another stab

[RiverNotch]

at an italian poem! i mean at some point i'll probably have to look for an italian version of the pen, but for now:


Non darmi piu' una scusa, bellezza,
perche' ogni corda del mio cuore
e' di te, ogni battito e' un grido
disperato per aria, ogni striscia
di rosso che lui stende sul muretto
e' una freccia ardente che si lancia
dall'orizzonte al tramonto invernale:

quando ti dico "ciao", e si' diro'
a te ben presto, non sara' un addio
neppure un saluto ma i quotidiani
bacci ai genitori da un fanciullino
appena svegliato, venendo sotto,
dopo il pranzo, tra le partite fuori,
e prima di pregare e di dormire.

Quando ti dico "ciao", il fiore gia'
stara' sbocciando, la montagna gia'
la mia carne dolce sapira',
e quell'unica cosa che di te
ha piu' dolcezza, liberta', sara'
vinto gia', ancora oggi e' vinto gia',
fare resistenza e' vincere gia'.


posted here because, while i'm desperate for critique, it's in italian, so maybe not apropos to the site. as someone who's not yet fluent, and who's barely read italian poetry, i'm especially wondering if it all means what i hope it means, if it's all idiomatic enough, and if my grasp of hendecasyllabics is as enough as i hope it is.

here's my attempt at englishing it, to open it for critique by non-italian speakers:


Give me no more excuses, bella, because each cord
of my heart is already yours, each beat
a desperate cry for air, each streak
of red it spreads across the wall
an ardent arrow that flies from the horizon
of a winter sunset: when I say "ciao" to you,

and I'll say so soon enough, it will be neither
"hello" nor "goodbye"
but the frequent kisses to his parents
of a schoolboy freshly woken up,
coming downstairs, after lunch, between games,
and before praying and sleeping.

When I say "ciao" to you, the flower already
will be blooming, the mountain already
will be familiar with my sweet flesh,
and that one thing sweeter than you,
freedom, will be already won,
it is already won: to resist is already to win.

written in a frenzy, while finishing Andor. show's a 12/10

[Mark A Becker]

Hey notch-
I feel you. I don't speak French, but I wrote a poem in French anyway. It is an interesting exercise. You'll need to run it by someone fluent in Italian, to better understand the nuances. Maybe more on the Englised version later...
... Mark

[adagio]

On the English version: the word order in "but the frequent kisses to his parents" etc feels unnatural for English, doesn't it? When translating, you do not need to follow the original line-by-line. You can move things around, and I'd consider reshuffling it to make it flow more natural.