Contentment

[Magpie]

Edit 1

Once, I stayed awake so long
that all peripheral non-essential 
operating systems shut down
and basic programming took over.

Heading home
across fields,
weaving between sheep
it took an age to notice the heavy rain
that had soaked me through.

Sheep probably never notice the rain
-- I thought.

It was a beautiful freedom.

Now when I see sheep I laugh.

It keeps me from crying.
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Original
I once stayed awake so long
that all periphery non-essential 
operating systems shut down
and basic programming took over.

On a straight line home 
it took an age to notice the heavy rain.

No furrowed brow.
Acceptance.

This must be the way that sheep are
-- I thought.
It was a beautiful freedom.

Now when I see sheep I laugh.

It keeps me from crying.

[brynmawr1]

I once stayed awake so long   maybe 'Once, I..'  not sure
that all periphery non-essential peripheral?  although I like periphery if referring to a kind of tunnel vision, but the way it's written should change
operating systems shut down
and basic programming took over.

On a straight line home                  not sure this line adds much and should add more detail about the drive and such
it took an age to notice the heavy rain.

No furrowed brow.   I think these two lines could be improved to be more immediate/direct, eg 'An unfurrowed brow of simple acceptance' but so much better!
Acceptance.

This must be the way that sheep are    interesting that initially I accepted the introduction of sheep without question, but then they seem to come out of no where.  Hmm, sheep are sneaky!  might need to expand this some with more descriptors of sheep behavior to give us more of an image.
-- I thought.
It was a beautiful freedom.

Now when I see sheep I laugh.

It keeps me from crying.    I like the ending.  Unexpected and nice emotional, wait what? moment.

Hi Magpie(if that's your real name),
Nice work.  The tone is very conversational as written, but I think it would be improved by tightening the language just a bit throughout; that might be more stylistic than substantive.
Keep 'em coming!
Bryn

[alexhenning]

Hi, friend,

I really enjoyed how this poem captures the quiet surrender that comes with exhaustion and acceptance. The transition from the technical, almost robotic imagery of "non-essential operating systems" and "basic programming" to the serene, almost philosophical realization of freedom is beautifully done. The line "It took an age to notice the heavy rain" is particularly striking—it conveys the kind of slow, creeping awareness that often accompanies both physical and emotional fatigue. The sheep metaphor is brilliantly understated, offering a subtle yet impactful reflection on numbness and the quiet liberation that can come from letting go. The ending twist, "It keeps me from crying," adds a layer of emotional complexity that deepens the poem, leaving the reader with a mix of humor and sadness.

As far as critiques go; while the structure is simple and effective, you might consider expanding on the metaphor of sheep a bit more in the middle of the poem. The idea of comparing the speaker’s state of mind to that of sheep is a powerful one, but adding another layer of imagery or description could further enhance this connection. For instance, exploring the nature of sheep—how they follow without question—could tie back to the theme of emotional exhaustion and resignation. Also, the shift from the speaker’s internal experience to the observation of sheep is slightly abrupt; perhaps a smoother transition or an additional line linking these two thoughts would strengthen the cohesion.

Great job, and keep writing! (:

[Magpie]

I once stayed awake so long   maybe 'Once, I..'  not sure
that all periphery non-essential peripheral?  although I like periphery if referring to a kind of tunnel vision, but the way it's written should change
operating systems shut down
and basic programming took over.

On a straight line home                  not sure this line adds much and should add more detail about the drive and such
it took an age to notice the heavy rain.

No furrowed brow.   I think these two lines could be improved to be more immediate/direct, eg 'An unfurrowed brow of simple acceptance' but so much better!
Acceptance.

This must be the way that sheep are    interesting that initially I accepted the introduction of sheep without question, but then they seem to come out of no where.  Hmm, sheep are sneaky!  might need to expand this some with more descriptors of sheep behavior to give us more of an image.
-- I thought.
It was a beautiful freedom.

Now when I see sheep I laugh.

It keeps me from crying.    I like the ending.  Unexpected and nice emotional, wait what? moment.

Hi Magpie(if that's your real name),
Nice work.  The tone is very conversational as written, but I think it would be improved by tightening the language just a bit throughout; that might be more stylistic than substantive.
Keep 'em coming!
Bryn

Thanks Bryn, yeah changed my username got sick of the old one. 
Cheers for all the points you make it helps me to realise what's not working.
Good catch with peripheral. 
'On a straight line home' was supposed to convey getting home the easiest way, like an animal. 
'No furrowed brow' and 'acceptance' didn't quite work for what I was wanting to say, but I think it is inferred so I've left it out.
Oh yeah, and the sheep appear earlier now, and with a reason.

Thanks again, I've made edits above.
Magpie

---

Hi, friend,

I really enjoyed how this poem captures the quiet surrender that comes with exhaustion and acceptance. The transition from the technical, almost robotic imagery of "non-essential operating systems" and "basic programming" to the serene, almost philosophical realization of freedom is beautifully done. The line "It took an age to notice the heavy rain" is particularly striking—it conveys the kind of slow, creeping awareness that often accompanies both physical and emotional fatigue. The sheep metaphor is brilliantly understated, offering a subtle yet impactful reflection on numbness and the quiet liberation that can come from letting go. The ending twist, "It keeps me from crying," adds a layer of emotional complexity that deepens the poem, leaving the reader with a mix of humor and sadness.

As far as critiques go; while the structure is simple and effective, you might consider expanding on the metaphor of sheep a bit more in the middle of the poem. The idea of comparing the speaker’s state of mind to that of sheep is a powerful one, but adding another layer of imagery or description could further enhance this connection. For instance, exploring the nature of sheep—how they follow without question—could tie back to the theme of emotional exhaustion and resignation. Also, the shift from the speaker’s internal experience to the observation of sheep is slightly abrupt; perhaps a smoother transition or an additional line linking these two thoughts would strengthen the cohesion.

Great job, and keep writing! (:

Thanks Alex for your analysis and suggestions. I agree with what you've said about the 'abrupt' shift.
I've made a few edits up above.

Cheers,
Magpie