Never There - edit2

[dukealien]

Never There (Surreal AI)


Irrelevancies fade
leaving a driftwood cabin
by sunny seas
a little evening fog
black nights crowded
with cool stars too far away
to bother.

Endless white sand
found crab claw the means
to compose and draw;
bare feet smoothing salty grains
erase each verse
as it’s committed.

Inside sea-glass windows
desiccated by dry wind
a rippled book of psalms
or three-view plans
with dimensions grown
irrelevant from long disuse
pages scuffed
brown faded ink.

But now no keyword strings recall
that soft-addictive vision space
its shore of no return
to whispered peace.

edit1;

Never There


Immersed in high-res AI video
outside irrelevancies fade
leaving only a driftwood cabin
by a sunny sea somewhere–
no storms, a little evening fog
and black nights crowded with
cool stars too far away to bother.

Only endless dunes unmarked
white sand on which to draw
with a found crab claw
bare feet finding firmness
made up of all those grains
which will obligingly erase
each verse committed to them.

And inside, desiccated
by salt wind, no book of psalms
or numbers, three-view plans
of objects with dimensions grown
irrelevant from long disuse
right-angles absent, pages merged
with fading ink and brushing fingertips.

But now no key-string words produce
that soft-addictive, cool-seductive place
of surface vision, shores of no return
and whispered peace.  It was
a sample.

original version;


What would it take to drain
all complexity from life
leaving only a driftwood cabin
by a sunny sea somewhere–
no storms, a little evening fog
and black nights crowded with
cool stars too far away to bother?

No phone, no keyboard, only screen
white sand on which to draw
with a found crab claw
bare feet finding compactness
made up of all those grains
which will obligingly erase
each verse committed to them.

And in the cabin desiccated
by salt wind, no book of psalms
or numbers, three-view plans
of objects with dimensions grown
irrelevant with long disuse
right-angles absent, pages merged
with fading ink and brushing fingertips.

Too much, it would take entirely
more absence than my breath
could stand to give up all
these hated complications loved
for regulation, knowing next
name called, address more real
than whispered sand and peace.

Inspired by an AI video

[matsunosuperfan]

Never There


What would it take to drain
all complexity from life
leaving only a driftwood cabin
by a sunny sea somewhere–
no storms, a little evening fog
and black nights crowded with
cool stars too far away to bother?

No phone, no keyboard, only screen
white sand on which to draw
with a found crab claw
bare feet finding compactness
made up of all those grains
which will obligingly erase
each verse committed to them.

And in the cabin desiccated
by salt wind, no book of psalms
or numbers, three-view plans
of objects with dimensions grown
irrelevant with long disuse
right-angles absent, pages merged
with fading ink and brushing fingertips.

Too much, it would take entirely
more absence than my breath
could stand to give up all
these hated complications loved
for regulation, knowing next
name called, address more real
than whispered sand and peace.

Inspired by an AI video

First thought - cut the first 2 lines for immediacy, avoid prologue. The rest of S1 is very evocative and tangible

Ditto the fist line of S2. Interested to see what happens if we forbid the speaker from editorializing

[lucienne24]

Never There


What would it take to drain
all complexity from life
leaving only a driftwood cabin
by a sunny sea somewhere–
no storms, a little evening fog
and black nights crowded with
cool stars too far away to bother?

No phone, no keyboard, only screen
white sand on which to draw
with a found crab claw
bare feet finding compactness
made up of all those grains
which will obligingly erase
each verse committed to them.

And in the cabin desiccated
by salt wind, no book of psalms
or numbers, three-view plans
of objects with dimensions grown
irrelevant with long disuse
right-angles absent, pages merged
with fading ink and brushing fingertips.

Too much, it would take entirely
more absence than my breath
could stand to give up all
these hated complications loved
for regulation, knowing next
name called, address more real
than whispered sand and peace.

