Dog expert

[CRNDLSM]

No orange cones or ribbons
Just common sense
Keeping 20 dogs from jumping
Gleefully through puddles 
Of sewage backing up
Where the septic tank
Floods everytime it rains
Just common sense
So you get to bathe all of them

Right now

[CRNDLSM]

Working with dogs:
Youre either crazy,
Or you will be

[CRNDLSM]

I actually have a picture of mitsi 
When I first met her
She jumped onto the baby gate
One clean jump, all four feet
Perfectly balanced 
So I wasn't surprised when they called me
Because she escaped 

They weren't surprised either
Of course it happened before 
Last time she ran straight behind the dumpster
Shivering, cowering, but not gone, all good
So there was no reason whatesoever
To let their mom know

Who couldnt be more surprised
The sunday after Thanksgiving 
Mitsi hadn't run straight to the dumpster
But just kept running
So when she calls me, im driving on Bluetooth 
My kid in the backseat

I'm going to sue you! Im calling the police!
You are going to go to jail!
You will never get another job!
I will make sure you are ruined!
So help me if you dont get my dog back
You better pray

Im running late because im in another city 
Taking care of 40 dogs on my own 
If anyone will be short staffed on a holiday
Without a babysitter, its me
So by the time I arrive, everyone else 
Has already been called in

What am I doing here?
Its 9 o clock at night, wandering
The streets looking for a tiny black dot
But this is all I can do
So when the neighborhood app finds her instead
I pack up and go home

'That lady was really mad'
I forgot my kid heard everything
She was upset they lost her baby
But its okay now, she was found
So dont you worry about me alright?
Have a Happy Thanksgiving

[CRNDLSM]

'All I know is my dog is dead
And I think someone hit her'
Blunt force trauma to the back of the head

There's cameras in every hall
But they're grainy with no sound
And you can't see what happens in the stall

Some breeds are prone to pop
their eyes out, short squat faces
Already bulging are almost too hard to stop

This is someone's daughter too
Scared of what she's seen today
All the hateful accusations coming from you

You believe that your shepherd 
Getting excited, jumping around
Accidentally hurting your shih Tzu, is absurd?

Be mad all you want but don't lie
We acted fast and got the surgery
You euthenized her later, you are why she died

[CRNDLSM]

Today just now.
Im filing a frenchies nails
In my driveway, their owner
Is helping hold them, devil dogs
I have one nail left
When the brown mini labradoodle
Waiting behind me in his kennel
For his mom who is almost here

Is suddenly in the driveway
As soon as I see it is too late
Its running across the yard

I drop my dremel and run after it
STOP THAT DOG!!!
My neighbor across the street
Sandals, pajamas, throwing his legs
I cant lose sight, cannot lose sight 

Im in people's backyards, holes in fences
I see it sprinting along the ditch
Behind the houses, it sees me
Sprints faster, my neighbor
Opening a gate, ive turned back

Dogs owner in my driveway
I break my front door knob
Getting car keys
Shouting things
The frenchies owners are following
The other car, hazards on
Im speeding around them past them
See my neighbor panting down another street
Pointing shouting
Im calling animal control and cant see street signs 
People outside shaking heads
Parking, walking, running
The mom messages me she has her dog

Its been 10 minutes,
Im home finishing the frenchies
Can barely breathe, mom pulls up
Hands me money
She doesnt owe me anything 
She laughs about everyone in the baseball field
Chasing her in circles,
Just my first dog of the day
I thought I had everything alright
Gotta keep it together 

Keep it together

[CRNDLSM]

I found out one of our clients was a lawyer 
when I opened the storage closet
And his border collie bolted past my feet
Having been trapped in here by Maria
After hopping a baby gate and sneaking
In behind her pulling one bag out of its bin
Chewing the cap off a medicine bottle 
And devouring who knows how many of
Me frantically pouring hydrogen peroxide
Down her throat while calling both owners
To let them know

One pill eaten, non-lethal, 
thats my crazy dog!

