Don't press send.

[JohnS]

These days boys stay at home,
in their room, computer going,
talking to some AI friend,
taking pictures
and pressing send.


They should be at the swimming hole,
or by the river with a fishing pole.
Hanging out, maybe smoking weed,
playing records
and building dreams.


Hey kids,
that pretty gal on your computer screen,
isn’t what you think she is,
it’s some guy lurking behind the scenes,
don’t send those pictures or your life is his.


Another boy took his life today,
he didn’t have enough cash to pay
to get his pictures back again.


Any critique gratefully received.

[Bruce V]

A nice, straightforward poem.  A few little suggestions.

These days boys stay at home,
in their room, computer going,  ?too weird to say "computer-ing". flows better
talking to some AI friend,
taking pictures
and pressing send.   maybe...taking pictures, pressing send. 


They should be at the swimming hole,
or by the river with a fishing pole.
Hanging out, maybe smoking weed,
playing records
and building dreams.


Hey kids,
that pretty gal on your computer screen,    this stanza could use a better rhyme somewhere
isn’t what you think she is,
it’s some guy lurking behind the scenes,
don’t send those pictures or your life is his.


Another boy took his life today,
he didn’t have enough cash to pay
to get his pictures back again.


Any critique gratefully received.

good message.  unfortunately not likely to be read by the intended audience

[JohnS]

A nice, straightforward poem.  A few little suggestions.

These days boys stay at home,
in their room, computer going,  ?too weird to say "computer-ing". flows better
talking to some AI friend,
taking pictures
and pressing send.   maybe...taking pictures, pressing send. 


They should be at the swimming hole,
or by the river with a fishing pole.
Hanging out, maybe smoking weed,
playing records
and building dreams.


Hey kids,
that pretty gal on your computer screen,    this stanza could use a better rhyme somewhere
isn’t what you think she is,
it’s some guy lurking behind the scenes,
don’t send those pictures or your life is his.


Another boy took his life today,
he didn’t have enough cash to pay
to get his pictures back again.


Any critique gratefully received.

good message.  unfortunately not likely to be read by the intended audience

Thank you, Bruce, good points.

[matsunosuperfan]

These days boys stay at home,
in their room, computer going,
talking to some AI friend,
taking pictures
and pressing send.


They should be at the swimming hole,
or by the river with a fishing pole.
Hanging out, maybe smoking weed,
playing records
and building dreams.


Hey kids,
that pretty gal on your computer screen,
isn’t what you think she is,
it’s some guy lurking behind the scenes,
don’t send those pictures or your life is his.


Another boy took his life today,
he didn’t have enough cash to pay
to get his pictures back again.


Any critique gratefully received.

I think it's too flat and pedantic to have much impact. Presumably most readers already agree with the sentiment, and it's not contributing anything notably new to that discourse. The final gesture strikes me as tacked-on drama. "Don't send those pictures or your life is his" is just not a good line; the syntax is awkward and feels forced into the rhyme. You're going to lose a lot of people just by starting your poem with "these days," which puts it squarely in the "hey kids get off my lawn!" register - an unfortunate expectation that is not subverted by what follows. 

I am the house anti-didact, so others may find this approach more palatable. For me it's a non-starter, I'm afraid.

[JohnS]

These days boys stay at home,
in their room, computer going,
talking to some AI friend,
taking pictures
and pressing send.


They should be at the swimming hole,
or by the river with a fishing pole.
Hanging out, maybe smoking weed,
playing records
and building dreams.


Hey kids,
that pretty gal on your computer screen,
isn’t what you think she is,
it’s some guy lurking behind the scenes,
don’t send those pictures or your life is his.


Another boy took his life today,
he didn’t have enough cash to pay
to get his pictures back again.


Any critique gratefully received.

I think it's too flat and pedantic to have much impact. Presumably most readers already agree with the sentiment, and it's not contributing anything notably new to that discourse. The final gesture strikes me as tacked-on drama. "Don't send those pictures or your life is his" is just not a good line; the syntax is awkward and feels forced into the rhyme. You're going to lose a lot of people just by starting your poem with "these days," which puts it squarely in the "hey kids get off my lawn!" register - an unfortunate expectation that is not subverted by what follows. 

I am the house anti-didact, so others may find this approach more palatable. For me it's a non-starter, I'm afraid.

Thanks for your thoughts, it's all Kimberlites to the crushers.