July

[nozaki]

edit 2. probably the last one. title is staying as July, it has connotations to it (thick-summer-inertia-langurous--) that i can't see off. 
The rains bear gifts of starlight by their long arms, 
but there is no youth in the stars' breaths. 
Only melancholy, thin-bodied, classical, and sharp, 
and the promise that it always be beautiful. 

Blood breaks in the bath, wave reduced
to a shy finger in lukewarm water. Gorgeous, pink, 
too peaky, too fine a color for her brand of violence, 
she needs it to be elegantly clever. Obscene. 

The sky opens, laughing gaily, and she could shut it up
right now: she could climb out, turn around, 
point, and beat the world to its knees. But first
she needs to be clean. 

She washes her face over the sink, and the water burns, 
and her heart breaks. It is a shallow break, snapped only
for the photographs that fail to catch
the slow-motion inversion of her ribs, her lungs. 

It is July when she surfaces. Time to reinvent. 
Pressured ever inwards by a fuck-my-life whisper-
slash-scream, breathless, small, 
she goes outwards, stretching, wanting. 

edit 1. (tentative title(s): Look At Me, and Grieve; Grieve; Elegance, and Cleanliness, in July; I am really, in retrospect, terrible at writing poems that inspire appropriate titles. Or perhaps just generally poems.) 
Blood breaks in the bath, the wave a shy finger 
in lukewarm water. Gorgeous, pink,
too peaky, too fine a color for her brand of violence, 
she needs it to be obscene. Elegantly clever. 

The rains bear gifts of starlight upon their long arms, 
but there is no youth in the clean breaths of the stars. 
Only melancholy, thin-bodied, classical, and sharp, 
and the promise that it will be beautiful. 
The sky opens, laughing gaily, and she could shut it up right now, 
she could climb out of it, and turn around, 
and point, and beat the world to its knees. 
But first she needs to be clean. 

She washes her face over the sink, and the water burns, 
and her heart breaks. It is a shallow break, bluntly displayed, 
snapped only because she needed a heart to break for her, 
and hers was the closest, and most convenient. 
Because her lungs collapse, pressured ever inwards
by the breathlessness of a fuck-my-life whisper-slash-scream,
she goes outwards, stretching, wanting, always 

original. 
Blood breaks in the bath, the wave reduced
to a shy finger in the lukewarm water. However gorgeous,
pink is too peaky too fine a color for her brand of violence, 
she needs it to be obscene. She needs it to be clever. 
The rains bear gifts of starlight upon their long arms, 
but there is no youth to the pure breaths of a star. 
There is only melancholy, thin-bodied, classical, and sharp, and time. 
The sky opens, laughing gayly, and she could shut it up
right now, she could climb out the sky and just. Leave. 
But first she needs to be clean. 
She washes her face over the sink, tap smelling like schnapps, 
peach, liquid courage because the abstract type is uninspired,
and the water burns, and her heart breaks. It is a shallow
break, bluntly presented, resting on the laurels 
of a breathless fuck-my-life whisper-slash-scream. 
Because her lungs collapse inwards, 
she goes outwards, stretching, wanting, always

[rowens]

Blood breaks in the bath, the wave reduced
to a shy finger in the lukewarm water. However gorgeous,
pink is too peaky too fine a color for her brand of violence, 
she needs it to be obscene. She needs it to be clever. 

All right, you have a start.




The rains bear gifts of starlight upon their long arms, 


The rains' arms or the stars', or does it matter?


but there is no youth to the pure breaths of a star.


This is one of the lines that's interesting, yet somehow not enough.


 
There is only melancholy, thin-bodied, classical, and sharp, and time. 


Another thin flash of interestingness. 



The sky opens, laughing gayly, and she could shut it up
right now, she could climb out the sky and just. Leave. 

The best part.



But first she needs to be clean. 

(And maybe still more clever; or maybe that doesn't matter so much anymore. At the moment.)



She washes her face over the sink, tap smelling like schnapps, 
peach, liquid courage because the abstract type is uninspired,


Mostly because she doesn't feel any? But, then, you said "uninspired" not 'uninspiring'. Or did you?

and the water burns, and her heart breaks. It is a shallow
break, bluntly presented, resting on the laurels 


Good, for the personality it's describing.


of a breathless fuck-my-life whisper-slash-scream. 
Because her lungs collapse inwards, 
she goes outwards, stretching, wanting, always

[Knot]

Hi nozaki.

I don 't think playing with punctuation helps this piece,
it's strong enough in the writing not to need (what might
be seen as) a gimmick. What it does need is editing.
Some suggestions below.

July
It's not that interesting a title.

Blood breaks in the bath, the wave reduced
to a shy finger in the lukewarm water. However gorgeous,
pink is too peaky too fine a color for her brand of violence,
she needs it to be obscene. She needs it to be clever.
It might be a bit more 'readable' broken up into four line verses.

