beauty

[heslopian]

beauty is whatever you think beauty is

a woman's breasts
a man's torso
flowers wedged in gray fences
the sun above a lonely bench
a sandwich laced with bacon grease

the love of a friend
the corpse of a whore
children playing in dark caves
a wine decanter almost full
the moon the wind the sodden earth

there are perhaps more perceptions
of what beauty is
than there are things
to be considered beautiful

[Todd]

Jack, I can't think of any big improvements on this one. I also don't find it hampered by its lack of punctuation. You could choose to cut the first use of beauty and have it be like the title bleediing into the first line if you wanted (not necessarily better just an option). I like that your first two examples are simple beauty as an object of lust and then you make it a bit more complicated. The last three examples are surprising, solid images. I like the gray fences and the lonely bench. In S2. you start off mild again with a friend's love and then you change aesthetics and we suddenly see what Jack the Ripper finds beautiful. The addition of dark caves gives an additional unsettling take. So that by the time we reach the decanter we aren't thinking of sunlight glistening off alcohol but we've been primed to think of the emptiness in the bottle and the oblivion brought by overuse.

In S4, you may want to alter your first line to make the transition stronger, maybe switch the lead in at the last line of S3 to use the enjambment to this end:

to represent beauty

which like reality doesn't exist
as the TV shrinks are fond
of reminding their patients

Not sure if that's necessary. It's a solid piece Jack. I think your imagery goes a long way toward selling it.

Best,

Todd

[abu nuwas]

I think it is a difficult thing to elaborate on what most regard as received wisdom-- 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder' or 'one cannot argue about taste'. Almost inevitably, the reader feels s/he knows enough already, and an element of the didactic slips in. That said, there is a whiff of 'fleurs di mal', though much too much positive/happy stuff to qualify properly. Still, quite enough to discourage me from carping-- who am I to critique Baudelaire?

I did wonder about the TV bit -it seems adrift from the body of the poem. Notwithstanding all that, I cannot think of a single change I should make.

[heslopian]

Thanks for the kind words and feedback Todd I'll have a think your proposed changes.

I'm afraid I've never read a word of Baudelaire, so any similarities there are purely incidental. This poem, like a lot of my poems which have no punctuation for some reason, does, I agree, rely heavily on received wisdom. Thank you for the feedback abu

[billy]

beauty is whatever you think beauty is is this lead in needed? for me it takes away too much from the 3rd verse.

a woman's breasts
a man's torso
flowers wedged in gray fences nice image.
the sun above a lonely bench and another
a sandwich laced with bacon grease mmmmm

the love of a friend
the corpse of a whore i was pulled up by this but you're right; to each his own
children playing in dark caves
a wine decanter almost full this is my fave line. it feels decadent
the moon the wind the sodden earth

there are perhaps more perceptions
of what beauty is
than there are things
to be considered beautiful

reality doesn't exist after all
as the TV shrinks are fond
of reminding their patients

everything was excellent apart form the nit at the 1st line.
loved the imagery you used jack.

when i got to the last verse, i felt like i was beginning a new poem. the verse was okay on its own but for me it felt out of place. jmo

thanks for the read.

[addy]

I've very little issue with what you have here right now... I love this poem, and you have some really gorgeous lines. Your examples of beauty were delicately chosen and excellently phrased... to the point that even images I'd never think to associate with beauty won me over. I really like the conflation of beauty and deep feeling within a person's mind, it rings very true.

beauty is whatever you think beauty is

a woman's breasts
a man's torso
flowers wedged in gray fences
the sun above a lonely bench
a sandwich laced with bacon grease

the love of a friend
the corpse of a whore
children playing in dark caves
a wine decanter almost full
the moon the wind the sodden earth Love this so far

there are perhaps "perhaps" muddles it up for me and don't think you need it, just imo more perceptions
of what beauty is
than there are things
to be considered beautiful

reality doesn't exist after all
as the TV shrinks are fond
of reminding their patients I think this closing sounded rushed, a little out of left field. Maybe because it ends with a line that sounds oddly objective and removed... the POV is phrased in a way that implies it has little to do with either patients or doctors, so it seems an odd thing to bring up and brings no closure to the perspective

[heslopian]

Thank you for your kind words and feedback Bilbo and Addy I think I'll remove the last verse as everyone seems to agree that it jarrs.