First Edit: No Such Things as Happy Endings

[Richard]

No Such Things as Happy Endings

I didn't know at the time,
but I was actually greeting death
when I kissed you goodbye.
Your cheek reeking
of poisonous medicine,
head bald.
I thought it was going
to be just another sleepless night
reading year old health magazines
in the hospital dayroom,
I thought I'd drink another cup
of cafeteria coffee
and comment to the cashier about the weather.
I was wrong.

When I slept the next morning, I dreamed
of my grandmother, drinking her third beer
from a porcelain mug. Beside her
was the grandfather I never met.
He smiled like a priest,
recited an unfamiliar prayer.
When he asked for my hand, I refused,
not out of fear, but because
I knew what he stole from you.

Original:
No Such Things as Happy Endings

Broken eyes finally fixed,
I was actually greeting death
when I kissed you goodbye last night.
Your cheek reeked of poisonous medicine,
head bald-
you used to tell me how dad first noticed
you because of your curly hair.

When I slept the next morning, the hidden sun
became my grandmother, drinking her third beer
from a porcelain mug. The hazy sky
the grandfather I never knew, distant
like what he stole from you.

[20_Hamilton_18]

Hey,
 
Few thoughts below for you
Johnny
 
No Such Things as Happy Endings

Broken eyes finally fixed,
I was actually greeting death
when I kissed you goodbye last night.
Your cheek reeked of poisonous medicine,
head bald-
you used to tell me how dad first noticed
you because of your curly hair.

Given that the eyes have been fixed, I don’t feel the broken of L1 is necessary. I don’t feel that actually adds anything in L2, would I greeted death work? I think the idea of L5 needs to be greatly expanded upon for it to not feel like you’re changing tangents at this point. For me because of this line the rest of the stanza feels out of context.

When I slept the next morning, the hidden sun
became my grandmother, drinking her third beer
from a porcelain mug. The hazy sky
the grandfather I never knew, distant
like what he stole from you

For me, this stanza doesn’t work as well as the first and feels like a distinct in itself. I would suggest trying to develop S1 really focusing in on the idea of the kiss and the greeting of death

[Richard]

Hey Johnny,
Thanks for the feedback. I actually got a bit stuck with this one as I was editing it, so I'm glad to hear what works and what doesn't.

Thanks again,
Richard

[nibbed]

No Such Things as Happy Endings

Broken eyes finally fixed,                                                     Perhaps broken eyes fixed, though the word finally leads us to something endured                              
I was actually greeting death
when I kissed you goodbye last night.
Your cheek reeked of poisonous medicine,
head bald-
you used to tell me how dad first noticed
you because of your curly hair.

When I slept the next morning, the hidden sun                 As I slept? Is this a dream that follows (eyes closed, hidden sun)
became my grandmother, drinking her third beer              or is Grandma's sneaking a beer offer sunshine somehow?
from a porcelain mug. The hazy sky                                  
the grandfather I never knew, distant                                I like how this gives a glimpse into the raw emotions and memories                           
like what he stole from you.                                                that are stirred at such a time.                         



Hi Richard, this poem seems a release of expression of a very hard moment.
A difficult, tiring, painful, subject matter. I hope all is well.


-nibbed

[Richard]

Hey Janine,
Thanks for the feedback. I plan on sitting down with this and hammering at it a bit. It's not quite where I want it to be yet.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Knot]

Hi Richard,
I wonder if you might reorder S1, as in;

I was actually greeting death
when I kissed you goodbye
last night. Your cheek reeked
of poisonous medicine,
[the bald head needs elaboration,
show rather than tell]
You used to tell me
Dad first noticed you
because of your hair,
[its curls...]

I agree with Johnny about S2 (and further developing S1) -
though you might possibly add a middle section that bridges
the gap between the two.
I don't think the title fits that well with S1,
that has a tenderness that the title lacks.


Best, Knot.

[Richard]

Hey Knot,
Thanks for the feedback. It's funny because "I was actually greeting death" was my original first line, but I changed it as I played around with this on my own. I'm planning on returning to that as the starting point because it was that line that sparked this poem in my brain.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Fatman Butter]

Hey Richard

I can't add much to what others (including you) have said. I think the broken eyes line doesn't need to be here. Also dad first noticed you isn't a good fit, it's just not a dad to daughter reaction that one day he notices curly hair that others haven't. Something of dad often ruffling her curly hair maybe...there's lots of options. If I'm honest, I must say I don't really understand the second stanza, for me it seems detached from the strong emotion of the first stanza.

[HersheyKiss]

No Such Things as Happy Endings

Broken eyes finally fixed, (Maybe change this to "my broken eyes were finally fixed"? You use the term "I" through out your whole poem yet omit this point of view here.)
I was actually greeting death
when I kissed you goodbye last night.
Your cheek reeked of poisonous medicine,
head bald-
you used to tell me how dad first noticed (- is this sentence one with the line below it? I feel like having a pause then "you because of your curly hair" dosnt quite fit. maybe add the word you in the above line.)
you because of your curly hair.
When I slept the next morning, the hidden sun (-same here this line pauses in an odd place. when you move to the next line its hard to connect the sentences.)
became my grandmother, drinking her third beer
from a porcelain mug. The hazy sky
the grandfather I never knew, distant
like what he stole from you. (-paint me a picture. Im confused as to what he stole from you. care to
elaborate? )

[Richard]

Hey Fatman Butter and HersheyKiss,
Thanks for the feedback. I've been letting this one sit for a bit before editing.

Thanks again,
Richard

[danny_]

Something rather sad going on here. I see it as a mother gone through chemo, and probably already passed away when kissed. 

