Fire
#1
V. 2
changes: stanza 4, changed "claimed"

Fire

I saw him walk
with his ring of keys
into the kitchen,
closing the oven door
behind him.

Later, he smoked in the neighbor's garden,
coughing until midnight
as a ring of children watched.

It is getting to be a problem.

In December, a woman dialed 911
after she felt his breath on her arm
while backing out of the driveway.

Now, signs with his picture
hang on telephone poles
in black and white,
rewards attached like feathers
to a bird,

and he has disappeared.
Some put chicken on the stove and hope
he crawls through the window;
others cut power lines, leaving
candles by the door;

one man even started smoking
to have a chance
to shake his hand.

Yet, after all this,
his footsteps creak
in basements
when everyone is upstairs,

the chicken turns all shades of brown
and fills the house.

Still, no one is seen,
invisible as the water for my tea
that, somehow, turns into air.


-------------------------
Original

Fire

I saw him walk
with his ring of keys
into the kitchen,
closing the oven door
behind him.

Later, he smoked in the neighbor's garden,
coughing until midnight
as a ring of children watched.

It is getting to be a problem.

In December, a woman claimed
to feel his breath on her arm
as she backed out of the driveway.

Now, signs with his picture
hang on telephone poles
in black and white,
rewards attached like feathers
to a bird,

and he has disappeared.
Some put chicken on the stove and hope
he crawls through the window;
others cut power lines, leaving
candles by the door;

one man even started smoking
to have a chance
to shake his hand.

Yet, after all this,
his footsteps creak
in basements
when everyone is upstairs,

the chicken turns all shades of brown
and fills the house.

Still, no one is seen,
invisible as the water for my tea
that, somehow, turns into air.
Written only for you to consider.
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#2
I like everything about this. At first (because I have this stupid thing where I don't concentrate on the title of poems!) I kept reading it and thinking - what the heck is this all about.

This reminds me of the old Anglo-saxon riddle poems like -

The wave, over wave, a weird thing I saw
through-wrought, and wonderfully ornate;
a wonder on the wave - water became bone

(answer - Ice)

........I've read it over and over again, and each time I pick up more and more clues
Later, he smoked in the neighbor's garden,
coughing until midnight
as a ring of children watched.

......bonfire night?
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#3
I am still working my way through this but I thoroughly enjoyed it -- when I started reading, the first stanza made me think I was in for a Sylvia Plath-like episode, especially when I thought the second stanza could easily be speaking about a home cremation by kids with a Lord of the Flies hangover Smile Then the light tone change of "it is getting to be a problem", which is very dry.

I am -- perhaps disturbingly -- enamoured of your chicken imagery. And your closing stanza is so damn witty I wish I'd written it Smile

I can't be much more help at this point, I just wanted to let you know I'd read it and wasn't ignoring you...
It could be worse
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#4
the is verse has a freddy kruger feel hehe.

while it's cryptic, it nicely cryptic, i know what's in there i just have to take away the ashes to see it. the ring and chicken being duplicated worked well. ifeel like an arch enemy of jack frost. confusing for me in a couple of places but it'll just make me keep coming back Smile

i'm trying to work out the telephone pole concept and failing miserably hehe.

thanks for a great work out. one may ask, "how can you enjoy something you don't understand, and i point to the heavens and ask; Do you enjoy it"
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#5
I love this. It had an interesting beginning, which opened up and revealed itself to be something spectacularly clever. I love all the scenarios you put forward, and it seemed like each stanza i read was more charming than the last. I have very little to suggest. How about, "I once saw him walk" as the first line, to add a dash more interest? Also, I think "Yet" in stanza 8 makes "Still" in stanza 10 redundant, or am I reading it incorrectly? Either way, I enjoyed the read very much Smile
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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#6
hello all! thanks for the comments. specifically

-granny j: I didn't intend it to be too much of a burden of a riddle, though I realize the title is key. you've given me a new topic to explore in riddle poems!

-leanne: appreciated the comments on the chicken...and everything else for that matter! letting me know about the tone shifts was very helpful, can never take for granted others feel what you desire them to. certainly more than helpful!

billy- you drew my attention to the ring actually, hadn't noticed it, I guess because the images felt so separate for me. glad the duplicates don't detract. not sure about England, but a lot of times, people put "Lost" posters and the like on poles to find things/ spread news in neighborhoods. if it is not clear enough, am certainly open to adjusting

addy- thank you so much for everything said! initially, I thought you wanted me to add an actual dash to the first line, but i think I have a better understanding now. Certainly will also take a peek at those two stanzas in particular, scissors in hand if needed

Written only for you to consider.
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#7
we do the poster thing as well, in shop windows too.

it could be, probably is me, but i can't seem to grip those few lines.
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#8
Those are the lines that stick out for me also -- everything else seems so allegorical, and the signs are just that little bit more concrete, so I'm left wondering what I'm missing.
It could be worse
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#9
I haven't been around much lately and somehow I missed this one. I skipped the comments so I can really screw up my interpretation. D

I didn't really get it until the line about hoping he will sneak in through the window. Then I looked back at the title and felt stupid. I have a bad habit of forgetting what the title of a poem is by the time I'm half way through it. Back on the subject I really enjoyed reading this. I'm with Jill, it was kind of like a puzzle, but so enjoyable to solve. Smile
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#10
altering the the stanza with "December" to try and address that issue with the pole

and thanks mark! i'm always down for feedback like that! much appreciated
Written only for you to consider.
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