is here, whether natural (Pinatubo in particular) or man-made.

[vagabond]

God must have spilled his box of paints today,
I'm fooled by the dream into believing                    i think "by the dream" is a little strange because it is not given which dream, also there´s quite a few "the´s" already. maybe write  "a dream fooled me into believing"?  
the end of the world is nigh: the cloudy yellow sunset             i ´d start a new line after nigh to let the end of the world sink in
an ash plume or a mushroom cloud,
then the sky a rainbow, pastel                    "then" seems like listing the observations, so maybe write something like "but a rainbow painted the sky.."  
blues and pinks and golds   
dusted with white stars,
two little silver cups              i´d put moon in this line, otherwise "for moons" sounds too much like "four moons" to me.. also i don´t quite get how the moon can appear like that (or did it break in half?) but i guess it´s probably just some phenomenon i don´t know about
for moons, a red sun
always setting yet never hiding,                              setting does not contradict not hiding, so maybe get rid of "yet" . i also don´t quite understand the "always" and "never" as the poem seems to talk about an event
last a comet, a long cloudy stream of milk                 could be just me but i have the same problem as with "then" here,  you could write "suddenly a comet.. "
turn suddenly vapor -- I'd woken up
only to fall asleep again.

i like the atmosphere in this poem, somewhere between awed and still half-asleep..  not sure if the last line means that the end of the world really happened or the subject died in a catastrophe or not..  well, if so at least it was pretty.