The rains bear gifts of starlight upon their long arms,
but there is no youth to the pure breaths of a star.
should it be 'in the pure...'?
There is only melancholy, thin-bodied, classical,
and sharp, and time. The sky opens, laughing gayly,
do you mean 'gaily'?

and she could shut it up right now, she could climb
out the sky and just. Leave. But first she needs to be
is there an 'of' missing between 'out' and 'the'?
(Also, do you need to repeat 'the sky')
not convinced by the period after 'just'. If you need the pause,
why not ellipsis?
clean. She washes her face over the sink,
tap smelling like schnapps, peach, liquid courage
similarly why not simply 'peach schnapps' ?
Perhaps either 'hot' or 'cold' for 'liquid'?

because the abstract type is uninspired, and the water burns,
'abstract type' doesn't make much sense to me among all
these boldly drawn images, I'd suggest cutting it.
It's also the first of two 'because'.
and her heart breaks. It is a shallow break, bluntly presented,
A 'shallow break' suggests it's not serious. In which case,
why all the angst in the piece?
'bluntly presented' ?
resting on the laurels of a breathless fuck-my-life whisper
'resting on the laurels of' seems to be trying a bit to hard
(again I'd suggest cutting it)
-slash-scream. Because her lungs collapse inwards,

she goes outwards, stretching, wanting, always
might be more effective to end on wanting (with or without
a period)?


Hope I'm not crossing a line, but here's a suggested edit.


Blood breaks in the bath, the wave a shy finger
in the lukewarm water. [G]orgeous, pink[,]
too peaky[,] too fine a color for her brand of violence,
she needs it to be obscene[,] to be clever.

The rains bear gifts of starlight but there is no youth
[in] the pure breaths of a star, only melancholy,
thin-bodied, classical and sharp[. A]nd time.
The sky opens, laughing [gaily. S]he could shut it up

right now, she could climb out and just... Leave. But
first she needs to be clean. She washes her face[,] the tap
smell[s] like peach schnapps, the water burns, and her heart
breaks [in] a breathless fuck-my-life whisper-slash-scream.

Because her lungs collapse inwards, she goes
outwards, stretching, wanting


Enjoyed the read. hope this is of some use.

Best, Knot.




Enjoyed the read. hope this is of some use.

Best, Knot.

[Richard]

Hey nozaki,
Welcome to the site  

I like a lot of the imagery here. I think you need to play around with the punctuation and some of the wording though:

Blood breaks in the bath, the wave reduced -Do baths have waves in them? I feel like may be rewording to "ripple" might be more effective. 
to a shy finger in the lukewarm water. However gorgeous,
pink is too peaky too fine a color for her brand of violence, -Need a comma after "peaky".
she needs it to be obscene. She needs it to be clever. -I don't know if I'm sold on the repetition of "she needs it to be". It sounds nice, but doesn't need the emphasis that is supposed to come from repetition. May be reword to: "she needs it to be obscene, clever." To me, that gives better emphasis to the word "clever".
The rains bear gifts of starlight upon their long arms, 
but there is no youth to the pure breaths of a star.
There is only melancholy, thin-bodied, classical, and sharp, and time. -Again, the repetition here is unnecessary. Maybe rewrite as: "There is only melancholy: thin-bodied, classical, sharp, timely" This might affect your intended meaning, but you don't need the repetition here. 
The sky opens, laughing gayly, and she could shut it up
right now, she could climb out the sky and just. Leave. -The "Leave" by itself as a sentence doesn't add the desired emphasis, but I actually found it distracting.
But first she needs to be clean. -I like the this line because it works on a literal level and metaphorically. Not to get too grammatical here, but the sentence fragment is justified here.
She washes her face over the sink, tap smelling like schnapps, 
peach, liquid courage because the abstract type is uninspired, -To me, "liquid courage" borders on cliche, so I would suggest rewording this line to something like: "the only courage she tastes because the abstract type is uninspired".
and the water burns, and her heart breaks. It is a shallow
break, bluntly presented, resting on the laurels -Again, "resting on the laurels" seems cliched to me, so I would suggest rewording it.
of a breathless fuck-my-life whisper-slash-scream. -I love this line except that I think you need to play around with the "whisper-slash-cream". Maybe say something like: "whispering scream" or "screaming whisper". I think that the use of oxymoron here would be effective.
Because her lungs collapse inwards, 
she goes outwards, stretching, wanting, always -Should the last line be "always" or "alone"? Just a thought.

Overall, I think you have a good first draft here, and I look forward to seeing where you take this from here.

Cheers,
Richard

[Todd]

Hi Nozaki,

Let me give you some comments on your poem.

The title, in my opinion, does nothing for you. It doesn't build tension, isn't evocative, and doesn't pull the reader in.

