v2. Song of the Cascocha

[alonso ramoran]

Song of the Cascocha


Seeing with the mark of the abyss,
that all-absorbing pupil yet ignorant,
the sunlight touches what distracts me
from the longer struggle,
the slower movement
towards your knowing.

Until then, beloved, we and the sky
and the land are dreams
shifting crimson, cerulean,
green. Do you hear me in the leaves?

I call from shadow, in the musk of dry earth
and brittle things relinquished like dead poems
before the time of rain. Imagining,
by your response, the flight

under the golden trumpets
of guayacanes, I am here,
your chimera returned from nothing.

"Cascocha" is the Panamanian colloquial for "Yiguirro"

v1. 

Song of the Yigüirro


Seeing with the mark of the abyss,
that all-absorbing pupil yet ignorant,
the sunlight touches what distracts me
from the longer struggle,
the slower movement
towards your knowing.

Until then, beloved, we and the sky
and the land are dreams
bending into crimson, cerulean,
green. Do you hear me in the leaves?

I call from shadow, in the musk of dry earth
and brittle things relinquished like dead poems
before the time of rain. Imagining
first, by your response,

the flight under the golden flowers
of guayacanes, I am here,
your chimera returned from nothing.

[dukealien]

I thought this was beautiful before I looked up guayacanes and listened to a recording of the clay-colored robin's song (poor shadow of hearing it in real life, of course).  Now it's three times beautiful, with the live oaks in their three-day golden bloom once each year.

[Mark A Becker]

Hey Alonso-
Wanted you to know that I read this lovely piece, and that I especially appreciated this part:


the sunlight touches what distracts me
from the longer struggle,
the slower movement
towards your knowing.

Until then, beloved, we and the sky
and the land are dreams
bending into crimson, cerulean,
green. Do you hear me in the leaves?

Mark

[alonso ramoran]

Made slight changes to this piece. Thinking of moving this to a critique forum.

[Wjames]

Song of the Cascocha


Seeing with the mark of the abyss,
that all-absorbing pupil yet ignorant, This line is a weak point in the poem for me. It's much more theoretical than the rest of the poem which is always relating to some physical image. I'm not sure what to make of it - it makes me ponder and I kind of like it, but don't really know what it means and think it might be better if it were just removed or changed?
the sunlight touches what distracts me
from the longer struggle,
the slower movement
towards your knowing. 

Until then, beloved, we and the sky
and the land are dreams
shifting crimson, cerulean,
green. Do you hear me in the leaves? I think shifting is better than bending into - more concise, and makes the colours more of the focus. It is a very large metaphor - planetary movement, changing seasons and time, you've presented it nicely.

I call from shadow, in the musk of dry earth
and brittle things relinquished like dead poems
before the time of rain. Imagining, 
by your response, the flight

under the golden trumpets
of guayacanes, I am here,
your chimera returned from nothing. The change in line breaks and removing first improve the poem imo. 

"Cascocha" is the Panamanian colloquial for "Yiguirro"

v1. 

Song of the Yigüirro


Seeing with the mark of the abyss,
that all-absorbing pupil yet ignorant,
the sunlight touches what distracts me
from the longer struggle,
the slower movement
towards your knowing.

Until then, beloved, we and the sky
and the land are dreams
bending into crimson, cerulean,
green. Do you hear me in the leaves?

I call from shadow, in the musk of dry earth
and brittle things relinquished like dead poems
before the time of rain. Imagining
first, by your response,

the flight under the golden flowers
of guayacanes, I am here,
your chimera returned from nothing.

Hello Alonso, this is beatuiful. To my read a communion with a lost lover through communion with nature, a connection with something bigger than oneself.