Eden’s Sky (from a poem by Rich Brown)

[busker]

Eden’s Sky 

Edit 1.0 (Bryn)

In Eden,
bodies never age.
Clouds never move
in Eden’s sky, where you and I
won’t change, nor love in time 
grow strange.



Original 

In Eden’s sky,
clouds never move.
Bodies never age
in Eden, where you and I
won’t change, nor love in time 
grow strange.

Rich Brown wrote the piece that inspired this one.
Three lines are straight from it.

I’ve punctuated differently in the first 3 lines, which changes the emphasis slightly  
An experiment 

The RB poem:

https://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-2732...#pid280274

[brynmawr1]

Eden’s Sky 

In Eden’s sky,
clouds never move.
Bodies never age
in Eden, where you and I
won’t change, nor love in time 
grow strange.






Rich Brown wrote the piece that inspired this one.
Three lines are straight from it.

I’ve punctuated differently in the first 3 lines, which changes the emphasis slightly  
An experiment 

The RB poem:

https://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-2732...#pid280274

Hi Busker,
I like this.  Particularly the ending.  It has a nice feel to it and the line break at love is very good IMO.  I don't like how "Eden's sky" follows the title so closely.  Consider moving sky down to the second Eden.  To me, that line has a nice rhythm and sky resonates better with the 'I'.
Thanks for the read,
Bryn

[busker]

Eden’s Sky 

In Eden’s sky,
clouds never move.
Bodies never age
in Eden, where you and I
won’t change, nor love in time 
grow strange.






Rich Brown wrote the piece that inspired this one.
Three lines are straight from it.

I’ve punctuated differently in the first 3 lines, which changes the emphasis slightly  
An experiment 

The RB poem:

https://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-2732...#pid280274

Hi Busker,
I like this.  Particularly the ending.  It has a nice feel to it and the line break at love is very good IMO.  I don't like how "Eden's sky" follows the title so closely.  Consider moving sky down to the second Eden.  To me, that line has a nice rhythm and sky resonates better with the 'I'.
Thanks for the read,
Bryn

Bryn - that’s an excellent suggestion. Incorporated.
Thanks