Blood breaks in the bath, the wave reduced--Blood gets attention immediately. I like this opening line for its alliteration.
to a shy finger in the lukewarm water. However gorgeous,--shy finger is nice imagery and personification. Gorgeous doesn't usually work for me but in this case there is a slight irony in the context that sells it. Don't think you need the "the" before lukewarm.
pink is too peaky too fine a color for her brand of violence, --So, what I get from this is cutter. Nothing more urgent since anything more wouldn't really require cleverness.
she needs it to be obscene. She needs it to be clever. 
The rains bear gifts of starlight upon their long arms,--This is a lovely, evocative line. These are the moments that make your poem soar. 
but there is no youth to the pure breaths of a star. --Again great follow up line. Alternatively, you could choose to open the poem with these two lines and then slowly provide clues and context. Just a thought.
There is only melancholy, thin-bodied, classical, and sharp, and time. 
The sky opens, laughing gayly, and she could shut it up--like what you do with the second phrase here. It snaps the poem back from the emotional release and the grandeur. 
right now, she could climb out the sky and just. Leave. --This line felt awkward and broke the momentum you were building.
But first she needs to be clean. 
She washes her face over the sink, tap smelling like schnapps,--Not sure the schnapps, peach adds much 
peach, liquid courage because the abstract type is uninspired,--liquid courage is just a cliche. It broke the moment for me. The ideas your wrestling with are good, but that phrase needs to go.
and the water burns, and her heart breaks. It is a shallow--her heart breaks is just not interesting enough. You can do better.
break, bluntly presented, resting on the laurels--resting on her laurels is also cliche. Please rephrase. I'm losing trust in the piece.
of a breathless fuck-my-life whisper-slash-scream. 
Because her lungs collapse inwards, 
she goes outwards, stretching, wanting, always--No issue with the last lines, but the buildup before them needs to be salvaged to give us an adequate payoff.

I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd

[nozaki]

@rowens interesting thoughts and very appreciated.
@knot you are a critical genius, and all of your suggestions have been duly noted.
@richard i decided on waves because waves "break" (as in the crest, the white foam and surfers and etc.), but i think i am growing too attached to that particular connection. maybe.
@todd i have cut the schnapps line (it was a last minute add on and now that i am hungover writing this, schnapps no longer seems so appetizing an image) and other various cliches, although i have kept the heartbreak. the most cliche of all but i did try to expand and rework it a bit.

in general,
the title has been July for as long as i can remember it, so long that it has lost its original connection with the poem since the poem itself has changed completely several times. i refer to it in my head as "the poem in july" and need to change that.

[Knot]

Hi nozaki,
much improved by the edit, good work!
Have you thought about a title in the
'ritual purification/cleansing/bathing' area?
You might want to keep an eye on how many
times you use 'and', it becomes a bit noticeable.

Blood breaks in the bath, the wave a shy finger
in lukewarm water. Gorgeous, pink,
too peaky, too fine a color for her brand of violence,
she needs it to be obscene. Elegantly clever.
(Not sure it's necessary, but just for consideration,
...be obscene, elegant, clever.)

The rains bear gifts of starlight upon their long arms,
but there is no youth in the clean breaths of the stars.
Little bit of a muddled (perhaps), how about'
but there is no youth in the stars' clean breaths.
Only melancholy, thin-bodied, classical, and sharp,
and the promise that it will be beautiful.
I'm not keen on the switch from interior (S1) to exterior (S2),
would the piece still work if you started with this verse,
then 'Blood breaks...', then 'The sky opens...' ?

The sky opens, laughing gaily, and she could shut it up right now,
I'd suggest breaking the line on 'up' (visually it looks unbalanced).
she could climb out of it, and turn around,
and point, and beat the world to its knees.
But first she needs to be clean.

She washes her face over the sink, and the water burns,
and her heart breaks. It is a shallow break, bluntly displayed,
Still have to question 'shallow', it it really the best description?
(Rather conflicts with 'lungs collapse' and 'fuck-my...' )
how about 'brittle fracture'?
snapped only because she needed a heart to break for her,
and hers was the closest, and most convenient.
not sure that these add much, if anything

Because her lungs collapse, pressured ever inwards
by the breathlessness of a fuck-my-life whisper-slash-scream,
she goes outwards, stretching, wanting, always
(Still think 'always' is unnecessary).

You could combine the final two verses as:
She washes her face over the sink, and the water burns,
and her heart breaks, lungs collapse, pressured
ever inwards by the breathlessness of a fuck-my-life whisper
-slash-scream[. And] she goes outwards, stretching, wanting


Hope this helps.

Best, Knot.

[homer1950]

Like the other piece I commented on I believe you are trying to hard. You are a good writer and very descriptive, I would say edit this down to only what you want say.  I will give you the “Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid” advice. One stick of dynamite opens the safe two sticks blows up the money. There are plenty of poems in your future and you have a nice arsenal of words. You don’t need to use them all, all the time. Hope this helps
Homer

[nozaki]

@knot again, thanks for the help! i have reordered it so to alternate between external and internal, although the last stanza is really neither. as for the use of 'shallow,' i have tried to differentiate between that and 'collapse' in this edit. hope it appears less contradictory.
@homer1950 unfortunately i have no idea how to try less. in terms of style, i am capable of a more narrative flow, but you are very right: even in school, and in life, i tend to write in an almost archaic manner. if you have any suggestions on potential cuts, do speak.