Dust

[depressedmetalhead]

Dust


day by day it gets harder
to capture thoughts in my head
and to use my work as their cellar
when each day I feel more and more dead


gradually the paper
will fade and char
as flames of reality burn
its words turn to ash
like my soul, defeated,
becoming dust.

Dust


day by day it gets harder
to capture the thoughts in my head
and to use my work as their cellar
when every day I feel more and more dead


gradually the paper
will fade and fade
as the flames of reality burn.
its words evaporate
like my soul, defeated,
becoming dust.

[dukealien]

Dust    Good place to start


day by day it gets harder
to capture the thoughts in my head
and to use my work as their cellar   perhaps drop this second,  unnecessary "to" for rhythm (shortening to match L1)
when every day I feel more and more dead     perhaps "each" rather than "every" to preserve the rhythm


gradually the paper    I read this as GRAD-u-AL-ly to fit the polysyllabic beat from S1... also, maybe "my" instead of "the"
will fade and fade   perhaps a bit more image - "fade and char"  or even "will fade progressively" for the beat,  though the next line picks it up again 
as the flames of reality burn.  maybe lose "the" and the period, though a full stop is appropriate here
its words evaporate   you want smoke here, not steam... different verb, perhaps something to do with ashes
like my soul, defeated, 
becoming dust.  last two lines are exactly right, even the period (which, however, could be omitted for consistency)

Begging, first, your pardon for too much critique in Basic as well as some near-rewrites.  The progression from rhythm and rhyme in S1 to disintegration and short lines at the end is effective.

Pardon my consistency hobgoblin for comments on punctuation - he gets grumpy about periods without capitalization.  Ignore him.

Two rocks and shoals:  "the" and "every."  For some reason, poetry gets more poetic by removing "the" (or replacing it with something more specific like "my" or an image-rich adjective).  Maybe because that's not how people talk except in rhetoric, print, or music... because "the" gives us a moment to think of the next word?

"Every" is my particular rake-to-step-on.  It can be pronounced "e-ve-ry" or "ev-ry" which means if the the reader picks the "wrong" one, the meter stumbles.  However, the obvious solution - using "ev'ry" and "ever-y" - is awful and looks archaic.  I tend to flee the word unless my meter is staked out like a settler on an anthill by that point in the work.

Don't take any of the above too seriously, it's a nice poem that, on account of the subject, shouldn't be over-smooth.

[poetry_zealot]

Dust


day by day it gets harder
to capture thoughts in my head
and to use my work as their cellar
when each day I feel more and more dead                  I think you can remove "and more" unless your intent is to have each line in that stanza be longer than the previous one.


gradually the paper
will fade and char
as flames of reality burn                                               I think it reads better if you put this line and the following one in paratheses and delete the "as". It gives it the feeling of an afterthought and makes the structure simpler.
its words turn to ash
like my soul, defeated,                                             Not sure if defeated is really needed here.
becoming dust.
I think there is some room for improvement here. Other than the minor nitpicks, I think this poem could benefit a lot more from detailed imagery as in the first stanza, there is no distinguishing image or description which disconnects the reader from the stanza. Good work though.

Dust


day by day it gets harder
to capture the thoughts in my head
and to use my work as their cellar
when every day I feel more and more dead


gradually the paper
will fade and fade
as the flames of reality burn.
its words evaporate
like my soul, defeated,
becoming dust.