Smoke

[IkeAntic]

REVISION #1

(All the titles in my head sound like y'all are gonna say "cliche")  

Building Blocks

Mom worked the evening shift,
a nurse at the hospital.
Dad was traveling by ship,
a Navy Corpsman in Vietnam.

My sister and I fended
for ourselves after school.
Heating our dinners. Homework
was always done first – of course.

Dinner was packaged on foil trays,
and eaten in front of the television.
Wienies and beans. Salisbury steak.
Looney Tunes and Merry Melodies.

I escaped when I could, meeting
friends in the night. Smoking
and talking like the cool kids,
but we didn’t have a chance.

Long ago now; it’s been years
since I’ve spoken to anyone.
I’m good at not knowing
what I have – until I don’t.

-------------------------------------
Smoke

Mom worked at the hospital.
We were alone at night.

Dad was in the Navy,
traveling, killing people.

Dinner was packaged on foil trays.
Wienies and beans. Salisbury steak.

One night the cat's food
caught on fire in the oven.

The neighbor ran over to put it out.
She died soon after - lung cancer.

I took up smoking as a teen.
Stealing cigs from shops, hiding
them under a neighbor's porch.
We thought we were cool, but
time eroded that assumption.

We are the sum of our actions,
spread over time. The past is past,
disappearing like smoke rings into thin air.

Today was tomorrow yesterday.
Regrets are a waste of time,
wisps of smoke in the night.

[brynmawr1]

Hi IkeAntic,
I think you have a lot going here.  The poem contains obvious emotional energy and gives some good context to allow the reader to travel through the author's experience.  I do think that there could be some improvement in focus by rearranging some lines and cutting others that might help tighten the piece to bring maximum impact.  I will try to explain what I mean below with some comments after.

Mom worked at the hospital.   If you just add that mom work nights at the hospital you could cut next line.
We were alone at night      If you keep the we, needs more context such as, my brother/sibling/sister and I, etc.  Then move this lower to context of S3

Dad was in the Navy,      consider given above...'While Dad was away in the Navy/
traveling, killing people.   This also needs more context, specifically about timing.  Viet nam, Afghanistan, Iraq, etc, but maybe not...

Dinner was packaged on foil trays.   In this stanza the author could add some personal details, such as their favorite, least favorite, how did they feel, the situation (TV trays watching some show, etc)
Wienies and beans. Salisbury steak.

One night the cat's food
caught on fire in the oven.

The neighbor ran over to put it out.
She died soon after - lung cancer.     These two stanza are a bit out of context with the rest of the poem, not being in your head.  Right now I would cut.  your call.

I took up smoking as a teen.    Here the heart of the poem begins.  You could add here in subtle ways that would better convey the author's experience.  Things that would lead into the next two stanzas.  Dig deep.
Stealing cigs from shops, hiding
them under a neighbor's porch.
We thought we were cool, but
time eroded that assumption.  recommend making the lines more direct, such as 'an assumption eroded/by time.'

We are the sum of our actions,   This idea needs to be a question, in fact the entire ending needs to be a question, a searching for answers. otherwise I fear it will sound preachy.
spread over time. The past is past,
disappearing like smoke rings into thin air.   this is cliche and unnecessary, ie implied by disappearing like smoke.

Today was tomorrow yesterday.   I think these last two stanzas could be combined with this line being the first line.  One reason I would combine is they basically say the same thing.
Regrets are a waste of time,   cliche, see below
wisps of smoke in the night.  trust the image and don't try to explain

Hi again,
So I hope you found the above comments helpful.  None of this is dogma.  It is your poem.  My comments are only as helpful as you think they are.  If anything, I think the ending needs the most work as right now it is preachy, though I do really like L1, S8.  I didn't get into your choice of formatting of the stanzas, but I would look at that too, but I've given you a lot of changes regarding rearrangement so that can wait.  The title could also be better utilized to give context, feeling, etc.
Like I said, you've got something here.  Keep at it.
Bryn

[IkeAntic]

Hi IkeAntic,
I think you have a lot going here.  The poem contains obvious emotional energy and gives some good context to allow the reader to travel through the author's experience.  I do think that there could be some improvement in focus by rearranging some lines and cutting others that might help tighten the piece to bring maximum impact.  I will try to explain what I mean below with some comments after.

Mom worked at the hospital.   If you just add that mom work nights at the hospital you could cut next line.
We were alone at night      If you keep the we, needs more context such as, my brother/sibling/sister and I, etc.  Then move this lower to context of S3

Dad was in the Navy,      consider given above...'While Dad was away in the Navy/
traveling, killing people.   This also needs more context, specifically about timing.  Viet nam, Afghanistan, Iraq, etc, but maybe not...

