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Threads: 2
Joined: Mar 2021
We sleep with our heads
turned away from each other,
mine facing the windowpane
steeped in grey winter sky
gazing into a horizon of nothingness.
His immersed in a window of opportunities
Unraveling in his phone
Tabs slicing into new tabs
as tidbits of stocks, jobs, and real estate
clutter his phone with dizzying speed,
unmoored,
much like the thought ribbons inside my head.
Every few minutes, this silence is ruptured
by an excited realization
or a scornful comment---
a verbal instrument of care.
Every few minutes, I offer him a nod
as a sign of my presence---
nay, existence.
Posts: 254
Threads: 137
Joined: Feb 2022
(11-13-2022, 08:51 AM)vinitakshv Wrote: We sleep with our heads If you are sleeping how is he looking at his phone, and you out the window?
turned away from each other,
mine facing the windowpane
steeped in grey winter sky
gazing into a horizon of nothingness.
His immersed in a window of opportunity
Unraveling on his phone
Tabs slicing into new tabs Dicing would work better.
as tidbits of stocks, jobs, and real estate
clutter his phone with dizzying speed,
unmoored,
much like the thought ribbons inside my head. This line is too vague. It has potential. What are the ribbons doing?
Every few minutes, this silence is ruptured
by an excited realization
or a scornful comment---
a verbal instrument of care.
Every few minutes, I offer him a nod
as a sign of my presence---
nay, existence.
I sliced some of this down and made a couple small tweeks. Do you like it?
....
The double spacing takes away from the poem's structure.
Add spaces where there is suspense, the rest should build up to this.
The title is weak, and does not tie into the story that well. Brainstorm a little. Titles are difficult.
I appreciate the contrast between you, and I'm assuming, your husband. This is a tale been told before--
but the way you have told it has something to offer.
....
Welcome to the pen. Glad to have another hog in our ranks!
Posts: 894
Threads: 176
Joined: Jan 2021
(11-13-2022, 08:51 AM)vinitakshv Wrote: We sleep with our heads
turned away from each other,
mine facing the windowpane
steeped in grey winter sky
gazing into a horizon of nothingness. Nice intro to poem, leading naturally to the next statement.
His immersed in a window of opportunities I have mixed feelings about this word; it fits nicely, but something more concrete might be better: "a window of lights"? "images"?
Unraveling in his phone on?
Tabs slicing into new tabs
as tidbits of stocks, jobs, and real estate
clutter his phone with dizzying speed,
unmoored, seems like he is very much "moored" to his phone, while you are the one unmoored
much like the thought ribbons inside my head.
Every few minutes, this silence is ruptured
by an excited realization
or a scornful comment---
a verbal instrument of care. My favorite line
Every few minutes, I offer him a nod If your heads are turned away from each other, how does he see the nod? Should it be something verbal?
as a sign of my presence---
nay, existence. This archaic word seems out of place in your poem, maybe something more like "more than that, my existence."
Hello,
I removed the double spacing, just to save space, but broke the poem up into stanzas where breaks seemed appropriate. All in all, I like the poem very much. It gives an instant picture of a couple who have grown distant and that is especially poignant as this is when you are in bed and should be the time when you are closest that you can be.
TqB
Posts: 695
Threads: 139
Joined: Jun 2015
Hello vin-
Some in-line edits below:
We sleep with our heads
turned away from each other,
mine facing the window
steeped in grey winter sky-
his immersed in the window
of opportunities
unraveling on his phone-
tabs slicing into new tabs
of stocks, jobs, and real estate
clutter his phone with dizzying speed,
unmoored,
like the thought ribbons in my head.
Every few minutes
this silence is ruptured
by an excited realization,
or a scornful comment-
some sign of care,
or concern. And I offer him a nod
as a sign of my presence,
my existence.
Very much enjoy the sentiment in your poem. I think you could tighten it down a bit to add more punch. Moving it to "MILD" would allow for deeper critique, as this one is already a bump above "BASIC".
Mark