[busker]

I found out one of our clients was a lawyer 
when I opened the storage closet
And his border collie bolted past my feet
Having been trapped in here by Maria
After hopping a baby gate and sneaking
In behind her pulling one bag out of its bin
Chewing the cap off a medicine bottle 
And devouring who knows how many of
Me frantically pouring hydrogen peroxide
Down her throat while calling both owners
To let them know

One pill eaten, non-lethal, 
thats my crazy dog!

Love this one!!! 

[CRNDLSM]

How are you even a manager!

A speed trap online for misclassified employees
Screenshotting conversations, dog piling 
Unsuspecting business owners evading taxes
As if they knew the 20 factor test

I said they were independent
I treated them as they wanted to be treated
I picked up where they fell behind
Im being picked apart, but im learning

Theyre contractors, I cant make their schedule
Or fire them, or tell them how to do their job.
Im certainly not hovering and monitoring
Their every movement, and they spend

More time every day devoted to the craft
Than I ever could, being interrupted 
Constantly by phone calls and 
Other problems, 

Like typing a personal letter from the perspective
Of the real business owner, signed, apologizing
For the issues our representative caused
Slicing off the tip of your yorkies ear.

Its a real shame your first visit to a salon ever
Happens to be when the groomer
Calls in sick and the apprentice
Pretends and glues it back like nothing happened

Then an hour or two of being screamed at
For the tragedy that is an unintended ear crop
A refund, a check for the doctor bills
A get well card signed by the apprentice

My name mentioned in the only BBB review
W4s to fill out for everyone in the company
Shifts to pick up after the Employees quit
As if the dogs ever stop

How does anyone manage?

[busker]

How are you even a manager!

A speed trap online for misclassified employees
Screenshotting conversations, dog piling 
Unsuspecting business owners evading taxes
As if they knew the 22 point factor test

I said they were independent
I treated them as they wanted to be treated
I picked up where they fell behind
Im being picked apart, but im learning

Theyre contractors, I cant make their schedule
Or fire them, or tell them how to do their job.
Im certainly not hovering and monitoring
Their every movement, and they spend

More time every day devoted to the craft
Than I ever could, being interrupted 
Constantly by phone calls and 
Other problems, 

Like typing a personal letter from the perspective
Of the real business owner, signed, apologizing
For the issues our representative caused
Slicing off the tip of your yorkies ear.

Its a real shame your first visit to a salon ever
Happens to be when the groomer
Calls in sick and the apprentice
Pretends and glues it back like nothing happened

Then an hour or two of being screamed at
For the tragedy that is an unintended ear crop
A refund, a check for the doctor bills
A get well card signed by the apprentice

My name mentioned in the only BBB review
W4s to fill out for everyone in the company
Shifts to pick up after the Employees quit
As if the dogs ever stop

How does anyone manage?

Nice new one!
What is the 22 point checklist?

[CRNDLSM]

What is the 22 point checklist?
[/quote]

Look at me messing up details
The 20 factor test the irs uses to classify employees

1. Profit or loss. Can the worker make a profit or suffer a loss as a result of the work, aside from the money earned
from the project? (This should involve real economic risk-not just the risk of not gettingpaid.)
2. Investment. Does the worker have an investment in the equipment and facilities used to do the work? (The
greater the investment, the more likely independent contractor status.)
3. Works for more than one firm. Does the person work for more than one company at a time? (This tends to
indicate independent contractor status, but isn’t conclusive since employees can also work for more than one
employer.)
4. Services offered to the general public. Does the worker offer services to the general public?
5. Instructions. Do you have the right to give the worker instructions about when, where, and how to work? (This
shows control over the worker.)
6. Training. Do you train the worker to do the job in a particular way? (Independent contractors are already trained.)
7. Integration. Are the worker’s services so important to your business that they have become a necessary part of
the business? (This may show that the worker is subject to your control.)
8. Services rendered personally. Must the worker provide the services personally, as opposed to delegating tasks to
someone else? (This indicates that you are interested in the methods employed, and not just theresults.)
9. Hiring assistants. Do you hire, supervise, and pay the worker’s assistants? (Independent contractors hire and pay
their own staff.)
10. Continuing relationship. Is there an ongoing relationship between the worker and yourself? (A relationship can be
considered ongoing if services are performed frequently, but irregularly.)
11. Work hours. Do you set the worker’s hours? (Independent contractors are masters of their own time.)
12. Full-time work. Must the worker spend all of his or her time on your job? (Independent contractors choose when
and where they will work.)
13. Work done on premises. Must the individual work on your premises, or do you control the route or location
where the work must be performed? (Answering no doesn’t by itself mean independent contractorstatus.)
14. Sequence. Do you have the right to determine the order in which services are performed? (This shows control
over the worker)
15. Reports. Must the worker give you reports accounting for his or her actions? (This may show lack of
independence)
16. Pay Schedules. Do you pay the worker by hour, week, or month? (Independent contractors are generally paid by
the job or commission, although by industry practice, some are paid by the hour.)
17. Expenses. Do you pay the worker’s business or travel costs? (This tends to show control.)
18. Tools and materials. Do you provide the worker with equipment, tools, or materials? (Independent contractors
generally supply the materials for the job and use their own tools and equipment.)
19. Right to fire. Can you fire the worker? (An independent contractor can’t be fired without subjecting you to the risk
of breach of contract lawsuit.)
20. Worker’s right to quit. Can the worker quit at any time, without incurring liability?

