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Late February
Spring’s unstealthy early
warm wild winds
wound Winter mortally
pale darkness seems to seep
through blinds and bleeds
out hoarded health
leaving us listless
vainly awaiting Easter which
too many will not reach
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(02-20-2022, 06:30 AM)dukealien Wrote: Late February
Spring comes unstealth’ly early
winter beheads itself with warm wild winds
cloud suffocates its cold
thirsty pale darkness seems to seep
through window blinds yet bleeds
us of our winter-hoarded heat
to slake these season-slaying gales
that leave us lurching listless
vainly awaiting Easter which
too many may not reach.
the lines in green I thought were very well done.
the rest of the poem is a bit overcooked for my liking, taking too long to get to the denouement.
I didn't care much for winter-hoarded heat or season-slaying gales. They sound forced.
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Hey Duke-
Those temporary thaws are always welcome here in VA
Spring comes unstealth’ly early
winter beheads itself with warm wild winds
cloud suffocates its cold
thirsty pale darkness seems to seep
through window blinds yet bleeds
us of our winter-hoarded heat
to slake these season-slaying gales
that leave us lurching listless
vainly awaiting Easter which
too many may not reach.
For me, this one is striving to reach that final line, which is quite unexpected. Some of my favorite phrases are: warm wild winds pale darkness seems to seep. Some of the other language is a bit over-the-top for me, like leave us lurching listless.
Still, it altogether doesn't add up to the ending.
As you know, I always strip things down, and attempted a stripped down version, below. I was trying to see how I could arrive at that last line, but did not succeed. I think some previous lines need to reference the pandemic (which is what I take is what you're alluding to with the end line).
This is a tricky one.
Spring soon,
wild winds warming winter,
still, lingering darkness bleeds
through blinds
longing for sunny Easter,
which many may not reach.
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edit;
Spring’s unstealthy early
warm wild winds
wound Winter mortally
pale darkness seems to seep
through blinds and bleeds
out hoarded health
leaving us listless
vainly awaiting Easter which
too many will not reach
Thanks to both critics. I've tried to dilute the purple phrases in this edit as well as sustain a theme which terminates at the end. Late winter malaise, anyone?
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.
Hi duke,
not that keen on the edit, I thought this
An Early Spring
warm wild winds
cloud suffocates cold
winter beheads itself ......... standout line, for me.
worked well by itself.
The remainder
Spring’s unstealthy early
pale darkness seems to seep
through blinds and bleeds
out hoarded health
leaving us listless
vainly awaiting Easter which
too many will not reach
sort of works, but I'm left wondering why (and quite possibly how) it 'bleeds out hoarded health' and the significance of Easter? 'Seeps' and 'bleeds out' seem rather similar (in physical process), and the former is a bit at odds with 'unstealthy' isn't it?
Spring unstealthy
pale darkness searches
through blinds and bleeds
our hoarded health
leaving us listless ......... why 'listless' and how will Easter change that? Obviously I'm missing something.
vainly awaiting Easter which
too many will not reach
Best, Knot
.
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"winds wound Winter mortally pale darkness seems to seep" seems a bit too much, when the rest seem to form, more or less, coherent sentences.
Is the "pale darkness" supposed to issue from Spring or Winter? And the way it's written, the darkness bleeds "hoarded health" -- heat made much more sense -- that saps the speaker of strength, either while they are vainly waiting, or as well as makes them vainly wait.
Easter could be a mere seasonal reference, but with all this talk of wounding and bleeding and waiting and failing to reach, the poem risks communicating eschatology. Which could be interesting, but is otherwise confused -- Jesus is wounded at Good Friday and rises again on Easter, but here the Winter is wounded at February and is supposed to make some sort of long-awaited comeback at the same date? Or Jesus is the Winter that bleeds pale darkness, and too many who wait for him wait vainly, but, again, Winter supposedly comes back at Easter? I dunno, I feel like it's better to describe the seasons more plainly, and to let such plain description signify what it'll signify, than to impose so much anthropomorphism on the weather without any real end.
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[quote="dukealien" pid='257768' dateline='1645306248']
Late February
Spring’s unstealthy early
warm wild winds
wound Winter mortally - feel like there is too much alliteration going on here,it doesn't read out loud very easy, you could lose 'unstealthy' and 'wild' and it would still work. however i think that 'winter beheads itself with warm wild winds' from the first version is worth keeping
pale darkness seems to seep - do you need 'seems to' - seeps
through blinds and bleeds
out hoarded health
leaving us listless
vainly awaiting Easter which
too many will not reach - like these last two lines
Hi Duke,
although this is a better poem it feels like you've overworked the original and lost a couple of nice images.
I like the symbology that is open to interpretation.
cheers
mark
wae aye man ye radgie
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(03-22-2022, 02:55 AM)ambrosial revelation Wrote: [quote="dukealien" pid='257768' dateline='1645306248']
Late February
Spring’s unstealthy early
warm wild winds
wound Winter mortally - feel like there is too much alliteration going on here,it doesn't read out loud very easy, you could lose 'unstealthy' and 'wild' and it would still work. however i think that 'winter beheads itself with warm wild winds' from the first version is worth keeping
pale darkness seems to seep - do you need 'seems to' - seeps
through blinds and bleeds
out hoarded health
leaving us listless
vainly awaiting Easter which
too many will not reach - like these last two lines
Hi Duke,
although this is a better poem it feels like you've overworked the original and lost a couple of nice images.
I like the symbology that is open to interpretation.
cheers
mark
Much as I hate failing to respond properly to all this good critique, I'm going to have to give the poem a thorough re-think. One of those cases where it seemed at least a little inspired when written, but when you take "re" out of inspired you're left with insipid.
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