I don’t believe some evil other hand
built those dark Monticello passages
which let a virile Thomas Jefferson
indulge in its slave quarters secretly.
No, he designed and walked their ways and knew
their purpose but forgot for hours and days–
much as that gifted polymath believed
his god an immanent but unconcerned
endowing, blind creator of his world–
most days, and while he wrote of human rights.
But other times he trembled to reflect
with ever-mounting dread, that God is just.
edit2;
I don’t believe some evil other hand
built those dark Monticello passages
which then permitted Thomas Jefferson
to penetrate slave quarters secretly.
No, he designed, he utilized and knew
about them but forgot for hours and days–
much as that gifted polymath believed
his god an immanent but unconcerned
endowing, blind creator of his world–
most days, and while he wrote of human rights.
But other times he trembled to reflect
with nightly mounting dread, that God is just.
edit1;
I don’t believe some evil other hand
built those dark Monticello passages
which then permitted Thomas Jefferson
to visit its slave quarters secretly.
No, he designed and utilized, and knew
about them but forgot for hours and days–
much as that gifted polymath believed
his god an immanent but unconcerned
endowing, cool creator of his world–
most days, and while he wrote of human rights.
But other times he trembled to reflect
with nightly mounting dread that God is just.
original version;
I don’t believe some evil other hand
built those dark Monticello passages
which then permitted Thomas Jefferson
to visit its slave quarters secretly.
No, he designed and utilized, and knew...
but not, perhaps, each hour of each day.
Just as that gifted polymath believed
his god an immanent but unconcerned
endowing, cool, impersonal Creator–
most days, and while he wrote of human rights.
But other times he trembled when he thought
with yearly mounting dread that God is just.
(12-20-2024, 09:59 AM)dukealien Wrote: Of Two Minds - good title
I don’t believe some evil other hand
built those dark Monticello passages
which then permitted Thomas Jefferson
to visit its slave quarters secretly. - good start - sets up the poem nicely
No, he designed and utilized, and knew...
but not, perhaps, each hour of each day. - this line seems awkward in context with the above line. Although you are implying that he didn't utilize them all the time, the line above ends on 'and knew...' so it feels like it's implying that he didn't know about them each hour of the day.
Just as that gifted polymath believed
his god an immanent but unconcerned - good choice not to capitalise god
endowing, cool, impersonal Creator– - in my reckoning (and perhaps accent) this line has eleven syllables as opposed to ten in all the other lines. It makes it feel overly long - is 'cool' necessary? - also should 'Creator' be capitalised? it gives more importance to a deity who has just been described as unconcerned and impersonal
most days, and while he wrote of human rights.
But other times he trembled when he thought
with yearly mounting dread that God is just. - good ending and choice to this time capitalise 'God' - gives the contrast with the previous thought. Also, tiny nit 'just' repeated twice in this stanza - no big deal though
Good poem exploring a belief in an 'unconcerned creator' versus a God that sits in judgment. Enjoyed reading and looking up information in relation to it.
I don’t believe some evil other hand
built those dark Monticello passages
which then permitted Thomas Jefferson
to visit its slave quarters secretly.
No, he designed and utilized, and knew
about them but forgot for hours and days–
much as that gifted polymath believed
his god an immanent but unconcerned
endowing, cool creator of his world–
most days, and while he wrote of human rights.
But other times he trembled to reflect
with nightly mounting dread that God is just.
Thanks to @Magpie for the good critique. You did pinpoint the problem areas, which I've tried to mend. I hope the format change to one stanza works.
Getting closer to a pastiche of Jefferson's own contradictory writings - unalienable rights endowed by their Creator in 1776 vs. trembling for his country in fear that justice can't sleep forever, and God is just (1784). Powerful writer with (to us) strangely compromised ideals. About the best one can say, without excusing, is that he and the other Virginians got a close look at slavery and didn't want to be its subjects.
(12-20-2024, 09:59 AM)dukealien Wrote: Of Two Minds
I don’t believe some evil other hand "evil other hand" is intriguing phrasing to open with
built those dark Monticello passages
which then permitted Thomas Jefferson
to visit its slave quarters secretly. Could a stronger verb convey visiting secretly?
No, he designed and utilized, and knew Is the "and" after "designed" necessary?
about them but forgot for hours and days–
much as that gifted polymath believed
his god an immanent but unconcerned Comma after unconcerned? If this is a stylistic choice I don't mind it.
endowing, cool creator of his world– cool seems like a repetition of unconcerned
most days, and while he wrote of human rights.
But other times he trembled to reflect
with nightly mounting dread that God is just. Hence the title. The poem illustrates an interesting dichotomy (or cognitive dissonance) in the beliefs of those with power. To me it's very cerebral bc there isn't much imagery.
original version;
I don’t believe some evil other hand
built those dark Monticello passages
which then permitted Thomas Jefferson
to visit its slave quarters secretly.
No, he designed and utilized, and knew...
but not, perhaps, each hour of each day.
