Post Lightning

[Bunx]

Post Lightning 

Sometimes I replace 
"I don't care"
with silence,
because I forgot how to share.

The aura of shame,
outlined in fear
protected by pills
that hold back tears.

Catalyzed by 
hidden events in my life
that happened
during trying times. 

Visions witness went 
far beyond comprehension.

Portraits morphing in jailcells 
to walls changing in the hospital.
Days after being tazed 
inside my former living room. 

I watched from the 
body cams perspective 
a nightmare
that I recall differently.

Seeing myself confused, fainting 
down my worn blue stairs.

Cops then picked the loose
shocking metal from my skin.

Is this the cost of my sin?
The consequence of a wrong prescription?
I don't deserve these sensations.

It's not that I lack empathy,
it's not that I don't care.

I mourn the days listening 
to friends complain about their day
answering compassion's call.

I'd rather write about love
then hospital walls.

[dukealien]

Very evocative. The confusion and hope aren't equally mixed, but both are there.

Tiny suggestion: I think it should be

compassion's

rather than without the apostrophe. But recognizing that adding an apostrophe by phone is unreasonably difficult if it's not offered by Otto Korrekt, no reason to change, really. It adds to the atmosphere of disorganization without desperation.

[Bunx]

Thanks for reading Duke,
Took that suggestion and I did get pigpen going on my brothers old pc. I forgot how much I missed the clack of the keyboard.

[wasellajam]

I love the opening lines. Contrary to my babbling on this site, I often replace "I don't care", "I don't care enough" and "I care but its not worth the repercussions of saying so" with silence. I tell myself it's maturity. Forgetting how to share is encouraging because it implies the possibility of remembering or relearning as opposed to really not giving a shit.

Seeing oneself in crisis on a recording must be heart stabbing and disorienting on its own. I've never experienced that and can't imagine it, I don't know where someone can store that knowledge and have it somehow be helpful as opposed to devastating.

A lot to think through in this poem, thanks for posting it.

[Bunx]

Ella- Thanks for taking the time to read it. Living through that kind of trauma is definitely not met with sympathy alot of the time, though I do think its important to talk about. It is so unfortunate that mental illness is often met with violence by the authorities. Also unfortunate how much brain space events like that take up.
Anywho I appreciate the feedback!