Anxious Poem

[rbamssy]

I often end poems with a sort of dramatic line
I’d like to think it’s a bad habit

everything has to be:
life changing
inspiring
ugly
beautiful
black
off-white

see
just there
I could have ended with
“i should stop and smell the roses”

[dukealien]

I often end poems with a sort of dramatic line  "sort of" is unnecessary but does help portray lack of confidence
I’d like to think it’s a bad habit  the narrator's self-centeredness comes through well here

everything has to be:  could this make it clearer that, not "everything," but only the last line is being characterized?
life changing
inspiring
ugly
beautiful
black
off-white  better than "gray" - indeed, only these last two show (metaphorically) instead of tell

see
just there
I could have ended with
“i should stop and smell the roses”  structurally, the narrator is referring to a missing poem imagined in the white space above

In basic critique, this is sort of (g) an "inside baseball" discussion by the narrator... who may  not be (probably is not?) the actual poet.  He's showing off his second thoughts but not cringing about possible criticism, more like anticipating it and showing that he does anticipate it.  He knows his weaknesses, and parades them.

Is he asking for help?  No... not advertising, either, exactly.  On the other hand, anxiety (per the title) doesn't quite come through for me; I'd suggest either changing the title to reflect more hope for affection, or including lines expressing actual fear of rejection.

Frankly, that's a little convoluted for Basic, but there could be quite a bit going on there.

[matsunosuperfan]

I often end poems with a sort of dramatic line
I’d like to think it’s a bad habit

everything has to be:
life changing
inspiring
ugly
beautiful
black
off-white

see
just there
I could have ended with
“i should stop and smell the roses”

I'm not convinced by this one yet. It's very well trod ground; I tried a similar thing earlier this month and it also had trouble lifting off. The whole meta ars poetic thing is probably one of those forms where the options are inevitably binary; it's either brilliant or boring. This one's not brilliant yet.

I don't get the ending. Seems to be trying to make some kind of commentary on cliche? Ironically, most of the action of the poem, including this gesture, is kind of cliche. 

The first 2 lines are great: hooky, compelling as heck, and the speaker invites trust by admitting "bad habits." What's missing for me is some kind of turn; the progression of discourse never really take me anywhere new once the initial direction is established

Beware the opaque closing gesture. It can be quite seductive. Doing Bukowski style too often is bad for the liver...

[rbamssy]

I often end poems with a sort of dramatic line
I’d like to think it’s a bad habit

everything has to be:
life changing
inspiring
ugly
beautiful
black
off-white

see
just there
I could have ended with
“i should stop and smell the roses”

I'm not convinced by this one yet. It's very well trod ground; I tried a similar thing earlier this month and it also had trouble lifting off. The whole meta ars poetic thing is probably one of those forms where the options are inevitably binary; it's either brilliant or boring. This one's not brilliant yet.

I don't get the ending. Seems to be trying to make some kind of commentary on cliche? Ironically, most of the action of the poem, including this gesture, is kind of cliche. 

The first 2 lines are great: hooky, compelling as heck, and the speaker invites trust by admitting "bad habits." What's missing for me is some kind of turn; the progression of discourse never really take me anywhere new once the initial direction is established

Beware the opaque closing gesture. It can be quite seductive. Doing Bukowski style too often is bad for the liver...

Thank you for the thoughtful feedback! I didn't think I'd be doing much with this one as it was just kind of a throwaway thought turned into a poem but now I think I might return to this soon.

---

I often end poems with a sort of dramatic line  "sort of" is unnecessary but does help portray lack of confidence
I’d like to think it’s a bad habit  the narrator's self-centeredness comes through well here

everything has to be:  could this make it clearer that, not "everything," but only the last line is being characterized?
life changing
inspiring
ugly
beautiful
black
off-white  better than "gray" - indeed, only these last two show (metaphorically) instead of tell

see
just there
I could have ended with
“i should stop and smell the roses”  structurally, the narrator is referring to a missing poem imagined in the white space above

In basic critique, this is sort of (g) an "inside baseball" discussion by the narrator... who may  not be (probably is not?) the actual poet.  He's showing off his second thoughts but not cringing about possible criticism, more like anticipating it and showing that he does anticipate it.  He knows his weaknesses, and parades them.

Is he asking for help?  No... not advertising, either, exactly.  On the other hand, anxiety (per the title) doesn't quite come through for me; I'd suggest either changing the title to reflect more hope for affection, or including lines expressing actual fear of rejection.

Frankly, that's a little convoluted for Basic, but there could be quite a bit going on there.

Thank you for taking the time to critique this. I think I'm gonna have to change the whole thing based off yours and others' feedback but I'm up for the challenge 

[busker]

I often end poems with a sort of dramatic line
I’d like to think it’s a bad habit

everything has to be:
life changing
inspiring
ugly
beautiful
black
off-white

see
just there
I could have ended with
“i should stop and smell the roses”

The last line isn’t dramatic so I don’t get the joke

[matsunosuperfan]

I often end poems with a sort of dramatic line
I’d like to think it’s a bad habit

everything has to be:
life changing
inspiring
ugly
beautiful
black
off-white

see
just there
I could have ended with
“i should stop and smell the roses”

The last line isn’t dramatic so I don’t get the joke

This is really good note that I would like to second. It really had me scratching my head. Feels like what should go in the quotes to make the point I think the poem wants to make, would be the opposite of a common cliche