Consider for now the groundskeeper’s plight:
his cottage nearby, the heiress was killed.
Suspicion is his, it seems only right
with blood on his spade. But, perfectly chilled,
a knife in the icebox carries the prints
of the heiress’s son — who, miles away,
is covered in blood, unable to rinse
claret from his hands. Police records say
fourteen clefts in all occurred, left to right,
clot dripping down, as blood’s want to do.
Finding the stairs, it slavered all night
and pooled near the bottom; here, beside you.
Though none will suspect two ghouls filled the hearse —
that we, guilty reader, haunted this verse.
v1.3
Consider for now the groundskeeper’s plight:
his cottage nearby, the heiress was killed.
Suspicion was his, it seemed only right
with blood on his spade. But, perfectly chilled,
a knife in the icebox carried the prints
of the heiress’s son — who, miles away,
was covered in blood, unable to rinse
claret from his hands. Police records say
fourteen clefts in all occurred, left to right,
clot dripping down, as blood’s want to do.
Finding the stairs, it slavered all night
and pooled near the bottom; here, beside you,
with none to suspect two ghouls filled the hearse —
that we, guilty reader, haunted this verse.
v1.2
The Accomplices
Consider, for now, the groundskeeper’s plight:
his cottage nearby, the heiress was killed.
Suspicion was his, it seemed only right
with blood on his spade. But, perfectly chilled,
a knife in the icebox carried the prints
of the heiress’s son — who, miles away,
was covered in blood, unable to rinse
claret from his hands. Police records say
fourteen clefts in all occurred, left to right,
clot dripping down, as blood’s want to do.
Finding the stairs, it slavered all night
and pooled near the bottom; here, beside you —
with none to suspect that ghouls filled the hearse
when we, guilty reader, haunted this verse.
v1.1
The Depraved Heart
Consider, for now, the groundskeeper’s plight:
his cottage nearby, the heiress was killed.
Suspicion was his, it seemed only right
with blood on his spade. But, perfectly chilled,
a knife in the icebox carried the prints
of the heiress’s son — who, miles away,
was covered in blood, unable to rinse
claret from his hands. Police records say
fourteen clefts in all occurred, left to right,
clot dripping down, as blood’s want to do.
Finding the stairs, it slavered all night
and pooled near the bottom; here, beside you —
with none to suspect a shade filled the hearse
when sinuous eyes bedeviled this verse.
v1.0
The Depraved Heart
Consider, for now, the groundskeeper’s plight,
His cottage nearby, the heiress was killed.
Suspicion was his, it seemed only right
With blood on his spade. But, perfectly chilled,
A knife in the icebox carried the prints
Of the heiress’s son — who, miles away,
Was covered in blood, unable to rinse
Claret from his hands. Police records say
Fourteen clefts in all occurred, left to right,
Clot dripping down, as blood’s want to do.
Finding the stairs, it slavered all night
And pooled near the bottom; here, beside you —
With none to suspect a shade filled the hearse
When sinuous eyes were haunting this verse.
Focusing on the sound of each line, getting the rhythm and meter to sound nice, kinda confuses some of the sentences that clarify the story I'm reading, it's a little clunky
(10-19-2023, 02:54 AM)Fearful Symmetry Wrote: The Depraved Heart
Consider, for now, the groundskeeper’s plight,
His cottage nearby, the heiress was killed. Maybe not capitalizing the first letter of each line would reduce some confusion, this first sentence is forcing a lot of information awkwardly
Suspicion was his, it seemed only right
With blood on his spade. But, perfectly chilled, amd the pauses are adding to the confusion, 'it'
A knife in the icebox carried the prints
Of the heiress’s son — who, miles away,
Was covered in blood, unable to rinse
Claret from his hands. Police records say I think this blue is for the rhyme, is claret the person he killed.
Fourteen clefts in all occurred, left to right,
Clot dripping down, as blood’s want to do.
Finding the stairs, it slavered all night
And pooled near the bottom; here, beside you — beside me? Who is the narrator talking to
With none to suspect a shade filled the hearse
When sinuous eyes were haunting this verse. Last two lines sound like they're saying something but I can't figure it out
I think this could be a decent sonnet if you sacrificed some of the storyline for some more emotions from, someone, the narrator, the groundskeeper, or you could abandon form and give us a clear ride to the destination. Thanks for posting
CRNDLSM dateline='[url=tel:1697668188' Wrote: 1697668188[/url]']
Focusing on the sound of each line, getting the rhythm and meter to sound nice, kinda confuses some of the sentences that clarify the story I'm reading, it's a little clunky
Fearful Symmetry dateline='[url=tel:1697651699' Wrote: 1697651699[/url]'] The Depraved Heart
Consider, for now, the groundskeeper’s plight,
His cottage nearby, the heiress was killed. Maybe not capitalizing the first letter of each line would reduce some confusion, this first sentence is forcing a lot of information awkwardly
Suspicion was his, it seemed only right
With blood on his spade. But, perfectly chilled, amd the pauses are adding to the confusion, 'it'
A knife in the icebox carried the prints
Of the heiress’s son — who, miles away,
Was covered in blood, unable to rinse
Claret from his hands. Police records say I think this blue is for the rhyme, is claret the person he killed.
Fourteen clefts in all occurred, left to right,
Clot dripping down, as blood’s want to do.
Finding the stairs, it slavered all night
And pooled near the bottom; here, beside you — beside me? Who is the narrator talking to
With none to suspect a shade filled the hearse
When sinuous eyes were haunting this verse. Last two lines sound like they're saying something but I can't figure it out
I think this could be a decent sonnet if you sacrificed some of the storyline for some more emotions from, someone, the narrator, the groundskeeper, or you could abandon form and give us a clear ride to the destination. Thanks for posting
Thanks for your feedback
I’ve been waffling on the capitalization of the first line. I think you may be right that it would better without. Updated.