Inspired by an AI video

hmm... your postscript that this piece was inspired by an AI video definitely recontextualized my reading in a way that (i think) makes the poem more interesting. rather than the 3rd stanza imagery of the irregular dimensions and fading ink representing a peaceful seaside getaway long untouched by "unnecessary" human complexities, they begin to evoke an AI-generated image of an abstract, unattainable place. if this was your intention, i'd want this imagery to come in sooner and be more consistent. i also agree with matsuno's reply that the whole piece could use more immediacy and less "explanation."

[dukealien]

edit;


Immersed in high-res AI video
outside irrelevancies fade
leaving only a driftwood cabin
by a sunny sea somewhere–
no storms, a little evening fog
and black nights crowded with
cool stars too far away to bother.

Only endless dunes unmarked
white sand on which to draw
with a found crab claw
bare feet finding firmness
made up of all those grains
which will obligingly erase
each verse committed to them.

And inside, desiccated
by salt wind, no book of psalms
or numbers, three-view plans
of objects with dimensions grown
irrelevant from long disuse
right-angles absent, pages merged
with fading ink and brushing fingertips.

But now no key-string words produce
that soft-addictive, cool-seductive place
of surface vision, shores of no return
and whispered peace.  It was
a sample.

---

Thanks to both critics.  As suggested, I merged in the theme of this being an AI video, or inspired by one.  And the replacement tailpiece is sort of real:  I've tried to find that particular video again and failed.  It was just a come-on.

[busker]

Never There


Immersed in high-res AI video
outside irrelevancies fade
leaving only a driftwood cabin
by a sunny sea somewhere–
no storms, a little evening fog
and black nights crowded with
cool stars too far away to bother.

Only endless dunes unmarked
white sand on which to draw
with a found crab claw
bare feet finding firmness
made up of all those grains
which will obligingly erase
each verse committed to them.

And inside, desiccated
by salt wind, no book of psalms
or numbers, three-view plans
of objects with dimensions grown
irrelevant from long disuse
right-angles absent, pages merged
with fading ink and brushing fingertips.

But now no key-string words produce
that soft-addictive, cool-seductive place
of surface vision, shores of no return
and whispered peace.  It was
a sample.

original version;


What would it take to drain
all complexity from life
leaving only a driftwood cabin
by a sunny sea somewhere–
no storms, a little evening fog
and black nights crowded with
cool stars too far away to bother?

No phone, no keyboard, only screen
white sand on which to draw
with a found crab claw
bare feet finding compactness
made up of all those grains
which will obligingly erase
each verse committed to them.

And in the cabin desiccated
by salt wind, no book of psalms
or numbers, three-view plans
of objects with dimensions grown
irrelevant with long disuse
right-angles absent, pages merged
with fading ink and brushing fingertips.

Too much, it would take entirely
more absence than my breath
could stand to give up all
these hated complications loved
for regulation, knowing next
name called, address more real
than whispered sand and peace.

Inspired by an AI video

I like the lines in green, esp the cool stars. 
I don't think you need to spell out every detail eg. 'verse committed to them'. It makes the line very wordy, and the reader can anyway infer where what is being committed. That extra clarity is unnecessary and counterproductive, in fact.

[matsunosuperfan]

only a driftwood cabin by 
a sunny sea somewhere–
no storms, a little evening fog, nights
crowded with cool stars 

draw a crab’s spent claw across
the dunes’ unmarked white sand 
underfoot, finding firmness
the waves will soon erase

and inside, desiccated
by salt wind, no book of psalms
or numbers, three-view plans of objects 
with dimensions grown

irrelevant from long disuse
no angle on the page
to merge with fading ink and brush
forgetful fingertips--

but now no key-strung words produce
that cool-seductive place
of surface vision, shores of no return
find me the same.