Dinner was packaged on foil trays.   In this stanza the author could add some personal details, such as their favorite, least favorite, how did they feel, the situation (TV trays watching some show, etc)
Wienies and beans. Salisbury steak.

One night the cat's food
caught on fire in the oven.

The neighbor ran over to put it out.
She died soon after - lung cancer.     These two stanza are a bit out of context with the rest of the poem, not being in your head.  Right now I would cut.  your call.

I took up smoking as a teen.    Here the heart of the poem begins.  You could add here in subtle ways that would better convey the author's experience.  Things that would lead into the next two stanzas.  Dig deep.
Stealing cigs from shops, hiding
them under a neighbor's porch.
We thought we were cool, but
time eroded that assumption.  recommend making the lines more direct, such as 'an assumption eroded/by time.'

We are the sum of our actions,   This idea needs to be a question, in fact the entire ending needs to be a question, a searching for answers. otherwise I fear it will sound preachy.
spread over time. The past is past,
disappearing like smoke rings into thin air.   this is cliche and unnecessary, ie implied by disappearing like smoke.

Today was tomorrow yesterday.   I think these last two stanzas could be combined with this line being the first line.  One reason I would combine is they basically say the same thing.
Regrets are a waste of time,   cliche, see below
wisps of smoke in the night.  trust the image and don't try to explain

Hi again,
So I hope you found the above comments helpful.  None of this is dogma.  It is your poem.  My comments are only as helpful as you think they are.  If anything, I think the ending needs the most work as right now it is preachy, though I do really like L1, S8.  I didn't get into your choice of formatting of the stanzas, but I would look at that too, but I've given you a lot of changes regarding rearrangement so that can wait.  The title could also be better utilized to give context, feeling, etc.
Like I said, you've got something here.  Keep at it.
Bryn

Thank you for your review. I am sorry to put you through so much work, but I have a feeling I will be able to learn a lot here -- which is a good thing.
I'll get to work!
IkeAntic

[Magpie]

Good stuff in here. I would reconsider the title, something that gives a bit more than what is already in the poem.

Mom worked nightshift at the hospital. - or something similar so that you can cut next line
We were alone at night.

Dad was in the Navy, - does 'Navy' imply 'traveling' perhaps 'away with the navy'
traveling, killing people. - although at first read I liked the contrast between a Mom saving lives in hospital and a Dad killing but I don't see it's relevance in the poem, 

Dinner was packaged on foil trays.
Wienies and beans. Salisbury steak. - good specific details here - I feel like all the above should be the same stanza

One night the cat's food
caught on fire in the oven.

The neighbor ran over to put it out.
She died soon after - lung cancer. - these 4 lines seem like an odd excursion 

I took up smoking as a teen.
Stealing cigs from shops, hiding
them under a neighbor's porch.
We thought we were cool, but
time eroded that assumption. - good 'second stanza' 

We are the sum of our actions,
spread over time. The past is past,
disappearing like smoke rings into thin air. - some of this sounds cliché 

Today was tomorrow yesterday.
Regrets are a waste of time,
wisps of smoke in the night. - I feel like the last two stanzas are what you are trying to say overall. It would be a better poem if you could say what your saying in these two stanzas without saying it, let the poem say it for you.

Like I said, some good stuff here. I feel like it's missing a final stanza or perhaps two about later in life, we got childhood and teen years then a summary. An additional stanza about later life that says what your summary is saying would suit the nature of the poem well.

Cheers for the read

[IkeAntic]

New Revision added above.

IkeAntic

[Magpie]

REVISION #1

(All the titles in my head sound like y'all are gonna say "cliche")    - don't be so down on yourself man

Building Blocks - cliché   you called it

Mom worked the evening shift,  
a nurse at the hospital.
 traveling by ship,
Dad was a Navy Corpsman 
in Vietnam. these last lines conflict 'traveling' yet being in 'Vietnam' - 'traveling by ship' is implied and therefore somewhat redundant.

Good start though, stanzas are more defined than the first version which make it easier to follow

My sister and I fended
for ourselves after school.
Heating our dinners. Homework
was always done first – of course.  - awkward enjambment here, don't worry so much about lines being of equal length
Heating our dinners.
Homework was always done first
– of course.