---

If any single point of the 20 qualifies, then they are an employee

[CRNDLSM]

"Was it clinically tested or with a lab?
Unless they paid for the blood work
It could be any respiratory illness
My own team of researchers here
Recently discovered a new strain 
Of bordatella that doesnt have a vaccine

Because I can tell you're new to this,
Even if they did file a lawsuit
And sent out someone to investigate
There would be no trace left 
Of whatever it is they said that killed him

Yes thank you for calling glad I could help"

[CRNDLSM]

Im at the control panel
Its a large grooming table
With a well behaved pomeranian
In a small room between
The front desk and the day care

The girl im interviewing is dressed
To work, to show off their experience 
Being surrounded by dogs while
Answering questions,  until 
They have to ask,  Where's Sadie?

All employees fan out from the store
I call Sadie's mom to ask about climbing
Fences because I dont see any holes
For a terrier much less a yellow lab
With arthritis who can barely run

Sarah's boyfriend is already driving 
In the area and Leslie's is on the way
All the day care dogs are settled 
And I work on the next haircut
The interviewee returns for water

Richard picks up Leslie because Sadie
Makes it to the trailer park, residents help
As three people jump out of a moving van
From a local lab rescue agency who
Just so happened to be in the area

All employees return red faced and sweaty
Richard with the dog Leslie gives it a bath
Sarah calls the mom who is pulling up
And definitely not paying anything and
I still don't know how she got out

That was either the best or worst interview
Said her dad when she left her water bottle
And he came to get it, I said she did great
Acted fast didnt panic, good attitude 
But I never heard from them again.

[CRNDLSM]

Clyde died in my arms
I was leaving the bathing room while
Vicky led him in.  He tugged a few times
So I lifted him up rather than watch them struggle 
And he let out a howl so I let him down gently
But his legs gave and I held him as his heart
Pounded in his chest until it stopped -

I knew he was dead but I wrapped him in blankets
Carrying him out the back to my car
To his veterinarians, in through the back
So no one had to see his body

His mom was on her way home from vacation
To pick him up. She said he loved coming here
He just hates his baths

[matsunosuperfan]

Clyde died in my arms
I was leaving the bathing room while
Vicky led him in.  He tugged a few times
So I lifted him up rather than watch them struggle 
And he let out a howl so I let him down gently
But his legs gave and I held him as his heart
Pounded in his chest until it stopped -

I knew he was dead but I wrapped him in blankets
Carrying him out the back to my car
To his veterinarians, in through the back
So no one had to see his body

His mom was on her way home from vacation
To pick him up. She said he loved coming here
He just hates his baths

Poignant and evocative. I would try cutting S1, with "Cylde died in my arms" as the title:


Clyde died in my arms

I knew he was dead
but I wrapped him in blankets, carried him
out the back to my car, then through

the veterinarian's back door
so no one had to see
his body.

On her way home
from vacation, his mom stopped
to pick him up.

"Clyde loved coming here,"
she said. "He just hates
his baths."

[CRNDLSM]

Thanks matsuno! You just turned my memory into a poem, much to consider