Birds

[ton321]

Birds




I ventured into
their world, the awful clamour
and raptor-faces.


Some mornings I gave
the crows lardons and titbits
in the back-garden;


in return they dropped
polished pieces of metal,
pennies in a pile,


knowing we would be dazzled.

[Pebbel~Lady]

I really like your poem, especially since birds are just little guys, but I'm unsure of your flow. I don't know if this makes sense, but some of the sentences feel like they don't flow well together(?), it may just be my brain being itchy and scratchy. honestly just Specifically the first stanza of the poem.

 "I ventured into
their world, the awful clamor
and raptor-faces."

maybe the "the" could be "of" instead, so it be more like, 

"I ventured into
their world, of awful clamor 
and raptor-faces."


 In the original, the "the" throws me off guard and kind of ruins the sentence structure for me. (also apologies, this is my first time making a "critique",I guess, so I'm unsure if this is how it's supposed to be done) But good work!

[busker]

Birds




I ventured into
their world, the awful clamour … adjectives usually weaken a line, and that’s the case here too
and raptor-faces.


Some mornings I gave
the crows lardons and titbits
in the back-garden;


in return they dropped
polished pieces of metal,
pennies in a pile,….Don’t crows and magpies steal, rather than drop, shiny objects? There i


knowing we would be dazzled….. not sure quite what to make of this. The pieces of metal as payment for titbits…there’s not a lot of irony in there. Both titbits and pieces of junk are equally worthless to us humans. Now if the deposit had been one of gold coins, the crows would’ve been bird brained by our standards. 

The poem has a nice intro that arrests the reader’s attention, and maintains the sense of narrative till the end. It is well written.

What I find difficult is the weakness of the moral of the story - the paradox that I sense the author is trying to illustrate

[ton321]

I really like your poem, especially since birds are just little guys, but I'm unsure of your flow. I don't know if this makes sense, but some of the sentences feel like they don't flow well together(?), it may just be my brain being itchy and scratchy. honestly just Specifically the first stanza of the poem.

 "I ventured into
their world, the awful clamor
and raptor-faces."

maybe the "the" could be "of" instead, so it be more like, 

"I ventured into
their world, of awful clamor 
and raptor-faces."


 In the original, the "the" throws me off guard and kind of ruins the sentence structure for me. (also apologies, this is my first time making a "critique",I guess, so I'm unsure if this is how it's supposed to be done) But good work!

I think your suggestion is a good one and how it might  flow a little better. Thanks for stopping by. I'm new to this forum too.

---

Birds




I ventured into
their world, the awful clamour … adjectives usually weaken a line, and that’s the case here too
and raptor-faces.


Some mornings I gave
the crows lardons and titbits
in the back-garden;


in return they dropped
polished pieces of metal,
pennies in a pile,….Don’t crows and magpies steal, rather than drop, shiny objects? There i


knowing we would be dazzled….. not sure quite what to make of this. The pieces of metal as payment for titbits…there’s not a lot of irony in there. Both titbits and pieces of junk are equally worthless to us humans. Now if the deposit had been one of gold coins, the crows would’ve been bird brained by our standards. 

The poem has a nice intro that arrests the reader’s attention, and maintains the sense of narrative till the end. It is well written.

What I find difficult is the weakness of the moral of the story - the paradox that I sense the author is trying to illustrate

The piece was inspired by a story I read about someone who had been feeding crows in his garden, and in return they dropped shiny pieces of metal or coins as kind of exchange or currency. I'm not sure I meant for there to be a moral or lesson, just an anecdote really. Maybe this should be made more clear in the piece and thanks for pointing this confusion out.
Tony

[Mark A Becker]

Hello Ton-

Birds pretty generic

I ventured into
their world, the awful clamour
and raptor-faces. This stanza seems to me to be part of another poem. It sets up a sinister feel yet doesn't follow with anything to support that. Since the poem is about crows, please note that they are not raptors. That simple fact doesn't help move the poem forward.