Dinner was packaged on foil trays,
and eaten in front of the television. - don't need 'and'
Wienies and beans. Salisbury steak.
Looney Tunes and Merry Melodies. - good stanza - I like the detail in it

I escaped when I could, meeting - this feels like awkward enjambment again, although I like the line 'friends in the night smoking' - it's not quite working
friends in the night. Smoking,
and talking like the cool kids,
but we didn’t have a chance.

consider possibly
I escaped when I could, 
meeting friends in the night.
Smoking, talking like the cool kids,
but we didn’t have a chance.

Long ago now; it’s been years
since I’ve spoken to anyone.
I’m good at not knowing
what I have – until I don’t.

I like the edit, you've tidied it up nicely. Good job

[IkeAntic]

REVISION #1

(All the titles in my head sound like y'all are gonna say "cliche")    - don't be so down on yourself man

Building Blocks - cliché   you called it

Mom worked the evening shift,  
a nurse at the hospital.
 traveling by ship,
Dad was a Navy Corpsman 
in Vietnam. these last lines conflict 'traveling' yet being in 'Vietnam' - 'traveling by ship' is implied and therefore somewhat redundant.

Good start though, stanzas are more defined than the first version which make it easier to follow

My sister and I fended
for ourselves after school.
Heating our dinners. Homework
was always done first – of course.  - awkward enjambment here, don't worry so much about lines being of equal length
Heating our dinners.
Homework was always done first
– of course.

Dinner was packaged on foil trays,
and eaten in front of the television. - don't need 'and'
Wienies and beans. Salisbury steak.
Looney Tunes and Merry Melodies. - good stanza - I like the detail in it

I escaped when I could, meeting - this feels like awkward enjambment again, although I like the line 'friends in the night smoking' - it's not quite working
friends in the night. Smoking,
and talking like the cool kids,
but we didn’t have a chance.

consider possibly
I escaped when I could, 
meeting friends in the night.
Smoking, talking like the cool kids,
but we didn’t have a chance.

Long ago now; it’s been years
since I’ve spoken to anyone.
I’m good at not knowing
what I have – until I don’t.

I like the edit, you've tidied it up nicely. Good job

Thanks! You made my day!

[rowens]

Building Blocks

Mom worked the evening shift,
a nurse at the hospital.
Dad was traveling by ship,
a Navy Corpsman in Vietnam.

My sister and I fended
for ourselves after school.
Heating our dinners. Homework
was always done first – of course.

Dinner was packaged on foil trays,
and eaten in front of the television.
Wienies and beans. Salisbury steak.
Looney Tunes and Merry Melodies.

I escaped when I could, meeting
friends in the night. Smoking
and talking like the cool kids,
but we didn’t have a chance.

Long ago now; it’s been years
since I’ve spoken to anyone.
I’m good at not knowing
what I have – until I don’t.



Everything here has to be literal and nonpretentious and worth reading.

But

If it's not poetic, it doesn't stand a chance.

So what can you do, if you want to do anything at all to make this:

Literal, nonpretentious, worth reading, poetic, 
in any order you seemingly choose? 

[TrevorConway]

Hi IkeAntic,

I thought “Smoke” was far better than “Building Blocks” (which I find was just a very generic poem lacking in details), so I’ll comment on “Smoke”.

Smoke

Mom worked at the hospital. [or ", / so we were alone most nights"]
We were alone at night.

Dad was in the Navy,
traveling, killing people. [I like how you mentioned this in such a blasé way; maybe "travelling and killing "?]

[Maybe combine the first two stanzas to create a four-line stanza]

Dinner was packaged on foil trays.
Wienies and beans. Salisbury steak.

One night the cat's food
caught on fire in the oven.

The neighbor ran over to put it out.
She died soon after - lung cancer.

[Again, combine the previous two stanzas to create a four-line stanza]

I took up smoking as a teen.
Stealing cigs from shops, hiding [put "hiding" at the start of the next line instead?]
them under a neighbor's porch.
We thought we were cool, but [put "but" at the start of the next line instead?]
time eroded that assumption. [How about "corroded" instead of "eroded"? It would give a harsher feel]

[I think you need more material here on the theme of smoking before you get to the more philosophical end section, you might even come up with something that replaces the last two stanzas. In any case, I think your final stanza is the weakest part of your poem, so I would suggest removing that]

We are the sum of our actions, [maybe delete "our"]
spread over time. The past is past, [maybe "has passed"?]
disappearing like smoke rings into thin air.

Today was tomorrow yesterday.
Regrets are a waste of time,
wisps of smoke in the night.