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we all erected a personal wall
crawl behind to be small
brick by brick your wall you adore
scorned you build till the mind is sore
but what point did you notice no door
blocked so much it pains your core
locked in the dark afraid of light
afraid to loose my inner flight
hatred and prejudice reinforce this wall
bricks donated by you all
security wall transforms to a tomb
that peaceful voice whispers soon...
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The repetitive rhymes can work given the enclosed theme.
The ideas that each line expresses seem haphazardly chosen such that the poem is thematically weak.
The theme of living in a bubble could be said in one sentence, the poem not adding anything beyond that prosaic statement.
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(06-29-2025, 08:54 PM)Krispy Wrote: we all erected a personal wall -- erect?
crawl behind to be small
brick by brick your wall you adore
scorned you build till the mind is sore -- this word order makes it quite hard to read and understand. Can it be more natural?
but what point did you notice no door
blocked so much it pains your core -- are you blocked, or is "no door blocked"?
locked in the dark afraid of light -- you need more than one wall to find yourself in the dark!
afraid to loose my inner flight -- why transition to first person all of a sudden? should it be "your inner flight"?
hatred and prejudice reinforce this wall
bricks donated by you all
security wall transforms to a tomb
that peaceful voice whispers soon... -- what does the voice whisper? I am not sure I understand this ending
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(06-29-2025, 08:54 PM)Krispy Wrote: we all erected a personal wall perhaps "each" rather than "all"
crawl behind to be small shorter line to go with "small" - neat
brick by brick your wall you adore see below for escaping inversions
scorned you build till the mind is sore
but what point did you notice no door perhaps a hyphen and exclamation: "...notice - no door!"
blocked so much it pains your core
locked in the dark afraid of light
afraid to loose my inner flight "loose" is good but something else to go with it. See suggestion below.
hatred and prejudice reinforce this wall perhaps "harden" instead of "reinforce," for the rhythm
bricks donated by you all see, again, about inversions
security wall transforms to a tomb
that peaceful voice whispers soon...
As a general observation, meter (that is, regular rhythm) seems to go with rhyme. It's not a *rule* - it just seems to work that way. Every line doesn't have to have the same meter - for example a short line like "crawl behind to be small" or "that peaceful voice whispers soon..." is a good change-up.
Inversions (swapping words around from their conversational order - "When I the apple see" instead of "When I see the apple" - is a temptation when you're using rhyme. It can sound archaic, which is fine in its place. But as you write more, you'll find normal (English) word order is just another self-imposed requirement to work around - like rhyme, but so natural the reader won't notice. Which the reader won't notice, either, except that it's pleasing.
Please pardon the rewrite, but I can't help suggesting "afraid to lose my inner fight" for L.8.
Read some of the other poems here or elsewhere, and note how they stick to a form or meter (when they do). It's OK to tap your foot as you read back what you wrote.
Good effort - have fun!
Non-practicing atheist
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(06-29-2025, 08:54 PM)Krispy Wrote: we all erect a personal wall
and crawl behind to be small
brick by brick, the wall you adore.
scorned, building till the mind is sore
but at what point did you notice there’s no door?
blocked so much it pains your core
locked in the dark afraid of light
afraid to lose my inner flight. ….Flight is a strange choice of words considering you’re behind a wall.
hatred and prejudice reinforce this wall
bricks donated by you all
The security wall transforms into a tomb
that peaceful voice whispers soon...
I added some words and commas to allow me to read without stumbling.
I was confused as to who the main subject of the poem was meant to be. Is it you, me, or everyone?
You create a wall to protect yourself from others and end up blocking yourself in, nice.
Thanks for sharing.