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The winter sun
reflects white off snow,
burning the skin
of your dripping nose,
no warmth
assaulting your eyes
in concert with winds
sparkling branches,
Christmas lights
threatening to impale.
The lighting is perfect
for a photo shoot,
and everybody smiles
trying to present the image
of a beautiful day.
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Threads: 58
Joined: May 2022
(05-07-2023, 04:15 AM)Wjames Wrote: The winter sun
reflects white off of snow, I feel like it breaks the rhythm a bit.
burning the skin
on your dripping nose
without warmth, I also think this line could go. I think its a 'mood' line but it feels out of place to me.
assaulting your eyes
in concert with the winds
howl, sparkling the icicles
coating bare tree branches
into Christmas lights
that could impale at any moment. perhaps 'threatening to...' I would also consider adding a break after 'impale' of even maybe cutting 'at any moment'. maybe?
The lighting is perfect
for a photo shoot,
and everybody smiles This last stanza is perfect to me. Nice subtle ending that still packs a punch.
trying to present the image
of a beautiful day.
Hi Wjames,
I like this very much. When I first read it, it felt like you took awhile to get to it but after a couple reads not so much. Only some very minor suggestions.
Take care,
bryn
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Thanks Bryn, I agree with most of your points, and have made some changes based on them.
I'm not sure about 'without warmth' - I somewhat agree with you in that it could maybe be improved, but I like how it contrasts with the burn and to me 'without warmth' also implies an interpersonal coldness (not sure if that translates to readers) which I like.
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Hi, Wjames. This idea is clever: the conditions being tough for a real human to endure, but it sure looks good on Facebook. Or TikTok. Or FlipFlop, or whatever you kids are using these days. Holiday pictures are never as happy as they seem.
I wonder if you might re-consider your line breaks. You've buried many interesting words (burning, assaulting, threatening, sparkling). "Impale" is the exception here. The last word in a line receives special emphasis, and you could use that to your advantage. Some clever use of enjambment may be employed here since I don't detect much meter to work around.
I do think that meter would improve the piece, however. Perhaps alternating 4-3-4-3 iambic or trochaic lines. You'd need to add a significant amount of material to make it work, but anapestic feet such as in "Twas the Night Before Christmas" would add another subtle layer, like a dysphoric take on winter wonderland.
(05-07-2023, 04:15 AM)Wjames Wrote: The winter sun
reflects white off snow,
burning the skin
on your dripping nose
without warmth, -- This is implied in the frosty scene and understood interpersonally in the next strophe. At a certain point, you need to trust your audience to pick up these things. Otherwise, you need a new audience.
assaulting your eyes
in concert with the winds -- 'in concert with' is a bit clunky. Is winds intended to be possessive here?
howl, sparkling the icicles
coating bare tree branches
into Christmas lights
threatening to impale
the heart.
The lighting is perfect
for a photo shoot,
and everybody smiles
trying to present the image
of a beautiful day.
Thanks for sharing, all the best.
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you know me WJ- less can be more
(05-07-2023, 04:15 AM)Wjames Wrote: Winter sun
reflects white off snow,
overexposes
dripping noses
as winds howl,
and sparkling icicles
dangling from bare branches
threaten to fall.
Yet everybody smiles
trying to present the image
of a beautiful day.
Just my 2 cents.
Hope i didn’t take too many liberties:
it’s just how this poem spoke to me.
Mark
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The winter sun
reflects white off snow,
burning the skin
of your dripping nose ,
no warmth
assaulting your eyes
in concert with the winds
howl, sparkling the icicles
coating bare tree branches ,
into Christmas lights
threatening to impale
the heart.
Curious ideas to play with when/if shaping it up.
The lighting is perfect
for a photo shoot,
and everybody smiles
trying to present the image
of a beautiful day.
[/quote]
Posts: 489
Threads: 182
Joined: Jan 2013
Thanks for your thoughts everyone, I really like some of your edit there, rowens - I think I will make an edit with that as the starting point.
Posts: 489
Threads: 182
Joined: Jan 2013
Thanks everyone for your thoughts on this one, I made another edit based mainly around rowens suggestions.
I'm pretty happy with it now, but if anyone has any thoughts, they're more than welcome.
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