Some mornings I gave
the crows lardons and titbits
in the back-garden; This is good but could use more descriptive language.


in return they dropped
polished pieces of metal,
pennies in a pile, This oddity of crow behavior could be explored more in follow-on stanzas, but...


knowing we would be dazzled. ... the poem ends abrubtly with a highly suspect assumption about crow behavior. I suggest reading more about crows, and adding some further insights that might actually dazzle.

All that said, I am a BIG fan of poems based upon observation. This one needs more observational detail. Good start, nonetheless.

Mark

[busker]

I really like your poem, especially since birds are just little guys, but I'm unsure of your flow. I don't know if this makes sense, but some of the sentences feel like they don't flow well together(?), it may just be my brain being itchy and scratchy. honestly just Specifically the first stanza of the poem.

 "I ventured into
their world, the awful clamor
and raptor-faces."

maybe the "the" could be "of" instead, so it be more like, 

"I ventured into
their world, of awful clamor 
and raptor-faces."


 In the original, the "the" throws me off guard and kind of ruins the sentence structure for me. (also apologies, this is my first time making a "critique",I guess, so I'm unsure if this is how it's supposed to be done) But good work!

I think your suggestion is a good one and how it might  flow a little better. Thanks for stopping by. I'm new to this forum too.

---

Birds




I ventured into
their world, the awful clamour … adjectives usually weaken a line, and that’s the case here too
and raptor-faces.


Some mornings I gave
the crows lardons and titbits
in the back-garden;


in return they dropped
polished pieces of metal,
pennies in a pile,….Don’t crows and magpies steal, rather than drop, shiny objects? There i


knowing we would be dazzled….. not sure quite what to make of this. The pieces of metal as payment for titbits…there’s not a lot of irony in there. Both titbits and pieces of junk are equally worthless to us humans. Now if the deposit had been one of gold coins, the crows would’ve been bird brained by our standards. 

The poem has a nice intro that arrests the reader’s attention, and maintains the sense of narrative till the end. It is well written.

What I find difficult is the weakness of the moral of the story - the paradox that I sense the author is trying to illustrate

The piece was inspired by a story I read about someone who had been feeding crows in his garden, and in return they dropped shiny pieces of metal or coins as kind of exchange or currency. I'm not sure I meant for there to be a moral or lesson, just an anecdote really. Maybe this should be made more clear in the piece and thanks for pointing this confusion out.
Tony

Point also made by Mark - if you end with 'knowing we would be dazzled', then that ascribing of motive marks an intrusion by the poet, and the poem no longer remains merely observational. Hence the confusion about what you're trying to say.

[ton321]

I think your suggestion is a good one and how it might  flow a little better. Thanks for stopping by. I'm new to this forum too.

---

The piece was inspired by a story I read about someone who had been feeding crows in his garden, and in return they dropped shiny pieces of metal or coins as kind of exchange or currency. I'm not sure I meant for there to be a moral or lesson, just an anecdote really. Maybe this should be made more clear in the piece and thanks for pointing this confusion out.
Tony

Point also made by Mark - if you end with 'knowing we would be dazzled', then that ascribing of motive marks an intrusion by the poet, and the poem no longer remains merely observational. Hence the confusion about what you're trying to say.

---

Point also made by Mark - if you end with 'knowing we would be dazzled', then that ascribing of motive marks an intrusion by the poet, and the poem no longer remains merely observational. Hence the confusion about what you're trying to say.

---

The only confusion is what you are trying to make of my piece.

---

The piece is actually modelled on a form by George Szirtes. No confusion here. Just you sadly.
British poet and translator


with 5, 7, 5 syllabics

[Quixilated]

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---

The only confusion is what you are trying to make of my piece.

---

The piece is actually modelled on a form by George Szirtes. No confusion here. Just you sadly.
British poet and translator


with 5, 7, 5  syllabics

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