--

or whatever
yknow like just let the images speak, there are some bangers
great sound all over the place

[wasellajam]

Hi, duke, some beautiful language and images here. I'm not up on previous crit, some notes:

Never There


Immersed in high-res AI video
outside irrelevancies fade
The opening has gone from blunt to blunter, it explains the title. I'm wondering if the title, or a tweak to it, could do this job. If you keep this LI you might drop High-res, AI or video, it just seems too long.
leaving only a driftwood cabin
by a sunny sea somewhere–
no storms, a little evening fog
and black nights crowded with
cool stars too far away to bother.
Driftwood cabin is interesting, I can see AI putting it together a little wonky. I love:

"a little evening fog
and black nights crowded with
cool stars too far away to bother".

Only endless dunes unmarked
white sand on which to draw
with a found crab claw
bare feet finding firmness
made up of all those grains
which will obligingly erase
each verse committed to them.
I like this whole strophe. I'm not sure about the change to dunes, they are not the part of the beach you can write on. The double "only" might justify both, not quite sure on that.

And inside, desiccated
by salt wind, no book of psalms
or numbers, three-view plans
of objects with dimensions grown
irrelevant from long disuse
right-angles absent, pages merged
with fading ink and brushing fingertips.
Strong again. Maybe something more descriptive than "And inside". I like "right angles absent", after that it's a little murky, ossibly something other than brushing, I can't get it.

But now no key-string words produce
that soft-addictive, cool-seductive place
of surface vision, shores of no return
and whispered peace.  It was
a sample.
You might take another swing at the ending, I like "no key-string" but I miss the original so some crit there:

Too much, it would take entirely I'd prefer a period after "too much" but love these three line..
more absence than my breath
could stand to give up all
these hated complications loved Something other than "hated complications".
for regulation, knowing next
name called, address more real
than whispered sand and peace.

original version;


What would it take to drain
all complexity from life
leaving only a driftwood cabin
by a sunny sea somewhere–
no storms, a little evening fog
and black nights crowded with
cool stars too far away to bother?

No phone, no keyboard, only screen
white sand on which to draw
with a found crab claw
bare feet finding compactness
made up of all those grains
which will obligingly erase
each verse committed to them.

And in the cabin desiccated
by salt wind, no book of psalms
or numbers, three-view plans
of objects with dimensions grown
irrelevant with long disuse
right-angles absent, pages merged
with fading ink and brushing fingertips.

Too much, it would take entirely
more absence than my breath
could stand to give up all
these hated complications loved
for regulation, knowing next
name called, address more real
than whispered sand and peace.

Inspired by an AI video

Thanks for the read, lots to like here.

[dukealien]

edit2;

Never There (Surreal AI)


Irrelevancies fade
leaving a driftwood cabin
by sunny seas
a little evening fog
black nights crowded
with cool stars too far away
to bother.

Endless white sand
found crab claw the means
to compose and draw;
bare feet smoothing salty grains
erase each verse
as it’s committed.

Inside sea-glass windows
desiccated by dry wind
a rippled book of psalms
or three-view plans
with dimensions grown
irrelevant from long disuse
pages scuffed
brown faded ink.

But now no keyword strings recall
that soft-addictive vision space
its shore of no return
to whispered peace.

---

Thanks to all critics new and previous.  I had this pared down more than the above, then added some more inspired by @wasellajam's comments including an enhanced title to do some work.

  The tailpiece is no longer quite true:  I did find that elusive YouTube™ video again.  It's not as good as I remembered - pitched squarely at the older set (member of which I don't *quite* consider myself).  Prompt with "surreal house that waited for us" .  There's a style in all these high-end AI videos, what would you call it, Techno-Baroque?  with masses of detail that are almost photo-realistic but not quite there.  In the video, sizes of people and houses are out of proportion and some of the houses don't make sense, realistically.  But check at 8:52 - there's a well-dressed geezer whose house is a classic Airstream trailer through the windows of which you can see it's entirely filled with a beautifully appointed bar.  My kinda guy.