Dog expert

[CRNDLSM]

No orange cones or ribbons
Just common sense
Keeping 20 dogs from jumping
Gleefully through puddles 
Of sewage backing up
Where the septic tank
Floods everytime it rains
Just common sense
So you get to bathe all of them

Right now

[CRNDLSM]

Working with dogs:
Youre either crazy,
Or you will be

[CRNDLSM]

I actually have a picture of mitsi 
When I first met her
She jumped onto the baby gate
One clean jump, all four feet
Perfectly balanced 
So I wasn't surprised when they called me
Because she escaped 

They weren't surprised either
Of course it happened before 
Last time she ran straight behind the dumpster
Shivering, cowering, but not gone, all good
So there was no reason whatesoever
To let their mom know

Who couldnt be more surprised
The sunday after Thanksgiving 
Mitsi hadn't run straight to the dumpster
But just kept running
So when she calls me, im driving on Bluetooth 
My kid in the backseat

I'm going to sue you! Im calling the police!
You are going to go to jail!
You will never get another job!
I will make sure you are ruined!
So help me if you dont get my dog back
You better pray

Im running late because im in another city 
Taking care of 40 dogs on my own 
If anyone will be short staffed on a holiday
Without a babysitter, its me
So by the time I arrive, everyone else 
Has already been called in

What am I doing here?
Its 9 o clock at night, wandering
The streets looking for a tiny black dot
But this is all I can do
So when the neighborhood app finds her instead
I pack up and go home

'That lady was really mad'
I forgot my kid heard everything
She was upset they lost her baby
But its okay now, she was found
So dont you worry about me alright?
Have a Happy Thanksgiving

[CRNDLSM]

'All I know is my dog is dead
And I think someone hit her'
Blunt force trauma to the back of the head

There's cameras in every hall
But they're grainy with no sound
And you can't see what happens in the stall

Some breeds are prone to pop
their eyes out, short squat faces
Already bulging are almost too hard to stop

This is someone's daughter too
Scared of what she's seen today
All the hateful accusations coming from you

You believe that your shepherd 
Getting excited, jumping around
Accidentally hurting your shih Tzu, is absurd?

Be mad all you want but don't lie
We acted fast and got the surgery
You euthenized her later, you are why she died

[CRNDLSM]

Today just now.
Im filing a frenchies nails
In my driveway, their owner
Is helping hold them, devil dogs
I have one nail left
When the brown mini labradoodle
Waiting behind me in his kennel
For his mom who is almost here

Is suddenly in the driveway
As soon as I see it is too late
Its running across the yard

I drop my dremel and run after it
STOP THAT DOG!!!
My neighbor across the street
Sandals, pajamas, throwing his legs
I cant lose sight, cannot lose sight 

Im in people's backyards, holes in fences
I see it sprinting along the ditch
Behind the houses, it sees me
Sprints faster, my neighbor
Opening a gate, ive turned back

Dogs owner in my driveway
I break my front door knob
Getting car keys
Shouting things
The frenchies owners are following
The other car, hazards on
Im speeding around them past them
See my neighbor panting down another street
Pointing shouting
Im calling animal control and cant see street signs 
People outside shaking heads
Parking, walking, running
The mom messages me she has her dog

Its been 10 minutes,
Im home finishing the frenchies
Can barely breathe, mom pulls up
Hands me money
She doesnt owe me anything 
She laughs about everyone in the baseball field
Chasing her in circles,
Just my first dog of the day
I thought I had everything alright
Gotta keep it together 

Keep it together

[CRNDLSM]

I found out one of our clients was a lawyer 
when I opened the storage closet
And his border collie bolted past my feet
Having been trapped in here by Maria
After hopping a baby gate and sneaking
In behind her pulling one bag out of its bin
Chewing the cap off a medicine bottle 
And devouring who knows how many of
Me frantically pouring hydrogen peroxide
Down her throat while calling both owners
To let them know

One pill eaten, non-lethal, 
thats my crazy dog!

[busker]

I found out one of our clients was a lawyer 
when I opened the storage closet
And his border collie bolted past my feet
Having been trapped in here by Maria
After hopping a baby gate and sneaking
In behind her pulling one bag out of its bin
Chewing the cap off a medicine bottle 
And devouring who knows how many of
Me frantically pouring hydrogen peroxide
Down her throat while calling both owners
To let them know

One pill eaten, non-lethal, 
thats my crazy dog!

Love this one!!! 

[CRNDLSM]

How are you even a manager!

A speed trap online for misclassified employees
Screenshotting conversations, dog piling 
Unsuspecting business owners evading taxes
As if they knew the 22 point factor test

I said they were independent
I treated them as they wanted to be treated
I picked up where they fell behind
Im being picked apart, but im learning

Theyre contractors, I cant make their schedule
Or fire them, or tell them how to do their job.
Im certainly not hovering and monitoring
Their every movement, and they spend

More time every day devoted to the craft
Than I ever could, being interrupted 
Constantly by phone calls and 
Other problems, 

Like typing a personal letter from the perspective
Of the real business owner, signed, apologizing
For the issues our representative caused
Slicing off the tip of your yorkies ear.

Its a real shame your first visit to a salon ever
Happens to be when the groomer
Calls in sick and the apprentice
Pretends and glues it back like nothing happened

Then an hour or two of being screamed at
For the tragedy that is an unintended ear crop
A refund, a check for the doctor bills
A get well card signed by the apprentice

My name mentioned in the only BBB review
W4s to fill out for everyone in the company
Shifts to pick up after the Employees quit
As if the dogs ever stop

How does anyone manage?