No Such Things as Happy Endings

Broken eyes finally fixed, < don't understand. did they put some glasses on?
I was actually greeting death
when I kissed you goodbye last night.
Your cheek reeked of poisonous medicine,
head bald-
you used to tell me how dad first noticed
you because of your curly hair. < all of these lines are good.

When I slept the next morning, the hidden sun < i understand probably have been awake all night beside loved one, or unable to sleep thinking of that one.
became my grandmother, drinking her third beer < transpiring into an odd dream after sleep finally comes
from a porcelain mug. The hazy sky
the grandfather I never knew, distant
like what he stole from you. < I think this is the genetics passed down and thus he is being blamed for the death. 

If I'm anywhere near correct, or even if not, the second stanza could throw a lot of people off; it definitely threw me until I considered possibilities.

Some punctuation changes could help as well, but I'd worry about that after the clarity. I personally feel a poem can be as vague as you like until the end, when it must tie together and 'click' for the reader; at least potentially click after a few reads. but this still feels difficult to pull the true story from.

If you're not sure how to clarify it, you could just tell me the intended image, and I could help you with some polishing.

[Richard]

Hey Danny,
Thanks for the feedback. I've been letting this one sit for a bit because I want to really give it a good going over when I edit it, the second stanza especially. I like your interpretation of the last line by the way.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Richard]

Hey all,
I finally got to editing this one. Feel free to let me know if it's going in the right direction.

Thanks in advance,
Richard

[danny_]

You've introduced some clarity but also some unnecessary stuff that doesn't help the overall image. I know this isn't easy. Something that may help: meditate on the entire scene and make a list of the most important or touching aspects. Revolve the poem around those. That is probably vague advice.

No Such Things as Happy Endings

I didn't know at the time, < Perhaps avoid "I" at the very start of your poem unless the line is very engaging, but this line is a bit dull. You don't really need it.
but I was actually greeting death
when I kissed you goodbye. 
Your cheek reeking < Stick with past-tense if you're starting a new sentence. "Reeked"
of poisonous medicine, < poisonous is not technically fair, as it was intended to help, right? Toxic, though, undoubtedly.
head bald.
I thought it was going < Consider removing 'I' here again and the 'I' before 'thought', because if you let it run up to "I'd drink another cup", you can skip both those.
to be just another sleepless night < Line break on 'going' doesn't add much.
reading year old health magazines
in the hospital dayroom, < May not need this line because between "medicine" and "cafeteria" we can possibly assume hospital.
I thought I'd drink another cup
of cafeteria coffee
and comment to the cashier about the weather.
I was wrong. < Too bland and telling.

I should stop commenting on the grammar and line breaks. A larger issue here is I kind of miss the idea behind the old lines:
     you used to tell me how dad first noticed you 
     because of your curly hair.
These lines bring the relationship into the picture and create a more touching image. I modified the line break too.

When I slept the next morning, I dreamed
of my grandmother, drinking her third beer < Perhaps grandma doesn't really need to be mentioned as she doesn't seem to be related to the meaning of this poem.
from a porcelain mug. Beside her < I know it's a dream but dreaming of grandma drinking a 3rd (specifically 3rd) beer doesn't help the overall image of the poem for me.
was the grandfather I never met.
He smiled like a priest, < I'm not sure exactly how a priest smiles, because they all look different.
recited an unfamiliar prayer.
When he asked for my hand, I refused, < Not sure why he's asking for your hand, but it is a dream after all.
not out of fear, but because
I knew what he stole from you. < I know what you want to do with this line but only because we talked about it. For the reader this is still very vague. Perhaps "passed on to you"?

There's a ways to go to get this to the point of fluid clarity. It's all worth while, we learn as we go when we post here. Keep it up, ponder the image you want to convey, make every line count and remember to capture the relationship so we can feel something when we read this. There's a lot of lines about a dream and so few about the real issue. Take your time. Look forward to an update.

[Richard]

Hey Danny,
Thanks for the feedback. You gave me ideas to think about, especially in regards to the additions I made to this poem. I was unsure about the "I was wrong" line, so greatly appreciate the thoughts there.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Knot]

Hi Richard,
the revision's a bit hit an miss to me, I'm afraid,
the tone seems rather uneven (and I'm still
not sure about the title).

No Such Things as Happy Endings

I didn't know at the time,
but I was actually greeting death
when I kissed you goodbye.
Your cheek reeking
It probably should be 'reeked',
but 'cheek reeked' is not good.
of poisonous medicine,
head bald.
I think you could cut 'head bald'
and not lose anything.
I thought it was going
to be just another sleepless night
reading year old health magazines
in the hospital dayroom,
maybe switch the last two lines
(to go from' night' to 'dayroom' more swiftly)
I do like a sleepless night in the dayroom.
I thought I'd drink another cup
of cafeteria coffee
and comment to the cashier about the weather.
too much alliteration
I was wrong.
How were you wrong?
And if you didn't do what you thought
you were going to do, what did you do?

When I slept the next morning, I dreamed
do you need 'When I slept the next morning'?
of my grandmother, drinking her third beer
from a porcelain mug. Beside her
Probably 'next to my' to avoid the repetion of 'her'
was the grandfather I never met.
He smiled like a priest,
(Maybe, 'Smiling like...reciting... ?)
recited an unfamiliar prayer.
When he asked for my hand, I refused,
the ambiguity of 'asked for my hand'
is, I think, problematic.
not out of fear, but because
I knew what he stole from you.
Could you rephrase as;
I wouldn't take his hand
because I know what he stole
from you ?


Hope there's something of use.

Best, Knot.

[Richard]

Hey Knot,
Thanks for the feedback. Might let this one sit for a bit more before attempting another edit. I think this falls into the category of I know what I want to say, but something is getting lost between me and the words on the page/screen.

Thanks again,
Richard

[danny_]

I know the feeling, Richard, all too well. But don't give up on it.