Just as that gifted polymath believed
his god an immanent but unconcerned
endowing, cool, impersonal Creator–
most days, and while he wrote of human rights.
But other times he trembled when he thought
with yearly mounting dread that God is just.
I don’t believe some evil other hand
built those dark Monticello passages
which then permitted Thomas Jefferson
to penetrate slave quarters secretly.
No, he designed, he utilized and knew
about them but forgot for hours and days–
much as that gifted polymath believed
his god an immanent but unconcerned
endowing, blind creator of his world–
most days, and while he wrote of human rights.
But other times he trembled to reflect
with nightly mounting dread, that God is just.
Sincere thanks to @alonso ramoran for the useful critique. I've tried to address your concerns in this edit, with an added tweak or two.
Yes, absence of commas is stylistic on my part - no claims made that it's correct. Seems to me that a line break has much the same function, to the reader, as a comma in blank verse... so I let one stand for the other unless definitely required.
(12-20-2024, 09:59 AM)dukealien Wrote: Of Two Minds
I don’t believe some evil other hand
built those dark Monticello passages
which then permitted Thomas Jefferson
to penetrate slave quarters secretly. I'm still unsure about "penetrate". Maybe the following rewrite could work: "to abscond to its slave quarters." If not, the original line works fine. If you want to go the extra mile, you could write "to visit its slave quarters in secret" and "secret" could either be kept, swapped with "confidence" or some other synonym, or perhaps even an image that would convey Jefferson's secrecy.
No, he designed, he utilized and knew
about them but forgot for hours and days–
much as that gifted polymath believed
his god an immanent but unconcerned
endowing, blind creator of his world– "blind" is a nice choice here. It makes me think of some sort of demiurge, which I think highlights the irony of the blind worshipping the blind. This wasn't conveyed before b/c "cool" along with the other descriptors only suggested this god is a calculating god whose creation is an intentional result of his precise calculations.
most days, and while he wrote of human rights.
But other times he trembled to reflect
with nightly mounting dread, that God is just.
edit1;
I don’t believe some evil other hand
built those dark Monticello passages
which then permitted Thomas Jefferson
to visit its slave quarters secretly.
No, he designed and utilized, and knew
about them but forgot for hours and days–
much as that gifted polymath believed
his god an immanent but unconcerned
endowing, cool creator of his world–
most days, and while he wrote of human rights.
But other times he trembled to reflect
with nightly mounting dread that God is just.
original version;
I don’t believe some evil other hand
built those dark Monticello passages
which then permitted Thomas Jefferson
to visit its slave quarters secretly.
No, he designed and utilized, and knew...
but not, perhaps, each hour of each day.
Just as that gifted polymath believed
his god an immanent but unconcerned
endowing, cool, impersonal Creator–
most days, and while he wrote of human rights.
But other times he trembled when he thought
with yearly mounting dread that God is just.
A very interesting poem that contains a lot within a relatively short space. I like how you've worked it, and I think the form and length work well. There's nothing major to change in an overall sense, in my opinion, but I've added a few minor suggestions below.
I hope it's of how some help.
Trevor
Of Two Minds [Pretty good title, but I wonder if there's any closer alternative to the subject to give a sense of what will follow]
I don’t believe some evil other hand [No need for "evil other" together, and it sounds a bit clumsy to me, so maybe choose one, just "evil"?]
built those dark Monticello passages [Would "tunnels" work? I don't like the sound of "passages" at the end of the line]
which then permitted Thomas Jefferson [Replace "then permitted" with something like "enabled a young/weary/rich"]
to penetrate slave quarters secretly. [Put "secretly" before "penetrate"]
No, he designed, he utilized and knew [Use something more visual than "utilized"; maybe "treaded/walked/travelled"?]
about them but forgot for hours and days– [Maybe "their contours/turns/shadows" instead of "about them"? Maybe "and", not "but"?]
much as that gifted polymath believed
his god an immanent but unconcerned
endowing, blind creator of his world– [Maybe "endowing, a blind creator most days" on one line?]
most days, and while he wrote of human rights. [Remove "most days"]
But other times he trembled to reflect
with nightly mounting dread, that God is just. ["nightly mounting" feels clumsy/overdone to me, so maybe choose either]
[I like the idea of dread that God is just. Strong ending]
I don’t believe some evil other hand
built those dark Monticello passages
which let a virile Thomas Jefferson
indulge in its slave quarters secretly.
No, he designed and walked their ways and knew
their purpose but forgot for hours and days–
much as that gifted polymath believed
his god an immanent but unconcerned
endowing, blind creator of his world–
most days, and while he wrote of human rights.
But other times he trembled to reflect
with ever-mounting dread, that God is just.
Many thanks to new and returning critics! Once again you've found areas about which I had doubts... and provided impetus to do something about them. Hopefully the right things.
In several cases the changes were not as suggested for the targeted passages (g). The form (blank verse) is sticky; conforming to it while making improvements can be turning filler into value. Or trying to.
Tempted to crank the final couplet around so "just" could be rhymed with "lust."
Non-practicing atheist
