I Used to Love Her

[Metgiantfan24]

I Used to Love Her


We used to do everything together, always by my side, no matter the situation,
Blown away by her wind like love, she aged slow, like watching leaves turn, she made me patient.


She captivated me, pair her gentleness with her landscape,
And unbeknownst to me, she tried hard to keep her man safe... from


Anyone else who could, potentially steal me away,
Still growing, she had my heart, and she never wanted me to change,


I will never forget the first time, I looked and was amazed,
How it seemed she was made for me, I didn’t want to wait... I was hers.


Giving in to, any desire,
The spark of our connection would have dwarfed the forest fires... of concern.


I never realized that while giving everything to her,
I was just living a lie, masquerading, so absurd.


Pretending this was all that was left for me,
Stuck in a relationship, one I was never meant to be... in.


I thought, how could I ever let this situation happen,
But she is real good to me, it’s not THAT bad being trapped in... Or so I thought.


Until the day that I saw, you.



Dripping in affection, your love was the most intimate and true,
You look at me with conviction, from that moment, I knew what I had to do.


See, it seemed so easy, but you knew she wouldn’t want to leave me,
She had rooted herself so deep, she fought so hard to come between me... and You.


You were there since the beginning,
I never noticed all the ways you fought for me, that’s when I started reminiscing.


It wasn’t her landscape that had me enamored and intoxicated,
But the way you shaped the mountains, and how the fields you decorated, so amazing.


Not her summer wind, the wind that cooled me on a warm August day,
It was your whispers that spoke your life into this man, your subtle foreplay. You got me hooked.


From that moment, you opened up my eyes,
No more would I fall victim, and be caught up in these lies... of hers.


I told her I used to love her, her tears filled the lakes and seas,
I could not live another day while she has a hold on me... I’m done.


It’s about time, let’s get this out the way,


Dear World,


I am writing this to inform you that our relationship has reached a point of no return,
The time we shared was precious, but I am no longer your concern.


My heart belongs to the one while on the cross, thought of me by name,
Who knows my sins, but yet chose to love me just the same... unlike you.


So while it may pain me to say this, I know it must be done,
I cannot love you both, and I have chosen only one… And it’s Jesus.


So consider this my resignation from our relationship unfurled,
Time so say goodbye,


I used to love a girl named World.

---

This is a Spoken Word poem based off the Bible verse 1 John 2:15... it may read a little weird since it is intended on being read a specific way.

[billy]

hi metgiantfan, after a few reads what strikes me most are the amount of cliches that run throughout the poem. you start off in the first couplet with a simile and then there's no more for quite a while. a suggestion would be to swap out cliched [well used phrases] for some original thoughts about the same thing. while it's okay to use words like love, they convey little if any meaning or emotion.
how did she have your heart? it the how that's important to the reader. make the simile you use work well [blown away by her wind like love] does love blow people away like wind? often a simile is easy to rework,

the choice between god and the woman is clearly stated. try and tighten lines up into as few words as possible. be less wordy

I Used to Love Her


We used to do everything together, always by my side, no matter the situation,
Blown away by her wind like love, she aged slow, like watching leaves turn, she made me patient.


She captivated me, pair her gentleness with her landscape,
And unbeknownst to me, she tried hard to keep her man safe... from


Anyone else who could, potentially steal me away,
Still growing, she had my heart, and she never wanted me to change,


I will never forget the first time, I looked and was amazed,
How it seemed she was made for me, I didn’t want to wait... I was hers.


Giving in to, any desire,
The spark of our connection would have dwarfed the forest fires... of concern.


I never realized that while giving everything to her,
I was just living a lie, masquerading, so absurd.


Pretending this was all that was left for me,
Stuck in a relationship, one I was never meant to be... in.


I thought, how could I ever let this situation happen,
But she is real good to me, it’s not THAT bad being trapped in... Or so I thought.


Until the day that I saw, you.



Dripping in affection, your love was the most intimate and true,
You look at me with conviction, from that moment, I knew what I had to do.


See, it seemed so easy, but you knew she wouldn’t want to leave me,
She had rooted herself so deep, she fought so hard to come between me... and You.


You were there since the beginning,
I never noticed all the ways you fought for me, that’s when I started reminiscing.


It wasn’t her landscape that had me enamored and intoxicated,
But the way you shaped the mountains, and how the fields you decorated, so amazing.


Not her summer wind, the wind that cooled me on a warm August day,
It was your whispers that spoke your life into this man, your subtle foreplay. You got me hooked.


From that moment, you opened up my eyes,
No more would I fall victim, and be caught up in these lies... of hers.


I told her I used to love her, her tears filled the lakes and seas,
I could not live another day while she has a hold on me... I’m done.


It’s about time, let’s get this out the way,


Dear World,


I am writing this to inform you that our relationship has reached a point of no return,
The time we shared was precious, but I am no longer your concern.


My heart belongs to the one while on the cross, thought of me by name,
Who knows my sins, but yet chose to love me just the same... unlike you.


So while it may pain me to say this, I know it must be done,
I cannot love you both, and I have chosen only one… And it’s Jesus.


