Eternal sentinels

[Keith]

Edit 1 AJ

The cardboard teddy
had a yellow silk ribbon
that taught you big boy laces.
He saved me from dizzy spots
and button pops,
when bending down to double knot.

Your army boots had eighteen eyes,
some missing from the cleat,
no ears to listen for the click.
They brought your body back,
the man said incomplete.

At two years old,
we stole first steps
on painted paper sheets,
so when we hide you underground;
I’ll give you back your feet.

Original
The cardboard teddy bear
had a yellow ribbon,
you learned to tie laces.
He saved me from eye spots
and button pops,
when bending down to double knot.

Your army boots had eighteen eyes,
some missing from the cleat,
no ears to listen for the click.
They brought your body back
the man said incomplete.

Two years old,
we painted steps,
on laminated blue sheets,
and when we hide you, underground,
I’ll give you back your feet.

[ellajam]

Really moving, he's so alive and your last two lines are a stab through the heart. I couldn't change a word. A privilege to read this fine piece.

[abigailholloway]

It's beautiful and touching, nostalgic and sad. The last lines really hit it home. It recreates that feeling you have when you're little, the secret of your stuffed animal being alive. I love this.

[Keith]

Really moving, he's so alive and your last two lines are a stab through the heart. I couldn't change a word. A privilege to read this fine piece.

Thank you ellajam, much appreciated. TOMH

---

It's beautiful and touching, nostalgic and sad. The last lines really hit it home. It recreates that feeling you have when you're little, the secret of your stuffed animal being alive. I love this.

Thanks Abigail. TOMH

[cidermaid]

This one has me a bit stunned really. I am always so impressed with your ability and perception over picking up the little life details that make such powerful connections. This poem has such a tender aspect whilst at the same time it packs a powerful punch straight to the heart. The little things like this are always so important. Great write.

The cardboard teddy bear
had a yellow ribbon,
you learned to tie laces. Not sure i can put my finger on what exactly needs correcting but something feels off. it could be that the commar needs to be changed to a semi-colon. or perhaps it is the use of you. sorry a bit weak as advise goes.
He saved me from eye spots
and button pops,
when bending down to double knot. These last three lines have some great sounds and give me a solid image and story plot. Nice.

Your army boots had eighteen eyes,
some missing from the cleat,
no ears to listen for the click.
They brought your body back
the man said incomplete. No crits on this stanza in terms of words or content. commar after back?

Two years old,
we painted steps, Not sure the commar is needed here.
on laminated blue sheets, Don't realy like blue on this line, sorry can't explain why, except that i would be happier with it on the line above between painted and steps.
and when we hide you, underground, Also not convinced about the use of the commar after the. I get the idea of emphasising where but actually think that there is more punch with letting the reader flow here and the meaning carry the puch it this makes sense.
I’ll give you back your feet.

Overall I think that is is a great read. It carries so much that is relatable and touching and does so with a subtle touch. A sad and poignant picture. Thanks AJ.

[Keith]

This one has me a bit stunned really. I am always so impressed with your ability and perception over picking up the little life details that make such powerful connections. This poem has such a tender aspect whilst at the same time it packs a powerful punch straight to the heart. The little things like this are always so important. Great write.

The cardboard teddy bear
had a yellow ribbon,
you learned to tie laces. Not sure i can put my finger on what exactly needs correcting but something feels off. it could be that the commar needs to be changed to a semi-colon. or perhaps it is the use of you. sorry a bit weak as advise goes.
He saved me from eye spots
and button pops,
when bending down to double knot. These last three lines have some great sounds and give me a solid image and story plot. Nice.

Your army boots had eighteen eyes,
some missing from the cleat,
no ears to listen for the click.
They brought your body back
the man said incomplete. No crits on this stanza in terms of words or content. commar after back?

Two years old,
we painted steps, Not sure the commar is needed here.
on laminated blue sheets, Don't realy like blue on this line, sorry can't explain why, except that i would be happier with it on the line above between painted and steps.
and when we hide you, underground, Also not convinced about the use of the commar after the. I get the idea of emphasising where but actually think that there is more punch with letting the reader flow here and the meaning carry the puch it this makes sense.
I’ll give you back your feet.

Overall I think that is is a great read. It carries so much that is relatable and touching and does so with a subtle touch. A sad and poignant picture. Thanks AJ.

Thanks AJ all good advice that I will take to the edit, I think maybe the first stanza is a bit bumpy because of the word cardboard I am considering swapping it for teaching and dropping bear. I'll have a look. Bets Keith

[cidermaid]

Hi Keith,
think the edit has worked well and i am liking it even more.
So glad you did not take out the cardboard teddy bear. I came back looking for your post to ask you to think again about editing these detials as it was the small details that really made this work in the whole area / picture of grief and coping with loss to my read. (Also I remenber those teddy bear lace up things - they had them at primary school! The ones we had were one grade better than cardboard - sort of a fiber-board; the same stuff the peg boards were made of).

Great work. AJ.

[bena]

There's something surprisingly masterful about this. I can't see changing it at all from the edit you have right now. I hate when people make me cry when I'm not expecting it....then again, I love it when they do.

[Keith]

Hi Keith,
think the edit has worked well and i am liking it even more.
So glad you did not take out the cardboard teddy bear. I came back looking for your post to ask you to think again about editing these detials as it was the small details that really made this work in the whole area / picture of grief and coping with loss to my read. (Also I remenber those teddy bear lace up things - they had them at primary school! The ones we had were one grade better than cardboard - sort of a fiber-board; the same stuff the peg boards were made of).

Great work. AJ.

Ha yes that fibre-board stuff was the one I was thinking of in this. Glad I left it in now. Thanks Keith

---

There's something surprisingly masterful about this. I can't see changing it at all from the edit you have right now. I hate when people make me cry when I'm not expecting it....then again, I love it when they do.

Many thanks for the kind feedback bena its good to know the poem works like that, it got me as well when I wrote the last line. Thanks for taking the time. Best Keith

[mortal]

wow. Read it couple of times. Touching and powerful ending with last two lines. Personally I do not see anything to change. It works for me as it is.

[Keith]

wow. Read it couple of times. Touching and powerful ending with last two lines. Personally I do not see anything to change. It works for me as it is.

Hello Mortal, Thanks for the kind words. TOMH