So consider this my resignation from our relationship unfurled,
Time so say goodbye,


I used to love a girl named World.
This poem is based off the Bible verse 1 John 2:15

---

This poem is based off the Bible verse 1 John 2:15

[dukealien]

I Used to Love Her


We used to do everything together, always by my side, no matter the situation,
Blown away by her wind like love, she aged slow, like watching leaves turn, she made me patient. A nice line - hyphen in "wind-like" assumed but also reads without, same with "slow" vs. "slowly."


She captivated me, pair her gentleness with her landscape,  "pairing," perhaps
And unbeknownst to me, she tried hard to keep her man safe... from


Anyone else who could, potentially steal me away,  comma after "potentially," or no comma before
Still growing, she had my heart, and she never wanted me to change,


I will never forget the first time, I looked and was amazed,
How it seemed she was made for me, I didn’t want to wait... I was hers. excellent foreshadowing - world *was* created for you, by...


Giving in to, any desire,
The spark of our connection would have dwarfed the forest fires... of concern. a little obscure, to me


I never realized that while giving everything to her,
I was just living a lie, masquerading, so absurd.


Pretending this was all that was left for me,
Stuck in a relationship, one I was never meant to be... in.


I thought, how could I ever let this situation happen,
But she is real good to me, it’s not THAT bad being trapped in... Or so I thought.


Until the day that I saw, you. very dramatic turn, good use of white space after



Dripping in affection, your love was the most intimate and true, 
You look at me with conviction, from that moment, I knew what I had to do. nice use of "conviction" = of crime (sin) as well as assurance


See, it seemed so easy, but you knew she wouldn’t want to leave me,
She had rooted herself so deep, she fought so hard to come between me... and You.  capitalization a clue easily missed - at this point I was still seeing the second girlfriend


You were there since the beginning,
I never noticed all the ways you fought for me, that’s when I started reminiscing.


It wasn’t her landscape that had me enamored and intoxicated, perhaps change to more active phrasing, e.g. "that enamored and intoxicated me"
But the way you shaped the mountains, and how the fields you decorated, so amazing.


Not her summer wind, the wind that cooled me on a warm August day,
It was your whispers that spoke your life into this man, your subtle foreplay. You got me hooked.


From that moment, you opened up my eyes,
No more would I fall victim, and be caught up in these lies... of hers.


I told her I used to love her, her tears filled the lakes and seas,
I could not live another day while she has a hold on me... I’m done.  should be "had," or "can" - this is happening either present or past, not both at once


It’s about time, let’s get this out the way,  indicating previous line should be present tense


Dear World,


I am writing this to inform you that our relationship has reached a point of no return,
The time we shared was precious, but I am no longer your concern.


My heart belongs to the one while on the cross, thought of me by name, capitalize "One?" Just a thought.  Second turn here!
Who knows my sins, but yet chose to love me just the same... unlike you. "yet" or "but," not both


So while it may pain me to say this, I know it must be done,
I cannot love you both, and I have chosen only one… And it’s Jesus.


So consider this my resignation from our relationship unfurled, I see the rhyme to "World," but "unfurled" should also form a fitting image - this note flapping in the breeze?  Perhaps a different word to rhyme with "World."
Time so say goodbye,


I used to love a girl named World.

---

This poem is based off the Bible verse 1 John 2:15

This is a case where, frankly, I'm glad it's Basic Critique.  Not because there's so much of it, but because it excuses a higher-level appreciation without as much nitty-gritty (but some of that, see above).

The poem has two turns, one distinct, the other gradual and then fairly sudden.  The first is when a second love is introduced, the second as (and when) it's finally admitted that the second love is literally not of this world.  Both surprised me on first reading, and on second I went through picking up clues.

In my estimation, this is a very timely and well-timed work.  Many are confused, and there is a real cult of Mother Earth in vogue which, more and more, seems to war against older more universal religions.  This work depicts - shows, in many cases - a process of returning (one might say, maturing) into religion from cult... the reverse of the path many Boomers have followed.  The timing is also effective, in that it seems at first to conform to the Gaea mythos (or at least conventional aspects of it, which seem to describe a human lover), then takes the unexpected tack, twice.

Locked-in Gaea believers may find this poem troubling, maybe even triggering.  It steps on their toes by denying that they have the seal of the dispensations.  Nothing wrong with that, just have an iron umbrella ready for the slings and arrows.

A final general note:  use of capitalization for each line, when not required by sentence structure, is dieprecated by many on this site and elsewhere as archaic.  I'm more open-minded, but you might see what your poem looks like with only capitalization required by sentence structure and proper names (including "One" when it refers to a specific Person).  On the upside, it gives them more impact and makes the structure easier to follow.

I like this work, and found it suitably uncomfortable given my own religious preferences.  Very good!

[celticdog]

The language seems to me a bit pedestrian and lacking, not in an unimaginative way but rather a guarded manner.  Its almost as if the writer's psyche  is reflecting or perhaps grappling with the relationship for the first time.  Its the gestalt of a not quite clear perception.  I felt like I was listening to a friend who just had an epiphany but not fully immersed in the magnitude of his/her revelation. I really like it. Perhaps thats my issue with it.... I want to hear more.